Friday, 22 January 2010

"Dear Homeopathy, from Science" (No. 2)

(The last one suddenly got very popular, so here's another. Number 2 of several, the latest are here)

Dear Homeopathy

Hello. Science here. Thought I'd better introduce myself, seeing as how we've never met. I know you like to give people the impression that you work closely with me, and that I'm somewhat envious of you so try to suppress you, but seeing as we both know the truth, I have to ask; Who are you and what do you want?
Surely we can be adult about this? I know we have our differences. I'm the anthropomorphic representation of the concept of science, a millennia-old field of study and learning based on the establishing of evidence and rational theories, vital to the functioning and progression of society, and you're... you. What are you exactly? I ask because I'm genuinely confused. You seem to want people to think you're a valid aspect of what I do, while simultaneously telling people what I do is wrong? Seems contradictory, is all.
Did you ever meet that guy who was a professional skydiver even though he didn't believe in gravity? No, of course you didn't, that never happened because it would be ridiculous. Am I being too subtle here? Don't overlook the fact that the guy in the comparison I just made up would no doubt have ended up having to be buried in a bucket, that's something you might want to be careful of if you carry on like you're doing.
I've noticed you do tend to talk and act like on of my team. Interesting, especially when you consider that the actual things you say are utterly bonkers. You've done no actual science of your own, so where do you get all your big words from? On an unrelated note, I noticed that someone had been going through my rubbish the other day. Nothing missing, just a few old papers. I'm not saying you took them, I don't think that. I don't think you can even read, truth be told.
Lets talk about water? The stuff you claim to understand better than most (ALL!) of my people. You know, that stuff that covers 2/3rds of the planet? The same stuff that exists in more different states than you can imagine (depending on the surrounding conditions, look it up)? The stuff on which all life depends? The stuff which is actually lighter when solid than when in a liquid state thus allowing Earth's Biosphere to exist? That stuff that should have a much lower boiling point than it actually does, chemically speaking? You're right, it isn't interesting enough.
So water has a memory. Do you know how long the water on this planet has been around? I'll tell you; 4 billion years at least. Possibly a lot longer if it formed in the dust cloud out of which the planets coalesced (if what I'm saying is too complex for you, I couldn't care less. Harsh I know, what sort of bastard deliberately bamboozles someone with big words and concepts they can't understand? Shocking behaviour, isn't it). Point is, 4 billion years is a long time, enough time to pass through hundreds of thousands of urinary tracts, from coelacanthes to dinosaurs to mammals to Jack Black. Why would water want to remember that!?! Blessed forgetfulness is its only hope, you cruel sods.
Just to point out, not everyone who disagrees with you is in league with 'Big Pharma'. I'll confess, the pharmaceutical companies aren't exactly my finest hour. But in my defence, it was Business' idea. I hung around with him for a while in the 80's, and you know what he was like back then. I was lucky to get out with my fillings in place. I admit, I still work with him for Big Pharma. I could sever all ties with them, but then they'd have no actual medicine, and people would die. Imagine that, a multi-billion pound company, selling sick people medicine that doesn't actually work! I could never live with myself. How much are your retailers worth, just out of interest?
I know this letter may seem overly confrontational and aggressive, but whenever one of my guys questions one of your guys, that's how you behave, so I assume it's some sort of cultural thing that I have to do to be polite? Like farting after a meal; just because it seems distasteful to me, doesn't mean other people don't appreciate it. I can respect that.
But please, make up your mind. Either you hate me, or you are a valid member of my group. Have you considered the possibility you have multiple personality disorder, or some sort of schizophrenia? If you do, I have some pills for that. Do you? If so you might want to take them. Although you may have been taking them for months for all the difference it would make.
Did you ever see that Eminem music video for his song 'Stan'? It's where a crazed fan become obsessed with him, and tries to emulate everything Eminem does, and copies his image, then goes insane when he can't be with him and doesn't get the acknowledgement he thinks he deserves for no rational reason, and ends up killing his girlfriend and unborn child. And himself.
That's you that is. It's an ideal comparison. I'm Eminem (very popular but not particularly liked or understood by anyone, and say quite harsh things a lot of the time). You want my respect and credibility for no real reason, and when you get things your own way people get hurt. Or killed. I won't say people definitely get killed because that's libelous, and you guys are very quick to sue. I can understand that, it's easier than proving your wild claims.
So, just to sum up. Stop your crap! You want to sell non-existent water-based cures to people who can't be bothered to think, be my guest. But keep claiming that I'm trying to suppress you, and I'll just have to take action. Specifically, I'll make people choose; they can either take treatments developed by you or me, but not both. Think you can endure the long haul? I'd give you six days, max.
Anyway, my mother (Philosophy) always taught me to end on a positive note, so I have o say I admire your consistency with your thinking. You argue that the more dilute a substance is, the more potent it is. When guys who work for me point out the overwhelming evidence against this belief, you always cite the instances where there was some vaguely ambiguous evidence to support you. That's not ignorance, that's consistence. Clearly, the more dilute the evidence the more potent it is. By your own logic, you definitely work, so well done there.

Love and Kisses

Science (BA hons)

Twitter: @garwboy

StumbleUpon.com

18 comments:

Milka said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Alena

http://smallpet.info

Dr. Nancy Malik said...

Real (Homeopathic) medicine cures even when Conventional Allopathic Medicine (CAM) fails

Dean Burnett, Neuroscientist said...

Homeopathy does cure where medicine fails, if the patient is suffering from the condition 'thirst'.

Severia said...

Nancy, That's funny, where I come from "CAM" stands for "Complementary and Alternative Medicine" and that heading includes homeopathy. So with the standard meaning for CAM used, you have just managed to contradict yourself wondefully.

Rene said...

Homeopathy works. If only you take the "medicine" until the symptoms disappear.

Zyaama said...

Great blog. I just read it for the first time, but I will surely be back.

Oh, regarding the "Nancy" spam bot: you will find the same message on every homeopathy blog. For some reason, her comments never get deleted, mine always are. I feel slightly injured. Anyway, I tend to include "Supplements" in the "Complementary and Alternative Medicine". Makes for a much better acronym.

Sam O'Stig said...

Witty dissection Mr Science.... I just spent a day arguing with a bunch of idiots who thought Homeopathy would work as an alternative to 'flu' vaccine, difficult to retain a sense of humour in the face of all the vitriol and unreason...
you've probably seen this but for anyone who hasn't...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0

Anonymous said...

Typo, you want "like one of my team" not "like on of my team"

Michael Day said...

Hi, me homeopathy, you hert homeopathy's feelins. Homeopathy sad now.

Derek said...

Great concept, not so great execution. You need to proof-read this and fix the typos and such.

Dean Burnett, Neuroscientist said...

I'll start proof reading when this blog becomes a profitable use of my time. Until then, as long as it's readable, I'll just churn it out as and when I can.

eric said...

Great blog, very funny. As a scientist from the states, I must say it is quite an awesome concept, and entertaining read.

Anonymous said...

im sure ur one of those frustrated doctors who r envious of homoeopathy and its miraculous cure...

Dean Burnett, Neuroscientist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dean Burnett, Neuroscientist said...

R.e. Anonymous

Never before has an attempt to defend something so spectacularly achieved the exact opposite

Sam O'Stig said...

I don't think reason works with followers of the Homeopathic faith, Dean, but the purists will die out soon enough, and that may persuade the waverers to try penicillin....

Stephen said...

So how does science explain the placebo effect?

Sam O'Stig said...

Stephen...there's all sorts of interesting stuff, theories, ideas, even experiments about the placebo effect, have a google, see where it gets you...

generic viagra....point is, there is absolutely no active ingredient whatever in high dilution homeopathic remedy..zip, nada, zilch>>> AND it has never been shown to work...ever, not even once...medicinal fail..

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