"Dear Scientology, from Science" (No. 13)

Number 13! Unlucky for some, if you believe in that sort of thing. Which I don't of course. And just to prove that I don't, I'm going to respond to some requests and dedicate this letter to a group which is more likely than most to track me down and hack my feet off in my sleep.

(If you're new here, welcome! The previous letters to the Media, Homeopathy, Astrology, Economics, Apple, Advertising, The Pope, Antivaxxers, Teaspoons, Alternative Medicine, Women and the BRAH are there for the perusing, if you have the inclination to view them)

"Dear Scientology

Hello.

You probably don't know me, but I'm the anthropomorphic personification of Science. Are you at least familiar with my work? I made aeroplanes and penicillin, and lasers, and stuff like that. Basically, if it doesn't occur naturally, I did it. And sometimes even if it does, but needs to be discovered and extracted. And even that definition will change, as soon as I can get enough approval for my GM crops. I don't understand why people are so opposed to it. Imagine, tomatoes the size of beach-balls, self peeling bananas, it would be great! Granted, can't rule out the possibility that they'll become self aware and turn against us (the 'Triffid' effect, think Skynet, but with pips).

Where was I again?

Oh yeah. Basically, I'm Science. And you're not. But you seem to be trading on my name. To be honest, I'd rather you didn't. I was told about you recently, and I really had to look you up. I can't say I'm pleased by what I found out.

Originally, going by what I was told, I assumed you were some sort of quazi-philosophical study of science, i.e. me. Any -ology, to me, is the study of something. That was quite an unnerving prospect. I have no objection to being studied (if I did it would be literally the biggest example of hypocrisy in recorded history), but I would worry that you've not told me your studying me. Prolonged study of someone without them knowing is more commonly regarded as 'stalking'. A crime in most places, and I'm not popular or sexy enough to make it OK.

(Admittedly, a lot of anthropologists would probably take issue with this argument. I would clarify my position, but seeing as my first assumption as to what you were about was utterly wrong, it seems meaningless)

Someone then told me that you were actually a Religion. Not a cult, apparently, you hate being described as a cult. I can't really see the issue there, it's like insisting you're a chiropractor, NOT an osteopath; either way, you're just being extremely pedantic about what sort of idiot you are.

But a religion with a name like yours led me to believe that you'd be a religion dedicated to science, which (as previously stated) is me. Although I would be flattered by the attention, I would have to thoroughly advise against such a thing, as it would be missing the point entirely. A religion about science? That's like trying to analyse the soul by dissecting the Pope, and that could never happen (the cardinals threw my anatomists out of the state chamber before they could get through his diaphragm).

But after some thorough research, I have discovered that you aren't a religion dedicated to me at all. You are in fact, founded on the writings of a sub-standard novelist who wrote rather crap science-fiction. I can tell it's crap because, unlike with the good stuff, I wasn't consulted on any of it. I usually get to at least proof-read it if the author has any credibility (Philip K Dick used to send me his manuscripts, but after reading his stuff I used to get a terrible migraine and have to lie down in a dark room, so I just let him get on with it in the end. And Dan Brown is actually a spambot that just got wildly out of hand).

What do you understand by the words 'science' and 'fiction'? From what I can tell, you've named yourself after the former but dedicated yourself to the latter. Why not go with 'Fictology'? Why drag me into it, against my will and with no justification for doing so? I've heard you get a lot of your teachings from 'Battlefield Earth'? I hope this isn't true, as that book is utter crap. About 2000 pages filled with poorly written childish bilge. It's ridiculous, basing an entire religion on a long winded, wildly unrealistic book written by someone who's been dead for some time. Like that sort of thing will ever work!

Honestly, for something with a name so similar to mine, you appear to have an alarming absence of awareness of what I'm about. Psychiatry is 'evil', but 'Auditing' is good for you? Making someone tell you their most painful secrets doesn't necessarily make them feel better about them. If anything, you've caused them to relive the painful memory, making it worse, and this is compounded by the fact that an insane cultist knows about it too. (Yes, I said cult this time, be grateful that I was willing to concede that much, it's perilously close to a very similar sounding term that I feel is more appropriate). And if you do think running a current through someone in order to make them feel better is a valid approach, you might want to up the voltage.

I also notice that your stronghold is in Hollywood, the mecca of brainlessness, fiction and the easily deluded. Makes sense I suppose. Have you thought about suing the antivaxxers? They stole your idea of using unhinged celebrities as chief spokespeople. You really should press charges, it'll be very useful to me to have you two fight to the death (and probably quite hilarious). You shouldn't worry about losing, your grip on reality is even more tenuous than theirs, and even if the worst happens your 'thetan' will endure (or soul, or whatever you call it, a unicorn by any other name still wouldn't exist).

I also looked up 'Dianetics'. Seems like a re-hash of some of Freud's ideas. If you are going to appropriate the ideas of some of my more infamous people, you don't have to go with the coke-addled loony with the self-confessed 'issues' regarding his mother. Why not try Galileo, or Kepler? They were more reasonable people, and studied space and stuff. You like that, don't you? You think you're space aliens? You might as well, makes as much sense as anything else.

So to summarize, you're a wannabe religion that's obsessed with money, power and control, that specialises in brainwashing people to conform to your ideals and is based on the ravings of some lunatic who wrote a giant book?

You want to watch yourself mate, you'll be given a most thorough ass-kicking imaginable. And that's not a threat, it's a warning. Nothing to do with me, but Catholicism is a jealous bugger, and he'll take you to the cleaners if you get too cocky.

Either way, cut your nonsense! You've combined the worst aspects of cults, religions, alternative medicine and celebrities, and that can't be good thing. If you had physical form, it would look like a huge Frankenstein's monster put together from bits of serial killers and televangelists that goes around mugging the villagers.

But what do I know, right? I'm just the personification of all human knowledge.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

P.S. I do have many, many more things I can complain about regarding what you do and believe, but I'd be here forever if I tried to write them all down. I'd have to put them together in some massive and pointless book, and knowing you you'd only go an found a religion on it. Psycho."

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy