Horoscopes!

A lot of people believe in horoscopes. They shouldn't, but they do. As has been demosntrated several times in the past, Horoscopes are just a lot of vague generalisations that, by sheer law of averages, will prove accurate for some people. But there you go, they're generally harmless enough, I don't agree with astologers raking in money from gullible people, but then they don't offer to cure illnesses like so many other charlatans, so leave them be.

But a lot of cynical people do rant about how stupid they are. But would you want some complete stranger knowing the details of your life? Would you be happy, knowing that via some paranormal system your entire existence is one long 'Big Brother' series? Imagine if horoscopes were real, wouldn't that be worse.

As part of a potential spoof newsletter a friend of mine is putting together, I wrote my own horoscope, without the generalisation. Statistically, it'll still apply to some people.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Worryingly Precise” (South Wales Gazette)

• ARIES: When you go to Tescos on Tuesday for a few essential groceries, they will cost £12.46. But after you leave you will remember that you didn’t buy milk, and will have to decide whether to catch the next bus or go back for it. Go get it. Black coffee isn’t so bad, but dry porridge is just oats, and you are not a horse.

• TAURUS: Friday is your mother’s birthday, but you will still forget even though I’ve just reminded you. Take her a bigger than usual bouquet of flowers for your usual Sunday visit. Say you didn’t want to risk them getting damaged by delivery. She’ll still be a bit suspicious, so buy her a bottle of her favourite Brandy as well. It’s the one with the green label in the fat round bottle and smells of lighter fluid. Don’t bother with the expensive stuff, she’ll just knock it back after you leave either way.

• GEMINI: On Saturday, you will go to a pub quiz. The answers you won’t know are as follows. 3 - Al Pacino in Scarface. 8 - The Warsaw Pact. 17 - Buzz Aldrin. 22 – Streets of Philadelphia (not just Philadelphia, Streets of Philadelphia, people always forget that). 30 – Paul Ince. 39 – Monte Video. You’ll come second, beaten by that team of teenage kids, all of whom are friends of that one who looks a lot like the landlord.

• CANCER: That phone number you were looking for, for the guy who said he could fix your shower for cheap? It’s in the inside pocket of your suit jacket. You hung it up in the spare room cupboard.

• LEO: That itch you keep getting? It is what you think it is, go get yourself checked. And if you stopped picking up women in that pit of a club at 3am this wouldn’t happen, would it!

• VIRGO: LOOK OUT! Gah! Why don’t you listen? Take more care when you’re out and about. What idiot adjusts their iPod settings when taking a short cut through a building site?

• LIBRA: That promotion you’re hoping for will go to Brian, the suck up. But don’t worry, in 3 months they’ll find ‘dodgy’ files on his office PC and sack him, and you’ll take over. Don’t get smug though, it’s a hard job and don’t forget you’re a lazy git.

• SCORPIO: When choosing your holiday on Thursday, avoid the Dominican Republic. It’s a nice place, but the hotel you’ll end up in has been lying about its hygiene certificates, and you’ll get food poisoning. £600 to spend 5 days on the bog? No thanks.

• SAGGITARIUS: When driving to work tomorrow, let that guy in the black Mercedes pull out. I know he seems like a smug yuppy who’s had enough good luck in life already, but he works at the bank you’ll be trying to get a loan from later in the day, and he’ll recognise you and help you get approved. You’ll still blow it all on that business venture though; nobody wants ‘Police Academy’ memorabilia.

• CAPRICORN: In the pub on Friday, don’t eat any of the peanuts or you’ll die. Yes, you are allergic. No, I know you haven’t been before, but sometimes it develops later in life. No, I don’t know why, I’m not a doctor. Fine, don’t believe me, eat some and find out for yourself. Hah! Don’t want to risk it? Thought not.

• AQUARIES: Despite all your efforts, everyone knows that you’ve been secretly sleeping with the woman who works in the café across the road. Although everyone, including myself, would like to know why. She must be 20 years older than you. Is that what you’re into?

• PISCES: Your husband is cheating on you with his boss’ secretary. Because you haven’t slept together in 4 years, and all you do is moan about housework and people you don’t like. Just cut the whingeing, show him some affection and it’ll be fine. Yes, my wife is a Pisces, what are you implying? How can you say I look guilty? You can’t even see me. Can you?...

Please let me know if these come true for any of you.