"Dear Alternative Medicine, from Science" (No. 10)

This is recycled from an old blog, but seems more pertinent now so I've adapted it into a letter. Sort of a conciliatory gesture for the insanity involving spoons. I shouldn't adopt the persona of science post-wine, is what we learn from that.

Also, all contributions to the list welcome (read letter, then you'll understand). It won't stop the Alternative medicine brigade, but it might help pre-empt them somewhat.

"Dear Alternative Medicine

Hello, it's me, Science. Remember me? You should do, you've sued me often enough. Just further proof that Law is a whore (hey, that rhymes!). Just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know I'm thinking about you.

I plan to write to each individual aspect of you eventually. I would do it face-to-face, but that's not an option as you've banned me from all your meetings and gatherings. Also, us abstract concepts don't have faces per se, but I can't be certain you believe otherwise. It's not the stupidest thing you've put faith in thus far, admittedly.

As previously mentioned, your main response to me when I cast doubt on your wild, unverified claims is to sue. Seems easier than providing evidence, but then it doesn't really disprove my point. I've learned that your most devout adherents would scream in the face of reason until foaming at the mouth rather than doubt your claims, so I tend not to talk to them.

But don't think I don't learn from our interactions. That's pretty much exactly what my purpose is. Your purpose seems to be to come up with some vaguely plausible sounding theories, claim to able to use them to manipulate health by some bizarre mechanism, then charge obscene amounts for your special 'skills'. Often, you'll add a few big words so you'll sound like me and exploit my credibility. I haven't sued yet, but don't rule it out.

So, in order to limit any further spread of your influence, here are several alternative therapies that I've 'discovered'. If I catch any of your lot using them at any point, then I will sue you into oblivion. That'll make a nice change, won't it.

Organ-Shui

It's well established that the arrangement of your surroundings can make you feel good, and imbue a sense of wellness. Well, imagine how much better you would feel if your internal environment was correctly arranged? Modern life and the intrusions of modern medicine have enforced a disharmonious arrangement on our internal organs, but a brand new therapy now allows you to place your vital organs into a healthy, harmonious configuration. Think how much better does it feel when you re-arrange your external organs manually.

Sadly, the genitals are the only external organs available for manipulation to the untrained, but a number of techniques are available, all administered by a certified Nonsensica (tm) organ manipulator for a variety of bargain prices, all guaranteed to make you feel at least 67% more well and harmonious once the immediate pain and soreness that results from forced organ adjustment has worn off. These include

Kidney Synchronosis - £25

Liver Morphotosis - £45

Spinal Space contrarotation - £60

Brain-Skull repositioning - £100

Heart cavity Resetting - £150

Colonoscopic refinement - £3000

And many others. Book now to ensure you exist in a well balanced environment, inside and out.

NeoHomeopathy

It is well established that water retains a memory for all the active components that have been dissolved in it. But the water on this planet has been around for millions of years, so who could possibly know what has been in it at any point? Homeopathy can only go so far, but brand new techniques, pioneered by Nonsensica (tm), actually break down the structure of water itself through advanced 'electrolysis'. Water is reset to its original, primordial state.

All ill health in modern society can be traced to the consumption of contaminated water, so by purchasing your water from Nonsensica (tm) you can be among the healthiest people on Earth, providing you avoid all contact with non-reset water. From just £49.99 litre, re-set water prevents ill health, cures illness, and the special electrolysed reset water (£79.99 a litre) even contains residual electricity, giving you a spring in your step and more energised blood to aide respiration.

NutriVulcanism

Everyone knows that food grown in volcanic soil is better than standard food. And people who live on or around volcanoes live longer lives (barring eruptions). Clearly, the energies of mother Earth itself are infused into their diet, and now they can be for yours too. At just £9.99 a sachet, you can now add the minerals and nutrients of materials that are 100% guaranteed to have been part of a high energy natural process to your food and drink (but not soft drinks, the poisonous caustic properties of these tend to denature the active elements).

Simply purchase your £9.99 sachets from Nonsensica (tm), or £18.99 for the extra dense materials which provide even more energy and goodness to your system, and add them to your meals. Obviously, the raw energies of the Earth are too much for some people, so you may not feel benefits straight away, but any ill effects are purely due to your body adapting to the new powers it is being exposed to. Embrace the Earth, it's the best idea you'll ever have!

Autoelevatory therapy

"On top of the World". "As high as a kite". "Up, up and away". All positive sayings. And have you ever noticed the top athletes train at high altitudes in order to achieve the best performance? What do all these things have in common? That's right, Height!

Humans evolved from tree dwelling creatures and mountain dwelling life forms. Since we crawled out of the primordial seas, we've always aspired to get higher and higher. Clearly, our bodies crave to be higher than all others. This is why tall people are so much happier than short ones and midgets.

Our social and physical ills can be traced to a lack of height in our daily lives, but help is now available. Nonsensica (tm) now offer specially designed autoelevator slip-ins for your shoes. These painstakingly designed elevators (£59.99 each) fit snugly into your everyday shoes and mould to the natural shape of your feet, but raise your average height by crucial inches in a manner utterly dissimilar to that of high-heels or platform shoes. Unless your ideal body height is greater than that provided by the autoelevators, you will feel a noticeable sense of well being and health that can only come from being 'high'.

So yeah. Those are mine now. You can't have them.

You're cynically

Science (BA hons)

(Also, for the rational people, here's what you get for the money.

Organ-Shui = A rather aggressive, inexpert massage.

Neo-Homeopathy = Distilled water, with a dash of lemon juice. 2 dashes for the electrolysed type.

Nutrivulcanism = Wood ash, with added grit for the denser sachets.

Autoelevatory therapy. = Two large lumps of wax, the kind they use for ear plugs).

Please add more if you can think of them.

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy