"Dear Economics, from Science" (No. 4)

Wrote this when ill, so if it shows a marked drop in quality, that might be why. Or I'm just crap, can't completely rule that out.

"Dear Economics

Hope this letter finds you well, but I'd settle for conscious. It's me, the anthropomorphic personification of Science. I'm writing to you because all the intangible concepts that form elements of society told me to. Apparently, when it comes to revealing things that people don't want to hear that are nevertheless true, I'm the expert. I can't argue that, your friend Politics usually does the opposite, and Religion hasn't spoken to me cordially since the whole Darwin thing. To be honest, unless you count the occasional screaming fit and frequent burning bags of 'organic waste' lobbed at me, Religion doesn't speak to me at all any more.

To be honest, everyone thinks I'm a bit autistic. I couldn't care less either way, but that supports their argument when you think about it.

But I digress, so I'll just get to the point.

WHERE THE HELL IS ALL OUR STUFF!?!?!?

Seriously, where in Newton's name has it all gone? I've heard about these people who selflessly allow friends/relatives with drug problems to stay with them, then end up with all their possessions sold for smack and their trusted friend/relative slumped in the corner of the now-empty front room, dribbling and giggling. That's exactly what you've done. And no, the giggling is not endearing. And that 'whoops! Clumsy me!' expression is far from amusing.

Thing is, you haven't emptied someone's home, you've flogged the house several times over! We all put you in charge of all the money because you assured us you knew what you were doing. This is something myself and Mathematics were dubious of from the start, but no-one listens to use because we're boring, apparently. And I admit it was sort of a relief, nobody would object if someone offered too do their accounts, at least not until the point where they find themselves eating out of bins.

Help me understand here. A lot of the things you do to 'regulate' and 'control' the flow of commerce are really confusing. And that's ME saying that. Science! I understand quantum wave functions. I pretty much invented complexity. A lot of the time, your behaviour made it look like you were making it up as you went along. Turns out, you were making it up as you went along.

What are you, a chiropractor? What sort of idiot bases a system INTEGRAL TO SOCIETY on the ridiculously fragile grounding of people's temporary optimism? As far as I can tell, the strength of the stock market depends largely on how much money people expect to get from certain actions. If we'd known that was what you were doing we might as well have put Astrology in charge. At least he'd make predictions based on celestial configurations, something he can't control. You make predictions based on how much money you think you'll make, and the amount of money you make is determined by the predictions of how much money you'll make? And you don't see anything wrong with this? It's self-referential! It's a closed system! And haven't you heard of the the second law of thermodynamics? No, you probably haven't. To be honest, I'm not sure to what extent physical laws apply to entirely made-up systems. I'll leave that one to Philosophy.

(That reminds me, I haven't visited her in a while, I really should, but then she does tend to babble on about stuff I don't really have any interest in, but then that's the same with most elderly parents I hear. Sorry, where was I?...)

Maybe I've got this completely wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, I've got a bit of a blind spot when it comes to people's behaviour. Maybe you operate according to something else entirely. Please, enlighten me if so. I prefer to study complex systems and try and figure them out so they become understandable; you seem to have done the reverse. It's impressive in a way, but also makes it quite easy to work things for your own benefit without people realising.

Not that I'm accusing you of anything underhanded of course (despite the megatons of evidence to support that claim). I know Law tends to weigh in on your behalf whenever anyone does. Utterly spineless sometimes, that guy. So much so that I'm reworking the biology classifications to put Lawyers and Jellyfish in the same genus. A bit harsh, admittedly; Jellyfish never sting people on purpose.

I suppose you are to be commended in some ways. I would have sworn it was impossible to violate the principle of conservation of mass, yet you've managed to make something like a trillion dollars just vanish! It's very impressive, it's as if Physics were to tell me he'd lost the moon. Seriously, where did it go? Have you checked down the back of the sofa? That's where my money sometimes ends up. Of course, that much loose change down the back of the couch means you'd end up sat somewhere in the ionosphere, but might be worth a look.

Seriously man, you have a problem. A junkie always hurts those around him. Look at Environment! Could you at least clean up your act long enough to stop repeatedly kicking her in the face? We need her a hell of a lot more than we need you. And don't think we don't know that Politics is enabling you, he's given you all our stuff so you can indulge your filthy habits. Meanwhile I've got particle physicists here who are having to do work with bloody abacuses! You could argue that what they do is 'non-essential'. And what you do is? Bovine faeces!

Anyway, the rest of the guys might be afraid of you, but I'm not. You want me and Technology to keep supplying you with things to sell to fund your habit? Not happening. Your guys make ten times as much as my guys on average, so don't play the bleeding heart angle with me. Most addicts go to rehab, they don't get given other peoples valuables just so they can keep getting high.

Sort it out, dickhead!

Yours increasingly angrily

Science (BA hons)

P.S. Have I introduced you to my friend Logic? You guys should meet, you clearly need him in your life.

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy