Dean's Problem Page

As I discussed with Horoscopes, Agony Aunts and Problem Pages are another subcategory of modern media where people solicit and accept advice from individuals who don't seem logically qualified to do so. Most agony aunts use life experience as their credentials for what they do. But I'm actually in favour of this, because, with the obvious exception of psychiatrists and their colleagues, most scientists aren't really the sort of people you'd want to go to with personal problems. Agony aunts, by and large, tell people what they feel they want or need to hear, scientists deal with hard data and facts. People with personal problems generally don't like facts, they want empathy. Science doesn't really do empathy, unless it needs to be accounted for as a control variable or something along those lines.
Scientists would make awful agony aunts, as they'd base their advice on the information provided, rather than make intuitive leaps or guesses. I'm a scientist specialising in neuroscience, so I've decided to write a horrible advice column. Please feel free to send me problems or issues to 'solve' (fictional if possible, I don't want to indirectly hurt anyone) and I'll post an answer in later blogs. This might even be published too.

Dr Dean’s Problem Page

100% Honesty, Because He Couldn't Care Less

(All questions shamelessly stolen from http://www.tiscali.co.uk/lifestyle/agonyaunt)

Dear Dean

This is really embarrassing but when I'm around strangers or boys I get shaky hands. I've recently moved and need to find a job but I'm scared to in case I get shaky. I also haven't made any friends because of it! Is there anything you can suggest? I hate it! I've lost all my confidence. Please help? E

Dean says

Sounds like early onset Parkinson’s disease. At least I assume its early onset, you haven’t said how old you are, so I assume you’re under 60. You might need to see a doctor straight away and the get relevant medication. But even if it is just nerves, maybe you should say its Parkinson’s anyway? People will feel guilty about not talking to you then, so you’ll have plenty of friends. It did wonders for Michael J. Fox’s career.

Dear Dean

I was bullied out of my post that I really loved and put on the redeployment list. But at the moment I'm working in a job that I hate. My wages have dropped and I have to pay out money to travel 30 miles a day. Please help me. It's really depressing me as I have no help ... F

Dean says

I’d really need to hear both sides of the story before making judgments. Maybe you’re one of those office suck-ups who complain about everything but don’t do any work? If so, you probably had it coming. You’re clearly a whiner, just by the fact that you’ve written to me. 30 miles a day? Bless! My wife has to travel nearly 100 miles and she just gets on with it. But if you really must do something about it, try cocaine. All the high-flying business men do it (hence the name high-flying, I think), and it’ll give you the aggression and false confidence to overcome bullying. I know it’s illegal and immoral and can ruin your life, but your life’s clearly not going that well as it is.

Dear Dean

I have liked this boy for a long time. And last week my best friend went on a school holiday with him. Now they are back. She told me she fancies him and they've become boyfriend and girlfriend. She did ask me if I was all right about them going out. I said, "Yes, I'm fine" - but I'm not. I'm really upset because she knows how much I fancy him, I have to pretend I'm fine but inside it's really killing me seeing them hold hands and hug. I don't know whether to tell her the truth, but I'm scared of upsetting her and her dumping him because of me. Please advise on what to do? Thank you. M

Dean says

Who is this guy? Why does he have women falling about to get with him? You’re in school, so I assume it’s for some incredibly superfluous reason. Is he on the football team, or has he got a car or something? Either way, he is most likely a complete tool and not worthy of your time. You’re too young to appreciate what makes a real man, which is mainly intelligence, wit and a receding hairline (a sign of great virility). Glasses help too, only the coolest guys can get away with them. But if you must tell your friend how you feel, have a sleepover then settle it with a pillow fight, preferably while wearing skimpy pyjamas. Invite the guy and let him watch and he’ll probably end up preferring you as well. Just don’t ask why.

Dear Dean

I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend told me I try too hard. Is he going to finish with me? K

Dean says

Seriously, what am I meant to do with this? You’re clearly not trying too hard with this letter, are you! In what context did he tell you this? Were you trying to open a jar of pickles? Or were you engaged in physical activities, in which case trying hard is usually a good thing. Maybe he was teaching you to play Mario Kart and you were having difficulty in mastering the corners using the break and accelerate trick. I have no way of knowing, so any advice I give will be completely random. So, is he going to finish with you? Yes, because you’re an idiot.