Primates on the loose! (Uncaged Monkeys: The 'truth')

What follows is essentially a paradoxical attempt at self-promotion via the technique of self depreciation. Feel free to read a few lines and then resume the search for horrific animal-based porn that brought you here by accident (this is, in fairness, how I get most of my blog hits). But anyway, here’s some news that I got quite a while ago now, but just haven’t had the time or inclination to report it properly here. But now I do. So I am. With me so far?

My limited, unexpected and already clearly over-stretched appeal seems to be based on two things. 1: People’s surprising tolerance for overly-descriptive and grammatically dubious long winded sentences, like this one. And 2: My efforts to combine Science and Comedy.

The second factor there is the important one. The first one can be resolved by just sticking to my twitter feed, where sentence length is physically limited, or maybe just reading half of every sentence I write here. I can’t imagine it makes any less sense overall, and it’s a trick I used when reading up on all the relevant journal articles for my PhD, which I still managed to get somehow.

But efforts to combine science and comedy are seemingly still rare in contemporary UK. The skeptic community seems to be still gathering in strength and popularity, the promotion of evidence based medicine and policies is getting more traction, and the comedy scene is bigger and more popular than it’s ever been (whether this last one is a good or a bad thing is, like all comedy, largely a subjective matter). Attempts to combine these things, though, remain relatively sparse. But it’s not unheard of. Far from it, in fact.

I think the reason I get as much publicity as I do is due to both my being based in Cardiff, which gives me serious ‘big fish in a small pond’ value when it comes to science-based comedy. It’s not that small a pond though, I’ve not really encountered any other fish in it yet. That and a flew surprisingly popular blogs are all that stands between my current profile and total obscurity. Comparatively, it’s like saying ‘almond white is all that stands between magnolia and vanilla white on the Dulux colour chart’

It should tell you everything you need to know about me, the fact that I actually looked that up. Also, that I giggled somewhat at the term ‘ready mixed creams’. No idea why, but there you go.

But now my reign of tyranny is coming to an end. The professionals are coming to town. The best science/comedy folk in the UK are coming to Cardiff, and once people see how it’s really done, my brief spell of attention will fade, and rightly so.

I speak, of course, of the Uncaged Monkey’s tour. Robin Ince’s mighty rationalist comedy machine is making its way to the Welsh capital in May. The powerhouses of the science/sceptical/comedy communities are joining forces and touring the country, and seeing as those involved probably have a combined IQ that hits 4 figures, they’re aware that the country includes Wales (seriously, it’s weird how many high-profile tours seem to overlook this fact).

As a combined generous act of inclusion/’look how bad it can get’ gesture, I’ve been asked to contribute to the event in Cardiff as a special guest. I’m pretty sure my set is being used to give the staff something to listen to as they hoover under the seats after everyone leaves, but I’ll take it.

However, given the nature of the skeptic/rationalist communities and those who object to it, I’m sure there will be accusations abound regarding this huge, high-profile tour promoting science and reason, about ulterior motives, elitism and conspiracy theories, usually concerning the suppression of the existence of unscientific theories, magic and illogical principles for the benefit of Big Pharma puppet-masters. So, to save time and effort, from someone who is ‘on the inside’ to a certain extent, here is the true nature and the ulterior motives of those involved in the Uncaged Monkey’s tour (Cardiff event).

ROBIN INCE

Officially: A talented and experienced comedian with an almost pathological need to obtain books and learn new things. As a result of getting his big-name friends and colleagues to help promote science and rationality in a comedic (or just plain interesting) fashion, science-comedy is currently fashionable. Specialises in angry, crazed rants and withering criticism or poorly written literature.

Unofficially: Robin Ince is actually the world’s most powerful homeopath, chiropractor, crystal healer, psychic, and fortune teller. He is also a devout Christian. His obsession with acquiring books and reading about new things eventually led him into the study and appreciation of all things ‘pseudoscience’, and his tenacious and meticulous nature meant he eventually mastered them all. This was in the late 1800’s, but he was able to work out the powerful cocktail of vitamins and raw foods necessary to halt the ageing process. He has since worked tirelessly to fight the rising tide of so-called rationalism occurring in the world today. His efforts are funded by all the profits generated by Ricky Gervais. Ince controls Gervais, and almost everyone else within his sphere of influence, in a manner not unlike the mice that control humanity in The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; manipulating them by letting them think they’re in charge. The purpose of all these exploits is to subtly build up to a sell-out science/rationalist event at a venue like a stadium, at the climax of which a powerful (but all natural) psychotropic gas will be released which will cause all speakers and attendees there to abandon their beliefs and embrace pseudoscience and the world of magic. Or it will kill them. Either way, every little helps.

SUMMARY: Despite initial impressions, Rob Ince is clearly some sort of powerful druid. Or possibly a Wizard.

BEN GOLDACRE

Officially: The UK’s go-to guy for all issues concerning the abuse or misuse of science in the mainstream media, marketing and beyond. His background in psychiatry, neuroscience and statistics gives him a powerful grasp and understanding and, perhaps most importantly, a willingness to use statistics and the related evidence when it comes to analysing and debunking claims of dubious scientific validity. He is a member of that elite group of skeptics and scientists, the ‘I’ve been unsuccessfully sued by powerful but dangerous quack(s) for speaking an obvious truth’ allegiance (rarely shortened to IBUSBPBDQFSAOTA, for obvious reasons). Specialises in talking about impressive science very rapidly, and being borderline assaulted by high-profile individuals who don’t like it when evidence contradicts their beliefs.

Unofficially: Even a stopped clock is right twice a day (or just once, if it’s a 24hr digital clock, assuming it’s not displaying some scrambled unrecognised time like34:65 or something), and for once the pseudoscientific conspiracy theorists are right; Ben Goldacre is a tool of the Pharmaceutical industry. Only they’re more right than they know. During his time as a cognitive Neuroscientist, Goldacre agreed to take part in a cutting-edge experiment in return for a ridiculous amount of cash. This experiment effectively turned him into the world’s first cyborg. He is programmed to destroy anyone attempting to exploit non-scientific (and non-pharmaceutical) theories for personal gain, using widely read articles and inhuman levels of data processing. The former is paid for and supported by Big Pharma profits obtained via auctioning off the seized properties and resources of innocent homeopaths and chiropractors Goldacre has destroyed. The latter is made possible by several hard disk-drives and processors implanted in his skull and wired directly into his brain (mostly into the temporal lobes, but also the corpus callosum to facilitate hemisphereical communication). He occasionally criticises the pharmaceutical industry in a classic case of misdirection. The cyborg enhancements are almost undetectable, but a glitch in the interface is what causes his rapid speech patterns, and his signature curly hair is maintained in order to hide the numerous USB sockets embedded into his scalp. The ultimate aim of Goldacre’s modifications is to make him the most trusted source of science information in the world, to the point where his opinion outranks the process of peer-review. Once this happens, he will suddenly start promoting ‘new’ types of antidepressants.

SUMMARY: Despite initial impressions, Ben Goldacre is a cyborg designed and maintained by Big Pharma. The vast wealth he receives for his efforts is spent on Christmas cake, which is what powers his cybernetic enhancements.

SIMON SINGH

Officially: A well-liked and widely respected award-winning author, presenter and scientific journalist/investigator. Simon Singh is known for his dedication and enthusiastic manner in making seemingly complex and difficult scientific concepts more easily understood and engaging. He is also a member of that elite group of skeptics and scientists, the ‘I’ve been unsuccessfully sued by powerful but dangerous quack(s) for speaking my mind’ allegiance (IBUSBPBDQFSAOTA).

Unofficially: Singh is actually well on the way to developing a powerful global religion in his name. He is known by many names to his followers, ‘The Guru’, ‘The Brahman of Bogus’, ‘The Codebreaker Christ’, ‘The treatment or trickster God’, ‘Singh of the Singularity’ and so on. Singh’s efforts to debunk alternative medicine, climate change denial and other pseudoscientific practices are tantamount to the Biblical incident where Jesus threw the money lenders out of the Church; he’s essentially clearing the decks before he becomes the all powerful religious icon he is believed to be. His books and articles, read together, actually form the basis of a new gospel (The Big Bang = Genesis, Trick or Treatment = Ernst’s Gospel etc.). He is already better than Jesus as, via the technique of serial reincarnating, he has died and risen again many times, not just the once. As such, the effects of Singhism have been subtly accumulating for many years. E.g. Simon Singh is the original Simon from the game ‘Simon Says’ (where children are taught that ‘Simon’ must be unquestioningly obeyed, and anything he does not say is false). The act of hymn singing is also actually a distortion of musically praising ‘Him; Singh’. His involvement in big touring events like Uncaged monkeys is a way to further spread his word to a wide audience. Once all other forms of false beliefs are discredited and abolished (Singh shall have no other idols, other than him), he will announce a dress code and introduce tithing.

SUMMARY: Despite first impressions, Simon Singh is a centuries-old religious icon, poised to overthrow all other major religions on Earth (except scientology, which amuses him greatly).

BRIAN COX

Officially: Possibly the most famous science presenter in the UK at present, Brian Cox is an accomplished professor of physics and works directly with the LHC and other high-energy facilities. He is perhaps best known for presenting popular programmes detailing the wondrous aspects of the solar system, the Universe and more (not sure what ‘more’ there is than the Universe, but you get the point). He is regularly involved in scientific discussions in the media, and has a bizarre background in Pop music as former keyboard player of 90’s pop group D:Ream.

Unofficially: Brian Cox, with his softly spoken demeanour, earnest enthusiasm and trendy appearance, is planning global annihilation. An extreme sociopath since a childhood trauma involving a Cornetto and a friends bicycle pump, every aspect of Cox’s life is dedicated to the eventual destruction of human kind, and the Earth itself if necessary. His dedication to high-energy physics is the result of his deep desire to develop a catastrophic doomsday device (the widely dismissed planet-swallowing black-hole generating capabilities of the Large Hadron Collider were the only reason he got involved with it in the first place). His ‘Wonders...’ programmes are actually his way of gleefully pointing out how pathetic and meaningless the human race is, and how the Universe won’t miss one pathetic planet, and also to emphasise to people how insignificant they are, in order to sap any desire they may have to fight against his world-ending schemes. Even the D:Ream song ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ bore the marks of Cox’s destructive hatred for mankind. The original lyrics went ‘Things can only get better... when you’re all dead’, but the studio intervened. Brian Cox enjoys doing high-profile speaking events as he gets to look directly into the eyes of the pointless beings whose demise he will shortly be bringing about.

SUMMARY: Despite first impressions, Brian Cox is an evil warlord wanting to bring about the apocalypse. Government funding cuts imposed by the coalition means MI5 may have to stop sending James Bond to thwart him so regularly, so he may soon succeed.

CHRIS ADDISON

Officially: A sharp and intelligent stand-up comedian, Addison is known for lecture-esque comedy shows in both live and radio formats, the majority of which focus on science or rationalism in some form. He is also regularly seen as an actor in the political TV satire ‘The Thick of It’, where he belligerently mocks an older man and is horrifically bollocked by another with disconcerting regularity. His manner of speaking makes you feel somehow less intelligent just by hearing it. In a more just world, Stephen Hawking’s voicebox would sound just like him.

Unofficially: At a very young age, Addison discovered the Fountain of Youth. Except it wasn’t a fountain, it as a pond near his house. This is why he still looks like he might get ID’d in pubs despite being nearly 4 decades old (chronologically). After discovering he had been granted eternal youth, Addison decided to dedicate much of his time promoting science, rationalism and reason, to the point where everyone rejects the notion of a ‘fountain of youth’ outright. Faced with the possibility of several lifetimes of accumulated interest, Addison has been quietly investing in and promoting left-wing media franchises, and secretly incorporating subliminal messages and commands into all of his live/broadcast output. These commands are essentially random and un-linked instructions, they’re basically the society-manipulating version of a “testing, testing. One two, one two”. He has discovered there are other high-profile comics that don’t age, and is using the scientific and sceptical communities to consolidate his position before making his move and engaging them in combat, to the death (by decapitation).

SUMMARY: Despite first impressions, Chris Addison is a society manipulating immortal, sort of like a stand-up comedy version of one of those guys from ‘Highlander’.

HELEN ARNEY

Officially: Helen Arney is a delightfully talented songstress, who combines her scientific background with quirky, whimsical music and stand-up. She is increasingly being seen at festivals and live events in front of large crowds, and can often be heard on Radio 4.

Unofficially: Helen Arney is actually a mythical creature. Part pixie, part elf, part siren, part succubus, part fairy (mythical creature biology doesn’t follow the same rules as ours does). She uses her siren song and musical abilities to confuse and cast a glamour over her audiences and listeners, which then makes those under the spell amenable to her will. By focussing on scientific and rational audiences, her power is increased tenfold, as converting followers with no other-worldly beliefs are considered to be far more valuable in the magical kingdom. As such she is on course to become queen of the fairies (and others), and by casting her musical spell over large audiences of scientifically minded thinkers she is coming ever closer to opening a portal to this world where the armies of elves riding centaurs and firing gremlins from bows made of unicorn gut, who will storm our Earthly realm, and steal all our milk. Why milk? I don’t know. They’re other worldly beings, logic is not required.

SUMMARY: Despite first impressions, Helen Arney is an otherworldly sprite who is working to unleash a force of magical beings on our universe. In a nice, quirky way though. So that’s fine.

MYSELF: I check the Dulux colour chart when making pointless long-winded comparisons. Enough said.

So yeah, that’s that. Uncaged Monkey’s, 9^th of May, St David’s Hall. Come along, it’ll be great. Mostly.

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

TAM London Blog: No. 8 - Kirby your activism

(2.30 pm, 16^th October, TAM venue, Edgeware Road, London )

Hello again. Another massive break between blog reports about TAM London speakers where there was no actual break between the talks themselves. I feel like I'm introducing an element of discontinuity where there was none. In a way, this makes me like a very very low-key Time Lord. Interestingly, I live within a few minutes walk of a number of Doctor Who locations, and the official Doctor Who exhibition is in the cinema/restaurant complex down the road. You should go there some time, it's actually much smaller than it looks from the outside. It's a bit like and anti-TARDIS, in a way.

Anyway, back to the talks.

We were first treated to a quick talk by Karen James, who told us all about the ongoing Beagle project. It's a very inspirational project, which you can read all about in the links I just put down. Basically, it's a project to rebuild the famous Beagle, the ship that carried Charles Darwin across the world, and re-make the original journey, during which he invented evolution. I've always loved the way that, before Darwin, the world was only 6000 years old and everything that existed had always been that way and dinosaur bones were put there as a joke by a deity who, despite having infinite knowledge, infinite space and infinite power with which to put these things to good use, clearly has a low boredom threshold so amuses himself by burying the remains of monsters for the sole purpose of confusing some of his more curious apes.

Flippancy aside, it's a wonderful project and quite inspiring when you think about it. There was talk about an incident where an astronaut on the International Space Station voluntarily got involved and ended up speaking to a group of Brazilian School children. That's either an incredible account of the inspirational actions that people do in order to promote and further the wonder of Science, or the absolute mother of all wrong numbers. Either way is cool for me.

It's a great scheme, and I do think it's worth the time and effort that's being put into it. Although Karen did say that they were needing a £100,000 donation to complete all their aims. I genuinely expected the hat to be passed around at this point. It's a ridiculous sum to ask people to cough up at a moments notice, but then I was persistently surprised by how many people were able/willing to put up the £200+ entry fee for the conference. It was amazing that so many people were at the meeting, to be honest. Maybe that's why it's called that?

(Just a note, I also tweeted during the talk that I was surprised that the Beagle was docking in Pembrokeshire, seeing as they don't have evolution there. This was of course a stupid joke, as we all know that Pembrokeshire has lots of evolution; the place is riddled with Neanderthals)

The next talk was by Paula Kirby. This was one of the best talks, as far as I'm concerned, because it was simultaneously baffling, amusing and terrifying. It was essentially a run-down of the actions, aims and views of the UK Christian Party. They are, in the loosest sense of the word, a political party that wants to, um, further the values of Christianity in UK society. I say 'um' because, as someone raised in a nominally Christian environment, I don't recognise any of them. They include:

- Opposition to all forms of equality apart from those that favour devout Christians, which sort of undermines the whole concept of 'equality' when you think about it.

- Abolition of CCTV cameras and other forms of social control measures, and replacing them with bands of roving street Pastors (an idea which I actually quite like, as I'd want to see what happens when they have to 'control' a clash of Cardiff and Millwall football fans. Do the spiritually enlightening qualities of the Bible prevent it from causing damage when forcefully inserted into various orifices?)

- A complete crack down on teachers in general as they are somehow linked to the sexual corruption of children.

- Free speech for Christians only. And only 'proper' ones. None of these liberal types, they may as well be sodomising minors while smearing chocolate Koran's over their oiled torsos as far as the Christian party are concerned.

- The promotion of Christian love and compassion via the use of oppression and death (e.g. they support the death penalty and nuclear weapons, which makes sense when you consider that without the death penalty Christianity wouldn't exist, and a mushroom cloud does look slightly like a cross).

I don't really recognise this aspect of Christianity. Presumably it's based on the gospel according to Saint Psychopath. it seems that the Christian party has no chance of being elected, but the fact that they exist at all and seem to be entitled to respect and consideration is still a worrying fact. There was also some discussion of why the majority of Christians don't oppose or resist these despotic bastards, and why Christianity gets an easier ride of it in UK society than other religions. It was very interesting and thought provoking, to the point where I don't want to sully it by making crap jokes about it. Kudos Kirby, an exemplary talk from an interesting person.

The final part of this section, before lunch, was the panel discussion. This was delivered by the holy trinity of the skeptical society (inappropriate religious overtones very much intended), Dr Evan Harris, David Allen Green (a.k.a. Jack of Kent) and Dr Simon Singh. All the brief introductory talks they did were very good, but unfortunately I didn't see much of the discussion as I had to run outside and re-charge my iron-age Nokia to continue my twitter stream. It's a shame really, I doubt anyone was actually reading them but seeing as I had a press pass I felt duty bound to continue it. It was quite enjoyable, like the on-line equivalent of a tramp shouting in the street at cars; pointless but strangely cathartic.

I did learn several interesting things though. Dr Evan Harris really doesn't like singing, like he did at the Science is Vital rally (I was there, remember?), but this may have effectively combated the Science cuts. It's like a WMD, only to be used when absolutely necessary. David Allen Green showed us that, although lawyers are widely disliked and regarded as untrustworthy, if they have a Birmingham accent this completely offsets the clichés and makes them likable again.

Simon Singh is possibly one of the most respected and popular people in the scientific community. And rightly so. I'm biased of course, as he actually wanted to speak to me r.e. my Science is Vital talk and to offer me help with my scientific promotions. He also announced the launch of the Nightingale Collaboration, an organisation designed to help coordinate and streamline sceptical activism activities. Read about it, it's well good.

I was outside for this bit though, so missed most of it. Bet it was fun though. Then there was a coffee break. I've been to many conferences all across the country, and there appears to be one rule which unties them all; the coffee is always shit. It does the job though, and if you have to make enough coffee for nearly a thousand people in a very short space of time, quality is bound to suffer.

Unless this was a subtle reminder of how nonsensical homeopathic claims are? Seems a bit unnecessary though, seeing as how everyone there had forked out £200+ to be there. You wouldn't do that if you were still 'undecided', surely? But then maybe that's just me.

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

Science is Vital rally, which I went to.

Yesterday (at time of writing, 19:45pm on 10/10/10) was the Science is Vital rally in London, outside the treasury. I know, because I was there.

After a relatively last minute request from chief organiser Jenny Rohn, I agreed to make the trip (via that chariot of the impoverished and pathologically frugal, the Megabus) to London in order to do a 5 minutes (or less) comedy bit about science and its importance to the UK.

I agreed to do this despite the concern that it may end up that I'd have have travelled for around 4 hours to do some crap jokes to a few dozen desperate people people stood in the rain on a wet weekend afternoon. I hoped this wouldn't be the case, obviously, but as a proper scientist I had to consider it as a probable outcome.

Needn't have worried. Final reports said there were over 2000 present, I'm told.

The weather was also fine. From Bristol onwards, it was uniform white overcast, with zero wind. It was as if they'd cancelled weather for the day, just in case. That's more the domain of super villains that scientists, but there's less of a distinction between the two than most people realise.

It was a great day, and an excellent line up of speakers. And me as well. So that's nice. Here are some notable things that I witnessed.

- There were many journalists and media folk present. They all ignored me, despite my gratuitous blue lab coat, which suited me just fine (the ignoring, not the lab coat, although that does also suit me I reckon). Ergo, I was able to hang around backstage and overhear conversations. One organiser was collared by a reporter who so embodied the clichéd 'TV news reporter' look that I almost believed he was a robot. He was asking what people were and what it meant. E.g. "A Biochemist, what do they do?" The last thing I heard him say was 'Simon Singh. What is he?"

I've heard a lot of people complain that journalists don't understand or appreciate science stories, but to me that was just ridiculous. A 5 second Google search on the iPhone he was waving around between takes could have told him everything, but presumably he didn't see the point or the need.

He may have asked follow up questions, but I'd run off by this point lest he hear me guffawing at him. You'd think they'd send someone with some scientific awareness to cover a science-based protest about the science cuts called 'science is vital'. What's the media playing at? Someone should write them a letter...

- There was a woman in the front row, wearing an elaborate outfit, all pink scarf and flowery things

I'm not sure she was entirely well. She seemed to be acting as if the people speaking on stage were having a discussion with her. Whenever she heard something she had something to say about, she did so. Out loud. While the person on stage was still speaking. She seemed keen and enthusiastic, but this sort of thing is a bit distracting, and this atypical behaviour was quite fascinating. If you know her, or indeed ARE her, please get in touch, I'd love to know what you were saying, as I couldn't make out a word of it.

- During the day, I made the joke that the Science is Vital rally could be renamed 'Nuremberg for Nerds'. That, or 'Twitter: The Live Show'. Some people laughed, but almost everyone else was too busy to listen. Other people didn't really approve.

I've always tried to counteract the way many scientists are seen as insular, self-referencing and not good with people. This is, I feel, and unfair stereotype. But it is, I think, fair to say that scientists mostly talk to other scientists. The fact that scientists tend to ignore anything non-science related and don't engage with the real world was sort of what spurred the campaign in the first place. My joke about the nerd Nuremberg was a bit of a tongue in cheek prediction of what the Daily Mail would say about it if the rally proved to be a big media story. They like accusing scientists of being Nazis.

So, I was a bit surprised when Dr Mark Miodownik, an excellent speaker, got the whole crowd, 2000+ people, playing scissors-paper-stone

A lovely image for the assembled media to take home, I thought.

Now to my bit. Apparently, people liked it. Make your own conclusions, it's here. I spent a fair bit of time prepping it, I didn't want to let the side down. But, as it happens, I think I ballsed it up. I cracked my shin on the stage on the way up (the result of confusion as to who goes where with the legendary Doctor Evan Harris) so was a bit disorientated with that. I forgot some bits, I got a few bits out of order, I did an impromptu ad-lib about George Osborne which got waaaay bigger laughs than I was expecting (and that throws me, too much laughter, which is all you'll ever need to know about my comedic prowess), and at some point some guys got on stage behind me. I think they were camera men or tech guys keeping an eye on things, but in the comedy world, someone getting on stage behind you means you've overrun you're time hideously and they're there to hurl you off. Confusing clash of genres, so I duly got confused, rushed the end and left. I don't think I even did 5 minutes.

But still, nobody complained, and I'm my own worst critic so not sure how reliable my analysis is. Afterwards, I got asked to perform at Imperial College in the near future, and the also-legendary Simon Singh has been in touch about it (and it wasn't to lodge a harsh complaint, so that's nice).

It was a brilliant day, and awe-inspiring to be in the presence of what is essentially the real-world equivalent of the Illuminati. Not sure if the cuts will be affected by this, but from now on there can't be any political dismissal of the science community (but then, Politicians are renowned for acting in ways that are completely opposed to the logical course based on available evidence, so we'll see).

A massive congrats and kudos to all those involved in organising it, including Jenny, Evan Harris, Della, Michelle, Stephen, Richard and God knows how many others I have neglected to include. Follow them on Twitter to follow the saga. And please, if you follow me on Twitter and see me standing around somewhere like a lemon, don't hesitate to come and say hi; I'm a good conversationalist, I can just never think of how to start them. So I don't, and then it looks like I'm avoiding people. I'm not. Odds are, I'm probably bored so would appreciate meeting someone.

Sign the petition if you haven't. Write your MP if you haven't. Lobby Parliament this week.

And now, for those of you who care about such things, what follows is the talk I intended to do. Enjoy (or not, up to you).

Hello. Although it's incredible to see so many scientists and science supporters here today, it does make me worry, seeing as if a major disaster were to strike this location right now, it would cause a significant drop in the national average IQ. Amongst other things, obviously. It would probably be a lot quieter on twitter, for starters. There's the treasury as well, of course but let's not worry about that. It's not like there's anything in there these days.

Some of you may be wondering who am I to be stood here, amongst all the scientific illuminati. And I use the word illuminati as a joke, before any Dan Brown fans get too excited. Dan Brown isn't even a real person anyway, he's a spambot that got wildly out of control.

But what relevance do I, someone generally unknown, have to this campaign, exactly? Well, I’m not the head of a research group, an influential journalist or anything like that. I’m a doctor of Neuroscience, but I haven’t had a job for over a year now. Ergo, I’m an unemployed scientist. I try to scrape some extra cash together on the stand-up comedy circuit, and you know how desperate I am when comedy is seen as my fall-back option. So consider me a warning; if these cuts aren’t opposed here and now, you could all end up like me! And nobody wants that. This isn’t even a real lab coat; I’m stood here wearing this while my wife is at home wondering what happened to the bedroom curtains.

I’m not blaming my own situation on lack of funding. There are many reasons for me not finding work, chief among them being the fact that I did say I was a doctor of Neuroscience, but I’m not a particularly good one. But I know many people, highly qualified peers of mine who are brilliant and enthusiastic scientists, who are also struggling to find work, and to me that isn't right. If nothing else it's a waste of time and resources. All that training, all that potential, not being exploited, and that doesn't make economic sense to me. Say what you will about the government, but I sincerely doubt they'd voluntarily spend billions on something they had no intention of using. Apart from the trident missiles of course. Why do we need new ones, spray them a different colour etc., who's going to call our bluff?

I personally don't think anyone in the scientific community expected us to completely avoid being affected by the cuts; it's not like we're the banking industry. But I think we all hoped that any cuts made would be rational and well thought out, in order to minimise disruption. Not, as seems to be the case, Vince Cable pulling random numbers out of... well, an orifice of your choice, really. But maybe even that was naive? It might be just me, but I've detected a certain societal resentment of science and scientists. It might just be a resentment towards me, admittedly, but I'm often encountering hostility when I tell people what I do. And they've asked me, mind you. "What do you do?" "I'm a Neuroscientist", "OH! Think you're clever do you?" ".......YES! You sort of have to be in order to get to be one". Does anyone else get this sort of treatment? "I'm an Olympic sprinter" "OH! Think you're a fast runner, do you?" And so on.

Returning to the issue, you could say there is a certain logic in the argument that, in order to save money, we should only fund quality research. But that argument, that only quality should receive funding, is a bit hard to take from a government that recently declared that Homeopathy should be funded on the NHS because, apparently, choice is crucial.

I'm sure there are many critics who would say we're whinging, that we all have to face cuts and we shouldn't be exempt just because we're scientists. And maybe not every single bit of scientific research is absolutely vital to the UK's reputation and economy. I'm sure we'd concede that.

But if the technique of funding only quality is applied to science, the arguments justifying it mean it should be surely be applied to all other fields too. Transport: Only rail services that provide a reliable service should receive government funding; a saving of about 100% there. Politics? Maybe only those ministers that can prove they have a positive effect on their constituencies should receive pay? In fact, if quality is so important, maybe these sorts of decision should only be made by political parties that can obtain enough votes to form a majority government on their own? Banking even, surely only quality banks should receive public funds? I'm no economist, but it seems pretty easy to spot which banks are the quality ones; they're the ones that don't need public funding in order to keep being banks!

Science is also commanded to do more with less, effectively violating the laws of conservation of mass. But then, it seems the government is exempt from the laws of conservation of mass. They made nearly a trillion pounds disappear without a trace. Lord knows where it's gone, hopefully the Large Hadron Collider will find it in a few months. Unless they do something stupid like, I don't know, cut the funding.

I've been quite flippant in my brief time up here. That was kind of the point of me being here, if we're honest. But the point about the damage these science cuts could cause, which the other speakers have made far more eloquently than I ever could, remains very valid. But I'll leave you with this

A lot of people have cited the argument that other world leaders are pledging to increase scientific and research funding in response to the economic crisis. Now, I'll believe that when I see it, although far be it for me to not instinctively take politicians at their word. But I remember seeing the Prime Minister of the UK, David Cameron, on TV a few months back, when first introducing the cuts, saying that he wants these cuts to be sustainable. Which I think is PR speak for "The banks have your money, and I don't see why they should have to return it". But this phrase worried me, because, as anyone with any medical or biology experience could tell you, a sustained cut, a cut that doesn't end, those can be fatal. Especially if made to a vital area of the body. Like science.

And on that semi-pithy observation, I'm off to Trafalgar Square to raise enough money to get home. Those Big Issues won't sell themselves.

E-mail: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

Questions for a chiropractic Q & A

Those of you who are regular readers of this blog, thank you. It's nice to know there are people out there with as much time to fritter away as I have.

But if you're a regular reader, or even someone who likes to dip in now and again, much like the titular digestive (I was going to use the term 'dunkers' to describe such people, but that term is normally associated with Dairylea snack packs, or in some cases, condoms, neither of which seem particularly flattering), if you're either of these sorts of readers of this humble blog, then you may know that I have previously taken issue with the fact that the University of Wales, via the University of Glamorgan, offers accredited courses in Chiropractic.

I don't like the fact that the University of my country of origin, which I've helped to function, publicise and promote for nearly 10 years now, is lending its credibility to the teaching and promotion of chiropractic, the belief that you can treat all manner of illnesses via potentially dangerous back-rubs.

In case my subtle hints don't make it clear enough, I do not like chirocpractic. I would say I don't like chiropractors but I've never (as far as I know) met one. I do, however, resent the fact that there is one operating round the corner from me. My feelings about this are a matter of public record.

I emailed the University, but got the standard 'fobbing me off' response, which was so dull I didn't bother putting it up here. I also discovered that anti-quack maestro Prof. David Colquhoun has been pursuing this matter himself for many years now. If an eminent professor like him can't get useful results from the proper channels, what chance does an unknown unemployed Neurobod like me have?

Well...

A relative 'unknown' like me would probably be more effective on undercover operations. As it happens, I'm currently helping organise a big publicity project type thing for the University, and as a result I recently found myself in the University of Glamorgan.

(I should stress that the University of Glamorgan is generally a very respectable and hard working higher-education establishment, but this sort of makes it worse that they seem to be condoning the teaching of chiropractic)

While there, I happened to pass the information screens, and what did I see?

So, apparently they have a Q&A session for people with questions about chiropractic? I don't know where it is exactly, but should I find out, I hope to go along. After all, chiropractors and other alt-med supporters regularly turn up at sceptical events and raise objections, it would be rude not to return the favour, right?

So, what to ask them? Here are some things I'd like to see someone try and answer. Feel free to add your own.

1: "A mean skeptic in a pub told me that chiropractic was all made up and had no basis in science. So I've arranged to have him beaten up. But are there any injuries that chiropractic can't treat? I don't want him recovering if it's at all possible"

2: "I watched Star Trek the other day. The Vulcan's use neck pinches and death grips, and these are obviously chiropractic techniques. Did the Star Trek people ask permission for this or do we need to sue them? Or are they saying that a super intelligent alien race would use chiropractic? If so, shouldn't we say this in our promotional literature?"

3: "My friend was suffering severe stomach upset, so I did some chiropractic manipulation on his abdomen. The results were very messy. Was this an unpleasant side effect, or did I accidentally perform the chiropractic cure for constipation?"

4: "If I perform chiropractic on my broadband cable, will it remove any subluxations and make my Internet faster?"

5: Same question as above, but about the fuel lines on a car

6: "A lot of my family have health issues and have asked if I could treat them for free. If I spend too much time touching and massaging my own family, won't I end up in jail?"

7: "Exactly how do you spell and pronounce 'Chiropractic' and 'Chiropractor'? I'm dyslexic and I wandered into a Proctology class the other day. The the things they showed me were hideous, and when I tried to perform therapy on the affected areas all hell broke loose"

8: "What time is the big dance-off with the Osteopaths?"

9: "I was talking during a lecture the other day, and as I left the lecturer kicked me in the back. Was this assault, or was he just trying to correct my posture? I just want to know whether to inform the police or not"

10: "A lot of escorts offer massages (I'm told). If I'm performing chiropractic therapies on someone and they get aroused, do I stop or charge them extra?"

11: "Someone told me that you can use homeopathy to treat cows. I didn't want chiropractic to be out-done, so when my uncle said one of the cows on his farm was sick I said I'd treat it with what I've learned here. Basically, are there any heavy duty chiropractic tables and hoists available? We broke 3 tables, 2 barn doors and a farm labourers back trying to do it"

12: "Further to the previous question, does the course cover the effective chiropractic treatments for massive impact trauma and serious horn wounds? The 'cow' in question was actually a 'bull'. And judging by it's reaction to our efforts, it seemed to be a sceptic bull at that."

13: "A lot of athletes say they go to chiropractors and it helps them perform well. Doesn't this mean that they owe their success to their chiropractor? If I end up treating a successful athlete, shouldn't I be entitled to a cut of their earnings?"

14: "I practised some chiropractic therapy on my dog yesterday. It fell asleep it's leg started shaking. Do human patients do this?"

15: "What's the chiropractic treatment for serious sunburn?"

16: "If manipulating the arrangement and alignment of parts of the body has serious effects on a persons health, what's the chiropractors view on firm handshakes?"

17: "I saw that the film 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" on display in my local video shop the other day. Will the University fund my legal costs if I sue blockbusters for using this term in a public context?"

And so on.

e-mail: humourology (at) live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy