Sunday, 17 January 2010

The world's most powerful sex toy

My wife and I went to Asda earlier to purchase a DVD player. We did this, then we came home. As I drove into the car park, I couldn't help but notice that one of the cars by the main entrance had a very disturbing hood ornament.
We parked, got out, and went to double-check what I'd believed I'd seen. Yup. Stuck to the bonnet of this flashy silver car was (is) a large bright-red dildo. I say large, I'd have said it was small, but according to the law of averages, it's actually large.
I have seen marital aides before. I have seen cars before. Never have I seen the two be merged in this fashion. For what purpose has this surreal union taken place? Being a scientist, I feel compelled to concoct some theories.

The car itself is Silver, like a surprising number of cars in the car park. Did it persistently reflect sunlight into the window of someone's flat, disrupting their sleep? Sleep deprivation has been known to have a wide range of side effects, depending on the individual. People become more irritable and less focused, and can even show signs of delirium and madness. Did one resident of my building suffer this process, to the point where their sleep pattern was completely disrupted and they started having hallucinations, to the point where some illogical train of thought led them to think that fixing a large phallus to the bonnet would solve their problem?
Given the facts of our recent weather, the limited focusing properties of silver car bodywork and the fact that people don;t normally sleep during day when the sun is out (unless they're working nights, which is possible, but this would still require the sun to remain stationary for an extended periods, which it doesn't, or to put it more accurately, it does but we Earth doesn't, and if you think this is unnecessary pedantry just appreciate the fact that I haven't thought to bring up galactic rotation and Universal expansion apart from to stipulating that I won't be discussing them)

Is it a gesture of revenge from a spurned lover? Or perhaps an attempt at wooing from a hopeful but deranged wannabe lover? I can't really see any logic behind gluing a false penis on the car, it's slightly embarrassing but too weird for an act of revenge, and definitely memorable but hardly complimentary enough for an attempt at wooing. But then logic doesn't really apply when someone has been spurned or is in the throes of lust. Poetic, but strange.

Perhaps it's an attempt by the owner of the car (who I assume is male, it looks like a man's sort of car, and I have nothing else to go on) to improve his image in some way, however wrongly. A big flashy car is often regarded as a compensation for not having a particularly large penis. Perhaps this person wants a car that compensates for small manhood, but can't really afford one that sufficiently says that, so he's decided to enhance its phallic properties in an even less subtle manner. The colour combination is jarring, but if he's colour blind (an affliction that effects mostly men by a massive margin, what with it being caused by a Y chromosome gene, further supporting my gender assumption), then silver grey and shiny red could look quite similar.
Or maybe it's a physical thing. Perhaps it's meant to be some attempt at creating an aerofoil or pick up radio signals better? Don't see why it would, but people will believe anything if you tell them using big enough words.

I've seen some cars with Large Poppies or red noses on them, to support a particular group of people or charity. Is this a similar tribute to a charity I haven't heard of yet? To fallen porn stars or something? Or have the organisers of Comic Relief day just gone waaaaay too far with the design of the new symbol?

I'm only assuming this new attachment isn't being used for what it's designed for. What if I'm wrong? What if it's there deliberately? For some people, the stimulation provided by a few AA batteries may not be enough. A sex toy which gives a whole new meaning to 'Horse Power'. I imagine the vibrations caused by the engine of a running car, coupled with the danger of riding the bonnet of a moving vehicle and the thrill of doing this in public on some Catherine-the-Great-esque device would provide an intense experience for the adventurous lady, or even more adventurous man.

I genuinely don't know, but it's been bugging me all day as you can probably guess. It's far too embarrassing to ask the cars owner, but at least if it's still there tomorrow I can confirm that it's a deliberate modification to the car. Or that it's been maliciously welded on, but seeing as it's very anatomically correct that image just brings tears to the eyes.

Is it an attempt by an enraged former lover to

Twitter: @garwboy


Manic Expressive said...

I can't say I've ever seen an adult toy used in this fashion. Maybe it's a new trend? Should I be adorning our vehicle with some kind of fake sexual organ? What colour? What size? I want to be cool, after all. I want to fit in. I don't want people going around saying, "That guy is so square. He doesn't have a dildo on his car."

CCW said...

You should read The Atrocity Exhibition and Crash by JG Ballard to understand this.

You should probably read everything else he wrote to understand most everything else I guess.

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