Astrology for the Scientific

I've no doubt that this sort of thing has been done dozens of times before by people better at it than me. But it's Sunday, and I'm bored.

So, I saw via that there twitter that some people are claiming that astrology effectively predicted Hurricane Irene. I don't know if that means they predicted it would happen in general, or that it would strike land at a specific time, or that it would be a certain intensity or blah blah blah. If they predicted it happening in general, I'm sure meteorologists would have done that with a greater degree of certainty long before anyone consulted the star charts. But that's just me, ever the dismissive cynic.

Astrology in general is believed to have predicted many things, like the September the 11^thattacks, Royal Weddings, several wars and lord knows what else. I believe these questionable 'successes' can be explained by what is known in the scientific circles as 'throw enough shit at a wall and some will stick' technique. But I will admit to having a soft spot for astrology, despite what I may have said in the past. I always appreciate creativity, even when it's not something I'd necessarily approve of or agree with. But people love horoscopes and star signs, the thought that our lives are being influenced by something bigger and more powerful than we are is obviously very reassuring to many people (see also; All religions ever). I've even dabbled with writing horoscopes myself before now.

So overall, I feel us sciencey types are missing out with our knee-jerk dismissals of all things astrological. So, to hopefully address this concern, here is a new, revamped star chart for scientists, rationalists, sceptics and the like. What does your star-sign say about cynical old you? Find out*.

PLUTONIOUS

(Jan 20^th – Feb 18^th)

You are a brash and confident seeming, with an outgoing exterior that hides a crippling self-doubt and neurosis that eats away at you and will eventually cause you to blurt out all of your worries and fears in one long stream of consciousness, probably to a nearby commuter who will seriously consider alerting the police about you. Scientifically, you will end up in a discipline that sounds very impressive (e.g. Nuclear Physics, Genetic modification, Germ warfare) but makes people back away slowly when you tell them what is you do, which you will do often. If you end up doing research, you will publish your results anywhere as long is means you're first author. If it's a disreputable or poor-credibility journal, you will tell people that they were the only ones who would publish your data as it's 'too groundbreaking' or 'the establishment don't want people to hear it'. A Plutonius is most likely to be the 'lone maverick' or 'sole dissenting voice' when it comes to controversial theories, and will inevitably cause a public panic or scandal. You assume parties never go on later than 10pm, because that's when everyone has left whenever you go to one.

Likes: Olivia Lee, Heston Blumenthal, Hawaiian Shirts, 9/11 conspiracy theories.

Dislikes: All Bran, poets, the peer review process, JLS.

PAISCES

(Feb 19^th – Mar20^th)

Numbers are your friends. Even the imaginary ones. Ergo, you have imaginary friends. Your meticulous devotion to the mathematical properties of everyday life mean people are always keen to get your help when dealing with taxes and such, but you don't get invited out for dinner often, as you have an unsettling habit of only ever eating the items on your plate in a specific order, and your tendency to argue over what constitutes an appropriate tip gets quite embarrassing. Every collection of items you own (DVD's, pens, socks, books) adds up to a prime number. You are not consciously aware of this, but would be pleased if you found out. You have no particular style or appearance, but however you look you are always perfectly symmetrical. Animals tend to look at you with suspicion. You will probably have been tested for autism at some point in your life. You don't really see the point in Sudoku, you never even have to fill it in order to solve it. A Paisces is highly likely to be involved in some heavily numerical discipline, and more are entering the financial sector these days as the huge numbers being used constantly excites them in ways they're not keen to tell people about.

Likes: Pub Quiz machines, logic puzzles, Russell Crowe, the Financial Times, Stephen Baxter

Dislikes: Shakespeare, Hollywood sci-fi, Carol Vorderman, the X-factor, train stations

MARIECURIES

(Mar 21^st – Apr 19^th)

You are strident and forthright, but not in a way that's helpful to you or your career. Everyone is plotting against you. It's likely that your theory about this is true, but it's more often than not a consequence rather than a cause of your behaviour. You are keen to have a family while keeping your career going, largely just to show people you are capable of that. A Mariecuries may enter any number of scientific fields, but once there they will be very prolific, producing data and forging a reputation at the expense of any personal interaction or social skills. You want people to know your name, and they probably will, but any time they say it it'll be prefaced with the words 'Oh no! It's...', or some variation of this. A Mariecuries will get involved with causes of any sort; as long as they a) agree with them, and b) it'll give them a legitimate excuse to berate people and make themselves better known ('a' can be disregarded if the opportunity for 'b' is big enough). If you have a Mariecurie in your lab or institution they will do the work of 3 people, but you're likely to lose at least twice as many due to sudden resignations.

Likes: Ann Widdecombe, twitter, reputable journals, Simon Pegg, online commenting systems

Dislikes: Lottery winners, Simon Cowell, Anime, Banksy, The Guardian.

BOREUS

(Apr 20^th – May 20^th)

You have a very wide range of interests and will absorb and retain information very readily. This is usually at the expense of any ability to relay this information to other people in a manner which is in any way interesting or succinct. You think of clothing purely in terms of what offers the best protection from likely environmental conditions, and see food purely as an energy resource. If it ever did occur to you to go to a high-class restaurant, you would expect the prices to be indicative of the amount of consumable mass you will be given. As a Boreus, you will be ideally suited to lecturing, on any subject that has enough information to fill an hours-long monologue. You have no problem with continuous talking and are actually under the impression that people's default expression is one of crushing apathy or semi-consciousness. Invitations to attend meetings or give speeches rapidly decline as you get older. Depending on age, a Boreus is highly likely to be a big fan of Dungeons and Dragons or World of Warcraft (online). Relationships are sustainable only with partners who understand that it is purely just a means of reproducing and providing offspring with a minimal risk environment in which to develop, in order to ensure survival of genetic information, although a committed Boreus will be happy to explain in depth why this instinct is just an evolved tendency that isn't really essential to anyone who will listen (i.e. No-one)

Likes: Ledgers, grain, books with an index section, the dewy decimal system, cottage cheese.

Dislikes: Twitter, theme parks, news bulletins, the colour purple, Michael McIntyre.

FLORENI

(May 21^st – Jun 20^th)

You are a do-gooder, with helpful intentions that border on the pathological. You will have mastered any and all helpful skills (CPR, Fire safety, Bomb disposal etc.) that you have had the opportunity to learn, and will jump at any chance to put these into practice, even to the extent of assuming minor situations are actually life-threatening so you can spring into action, much to the annoyance of everyone involved. You will most likely be involved in scientific field that has some focus on human health or biology, such as medical doctor, gene therapy, biological research and so on. You will have entered the field 'to help people', as you reflexively tell anyone who has the misfortune to ask you, as they will then be given a 10 minute treatise as to the value of your work in human terms. Your desire to help and be helpful means others will take advantage of your well meaning tendencies, to the point where you become overworked and stressed to far beyond your ability to handle. As a Floreni, you will have several options at this point, but most people opt for either snapping and killing themselves (and many others) in a huge public incident, or resorting to alcohol and narcotics more and more intensely until you find yourself screaming at squirrels in a park for stealing all your marmite (or other spreadable preserve). Any children born to Florenies are likely to experience deep psychological issues after a lifetime of being pampered and experiencing zero risk or challenge.

Likes: ER, Doctor Who, Children in Need, the NHS, fun runs, Vegetables, Red Wine, Aeroplane socks.

Dislikes: House M.D., Scotland, Politicians, the Grand Theft Auto franchise, Secret Santa, Turkish delight.

CHANCER

(Jun 21^st – Jul 22^nd)

You are generally a passive person, one who lets events affect him/her rather than deciding your own course in life. However, when good fortune does come your way, your ability to deal with it and exploit it is minimal so you just make it up as you go along, and end up coming across as, at best, a baffling eccentric or, at worst, a power hungry idiot. Scientifically, you will probably end up in whichever field is most convenient, be it due to parental influence, pre-existing interests or it being a subject taught in a convenient university which accepts you based on the grades you're likely to get. Career progression will be achieved by stepping in for more senior people who leave. A low-level, uninspiring career is likely, except when, as sometimes happens, you stumble upon a new discovery or important finding that will have you achieving notoriety well beyond your competence level. You will either try to coast on this for several years until everyone notices that you've not produced any follow-up work and promptly forget about you, or you will try to make some clever-sounding claims about what your discovery means that will be poorly thought out and annoy everyone else in the field. You will not be shy of commitment in a relationship, as you will desperately need someone to make all the big decisions for you for your own safety. You will also tend to avoid people in your on field as they tend to make you realise the extent to which you've a very poor understanding of what it is you do.

Likes: Public transport, Supernanny, life coaches, CCTV, ready meals.

Dislikes: Elections, audits, assault courses, sushi, delegation, improvised comedy.

Neo

(Jul 23^rd – Aug 22^nd)

You are 'cool'. By which I mean you think you're cool, but go out of your way to show others how cool you are, which is not cool. You are interested in science because it is not as 'square' as it used to be, it features in a lot more films these days and allows you to affect an air of nonchalant superiority when you tell non-scientists what you do (which is probably something cutting edge and/or slightly dangerous, such as nanotechnology or drug development). Your desire to appear cool often clashes with your scientific instincts, such as wearing shades in low-light environments, boasting about your vegetarianism while wearing leather jackets, tweeting about the disgraceful consumerist attitudes of society via an iPhone, and so on. You will embrace all new trends and technologies in order to exploit the brief window where you're more 'ahead' of the rest of the people you know. You will behave similarly in your scientific work, favouring more unlikely and obscure conclusions and theories purely to stand apart from accepted wisdom and get noticed. This will happen, and you'll be labelled a dickhead. You may find yourself working with the media far more than anticipated, but nowhere near as much as you'd truly like.

Likes: Steve Jobs, Night clubs, swords, martial arts, the Sopranos, Thai food.

Dislikes: Carol Vorderman, Nokia phones, the peer-review process, blue cheese, golf, the periodic table.

Vogon

(Aug 23^rd – Sept 22^nd)

You have borderline sociopathic tendencies. You're love of science stems from a deep-seated dislike of people in general. You may have had several negative experiences as a young child that led you to develop this loathing for your fellow man, but are unaware that, in a social context, they were largely self-inflicted. You pursue science, most likely in a biological discipline but not always, as it allows you to mentally reduce human beings to a collection of unconscious processes and also makes it somewhat easier for you to kill them if it ever comes to that. You think this will happen. You will probably excel in your scientific career, seeing as you care not for the concern and respect of others and completely lack even the vaguest hint of a social life. This allows you to get a lot of work done and data produced in a much shorter space of time, and this will reflect well on you with regards to people who don't know you and have no contact with you. The idea of a relationship with someone genuinely baffles you. You invariably dress smartly or at least in a standard manner as anything unusual means attention from people, and you don't want that. Not until you can find a suitable place to hide the bodies, anyway.

Likes: Band saws, plagues, private Health care, silence, the X factor.

Dislikes: Jehovah's Witnesses, Telesales, public transport, pubs, the immune system.

COXIAN

(Sept 23^rd – Oct 22^nd)

You are a somewhat other-worldly creature. Although physically a normal human in appearance and anatomy, mentally you dwell in some other world where the norms are your own. People often ask you if you're stoned or inebriated, you will reassure them at first then become distracted by your own wandering brain again, leaving them none the wiser over all. You care deeply about science as it means you might be able to eventually investigate the wild flights of fancy that occur to you approximately 34 times an hour. You will eventually gravitate towards quantum mechanics, parallel worlds theory, or one of the other sciences which still operates on a largely theoretical basis, so as to not spoil your daydreams with brutal logic and evidence. Your life could end up being a risky one, as although everyone will think of you as harmless of possibly endearing, you do have a concentration problem which means you are more likely to walk in front of buses or fall down manholes. The opposite sex will invariably be drawn to you, but they will eventually express their frustration with your lack of attention to them and leave in a huff. Maybe half the time, you'll notice this has happened.

Likes: Exotic cheese, Futurama, mountaintops, Steve Martin, the Vengaboys.

Dislikes: Census forms, the Peer review process, textbooks, gravity, open manholes.

VENOMUS

(Oct 23^rd – Nov 21^st)

You are the rugged outdoors type. Everything about you says adventure and exploration. You suffer from almost crippling claustrophobia. You will end up pursuing any scientific discipline that allows you to go to places where most people wouldn't go to and have a look around, possibly chopping at bits of it with a comically exaggerated machete. Zoology, geology, anthropology, anything like this gets you going (figuratively and literally). Your preferences mean you may have difficulty dealing with others. You have so many experiences and adventures you wish to tell people about that it's difficult for them to get a word in. Your constant thrill seeking means you will have trouble finding a partner. Some people propose or get married during a bungee jump, you'd probably need to conduct an entire relationship via one. Although an academic career is something you couldn't physically endure, but stories of your escapades will help inspire others into being interested and respecting science, right up to the point where all your good work is undone when you succumb to a hitherto undiscovered and harmless looking poison snail.

Likes: Jungles, adrenalin, arctic explorer ships, barbecues, Bear Grylles.

Dislikes: Desks, suits, mortgages, budget airlines, David Attenborough.

SAGGYWEARYUS

(Nov 22^nd – Dec 21^st)

Despite your best efforts, you will inevitably end up as the type of scientist that is often regarded as 'ridiculous stereotype'. If you are male, you'll start to develop unruly white hair, a ridiculous moustache at some time around your 21^st Birthday, and it will get worse from there. You will discover all your clothes are made from tweed and can be worn over or under a lab coat with little or no bother. You may find yourself starting to speak with an Eastern European lilt for no discernible reason. Regardless of the scientific discipline you are involved with or what level you're at, people will start calling you 'Professor', to the point where you are officially declared one and are given all the associated responsibilities of one. You won't have a clue what you're doing, but it's Ok as everyone will assume you're an eccentric genius. If you are female, the exact same will happen, but instead of a moustache you'll grow shorter, and wear your hair in a bun.

Likes: Tweed, animals, tolerant postgraduates, rats, blackboards, port.

Dislikes: The internet, hip-hop, Starbucks, flamingos, lager.

CAPRIPORN

(Dec 22^nd – Jan 19^th)

Urrghh. You know what you're like, I see no reason to state it here. Disgusting.

Likes: [CENSORED]

Dislikes: Overly-curious computer repair technicians.

* = I'd say one person at most will conform to these outrageous exaggerations. Happy scienceing!

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

Mystic Ted, the latest edition again

If anyone still reads this, Mystic Ted is the spoof horoscope I write for The Cheek (www.thecheek.co.uk)

In case of editing, here's the latest one. I had fun with it.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Your membership has been suspended pending the outcome of the investigation” (Mr. P. R. Normal, head of the UK Guild of Astrologers)

NOTE FROM TED: That cow Pat took my winning competition entry and got to go to New York! I knew she’d do that, but I was too hammered to stop her. Although I predict she’ll have trouble getting back out of the USA (due to some well meaning astrologer telling customs she talks in that funny way because she’s the head of a terrorist cell), it means I’ve had to take a less glamorous holiday. So here’s my horoscope combined with my holiday diary, detailing my lovely weeks break at the Gorlleinon Housing Estate.

• VIRGO: Got to Gorlleinon on Sunday evening. The B&B I’d booked wasn’t where they said it would be, there was just a skip full of used nappys with “Bobs Bedd + Brecfust” scrawled on the side with what I really hoped was brown paint. I went to the nearby off-license and asked the guy through the security shutter if I had the right place, and he said Bob used to have a caravan there that he rented out but which he blew up last week trying to install central heating with a length of hose and a bucket of stolen diesel. In return for his kindness, I told the guy, who was a Virgo, that he shouldn’t open the shop tomorrow as he was going to get robbed again around 10.36 am. He thought I was threatening him and said he’d call the police. I told him he could if he liked as they would turn up 3 weeks later. I left then as he started taking pot shots at me through the shutter with an air rifle.

• TAURUS: Woke up Monday morning after a surprisingly comfy yet horrifically unpleasant night in the skip. Tried to find a bathroom to clean up but saw no sign of one. Luckily, after the nights heavy rain, a blocked gutter burst over me at this point, which, although full of dead leaves and rats, actually made me cleaner overall. I went to find breakfast, and saw a greasy spoon down the road. Went in, told the guy on the counter, the owner and also a Taurus, that the bacon he was going to buy next week from a guy in a truck was actually the remains of retired racing pigeons, sprayed pink. He gave me a free sausage sandwich to thank me, then charged me £5.67 for a cup of tea. I had 83 sugars just to get my moneys worth, and spent the next 3 hours not blinking

• PISCES: Passed a crazy woman who was a Pisces while going for a walk. She screamed something I couldn’t understand and threw a rag at me. I tried to give it back, and told her if she went to the alley behind the corner shop on Thursday at 5pm she’d get a large sum of money dropped on her from the second floor window. She mumbled something and wandered off. Actually, not sure now if it was money or and old couch that would land on her. To be honest, I just wanted her to leave. Still; free rag!

• CANCER: Rather than sleep in the skip again, curled up for an early night in the doorway of an abandoned shop. Woke up around 2am with another guy sleeping on top of me. He was a Cancer, so I told him that he wasn’t homeless, just drunk on White Lightning and he’d forgotten where he lived. Was tempted just to take his keys and stay in his house instead of him, but when he got home his wife would be waiting with a handful of old betting slips and a frying pan, so thought better of it and directed him home.

• LEO: Sat on a bench in the local park for a bit. Threw some bread for the ducks, but then the squirrels came and tried to eat it and there was carnage. Some idiot accidentally dropped a bag of steroids last week, apparently, and the wildlife has been going nuts. Almost got covered in blood, fur and feathers so I left. Passed two kids, both Leos, bunking off school. Told them that if they went to school now they’d see their form teacher being arrested and they raced off. Neglected to mention he’d be arrested for finally snapping and chasing those two little swines across the school with a specially sharpened ruler for an hour.

• ARIES: Bought lunch from a guy selling seafood from a cart, then spent some time in an alley behind a community centre losing it again. A lovely woman, an Aries, came and found me, put a blanket round me and ushered me inside. I tried to tell her I wasn’t a junkie, I was on holiday, but she thought I was delirious. I tried to tell her future, but the sickness was giving me double vision so I told her she and her twin sister would meet two identical handsome strangers on a pair of busses. She sat me down in a circle of people, all shaking and sweating. They kept going on about their problems, but I stayed because the coffee was decent.

• LIBRA: Wandered down the main street, looking for somewhere to buy some new clothes, or at least a pack of wet wipes. A guy leapt out from behind a phone box and threatened me, told me to give him my wallet. Instead of a knife, he had a pair of nail clippers. I wasn’t particularly scared, so instead of giving him my money I told him about all the diseases he would catch in his life, exactly when and how he’d get them, and the symptoms. He left in the end, completely depressed.

• SCORPIO: Booked a ‘seaside jaunt’ with ‘Bobs Lovely Day Trips Company’. Got on a minibus that smelled of smoke and incontinence and we were off. Trip lasted 3 hours, most of which was spent going round the same roundabout to build up enough speed to change to 3^rd gear, I think. Got there at midday. Not so much a seaside, more an abandoned building site next to a polluted pond. My only other traveller, Sidney (a Scorpio), was a pensioner who thought he was getting on the bus back to his home. I told him that tomorrow they’d be having Rice Pudding for tea, and that would sort his bowels out. Bought a stick of rock that turned out to be an old tent peg wrapped in cling film.

• SAGGITARIUS: Party night! Decided to hit the disco. Got dressed up in my least stinking clothes and hit the clubs. No clubs, but a few bars let me in. The Dog and Crowbar, a delightful little place I sincerely hope I never see again, was quite memorable. Every customer in unison asked me what I was looking at as soon as I entered. Struck up a conversation with Boris the Sagittarius, and told him at the end of the night he’d be beating some poor sods face in.

• CAPRICORN: Woke up in A and E, apparently Boris beat my face in because I laughed when he sang ‘Endless Love’ on the Karaoke. The nurse, a lovely young Capricorn, took pity on me and showed me where the shower room was. I finally got clean for the first time in days, only to come out to find they’d taken my clothes away and burned them for Hygiene reasons. Nurse Capricorn apologised but told me they were setting off alarms. I asked if she’d go to dinner with me as an apology. She was flattered but already had a boyfriend. I told her he was going to break up wither tomorrow as she’s too emotionally fragile. She agreed to go out with me whilst weeping copiously.

• AQUARIUS: Date with Nurse Capricorn. Spent a while finding suitable clothes to wear as I had to leave the hospital in a backless surgical gown. Got some odd looks and several threats while walking down the High Street. Finally bought an old 50’s style suit from a charity shop. Only 6 fag burns, a bargain at £3. Then checked crystal ball. Nurse Capricorn’s boyfriend, an Aquarius, was going to meet me outside the restaurant we’d agreed to meet at with rusty pipe to teach me a lesson for ruining his break up. Turns out Nurse Capricorn would be so touched by this she’d agree to marry him while he stoved my skull in. Decided to go home instead.

• GEMINI: Bus home. Would like to say I had a lovely time, but that would be a lie. A large lady next to me, a Gemini, fell asleep and started dribbling on my shoulder. I foresaw that she’d catch nits from my ratty old suit, so I felt like I won overall. I keep wondering why I don’t check my own horoscope, because maybe then I’d not have bad things happen to me? But where’s the fun in that? Bye bye, Gorlleinon.

Mystic Ted, the latest edtions

Some of you may know that I write the Horoscopes for free Cardiff satirical publication 'The Cheek'. I write as Mystic Ted, who cuts all the vague crap from horoscopes and is unflinchingly honest in his predictions, just to make a mockery of the whole thing. Here's the latest ones for those of you who don't live in North or Central Cardiff (where it's distributed). And if you have read it, these are the unedited versions, so there may be something in there you didn't get to see.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“So accurate that it’s quite unsettling” (Camarthen Bugle)

• ARIES: It’s 11.56pm, I just got home from the pub and I’ve got to have this done by tomorrow morning. I’m tired. But that job you want? You won’t get it. No real reason, but you do sweat a lot in interviews, it’s quite rank to be honest. Everyone in your current job calls you ‘Lord of the sweat-rings’, so no wonder you want to leave.

• TAURUS: Look, right, just because your mother says she left her coat on the bus, doesn’t mean she did. She probably sold it to buy fags, it wouldn’t be the first time. Yeah, I’m saying she’s a liar. That’s right, and what you gonna do about it? Want to take this outside? Yeah? Yeah! YEAH? YEAH! C’MON THEN!

• PISCES: Stay away from anyone who’s a Taurus, you can’t trust them. Say one thing and they come at you, swinging bottles and all that and all I said was his mother’s a liar, honestly officer, he started it… what? Oh, right, yeah, horororoscopes, them things. Umm.. Gemini… oh, God I just had it.. oh yeah, your new baby isn’t yours.

• CANCER: Alright? Yeah, me too. No actually, had a bit to drink, feel a bit worse for wear now, but I’m fine, I’m fine to drive, or what is it? Predict stuff, yeah I can do that. Hey, you know that one night stand you had all those months ago? Well, she was married, and she’s just had a baby. And it’s ginger. Bad luck man, but don’t shoot the messenger.

• LEO: Oh for the love of… what is with that sodding paper-clip? No, I don’t want to write a letter, exit… c’mon, I pressed the little cross bit, why are you still here… did it just wink at me? Why does a stupid office tool thing fancy me? How does that happen? Oh sh – Leo’s! Horrosoaps, yes, them… Um… you need stamps!

• VIRGO: Iss weird in it! Virgo, like, that means virgin, and your not one! So, like it’s all a big con or something! Like, I’ve never met a Leo who was actually a Lion, or a Libra who was a weighing scales or anything, so what’s that all about? Y’know? Iss like… iss like… when your mother tells you there’s a tooth fairy, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your dad just takes your tooth money to buy white cider… you have a rash, change your washing powder, get something that doesn’t have a blue stripe on it for once, cheap sod.

• LIBRA: Libras, like, you’re the good guys. Bloody good boys, and girls, all my best mates are Libras, except the ones who are Virgos, or something else. Not Taurus’s though, can’t stand that lot. So because you’re so much my best mates, here’s a tip. The 2.20 at Chepstow, bet all your money on ‘Saucy Phil’, at 55 to 1. You won’t win, but you’ll learn not to gamble.

• SCORPIO: Wow, your life is great. Really, like, cool. If you go to the corner shop tomorrow, and buy a scratch card, right (the blue ones with pirates on, third lot down from the top), you’ll win £200,000. That’s loads of money, and you should give half of it to a destitute horoscope writer who’s going through a painful divorce because his wife’s a filthy Pisces who got knocked up by a rotten Cancer.

• SAGITTARIUS: Oh God alive, your so dull. If your life ever flashed before your eyes it would be, like, half as exciting as your average screensaver. Just read one of the above horoscopes and pretend it’s yours, I can’t be bothered.

• CAPRICORN: I don’t care, you selfish git, my wife left me, did I mention that? Actually I threw her out, it isn’t my baby, it’s some guy who’s a Cancer and I don’t care. She can have the house, I don’t want it, I’ll find my own place. Actually, when your washing machine breaks down next week and you buy a new one, can I have the old one? I can fix it, I know a guy.

• AQUARIUS: I love that old song, yeah… “And we were SINGING! Hymns and ARRias.. Land OF mY FatheRS, ah DO BE DOOOOO! Yeah!” WOOOOO! I don’t need her, all I need is an 8 pack and I’m happy! Who needs em eh? Not me! And clean out your hamster’s cage, it’s not hibernating, it’s dead!

• GEMINI: …She’ll take me back, she needs me. Although I threw her out, so I’ll take her back if she wants me, I mean, y’know, it’s all good, every marriage has it’s rocky patch, and she’s not even pregnant, just fat, and I didn’t have the guts to tell her. She’s got guts, loads, she’s well fat. Maybe I should stop saying stuff like that? You’re wife’s fat too, she hides scotch eggs in her hand bag. But don’t worry, she’ll get food poisoning in a fortnight, that’ll straighten her out…… G’night…..

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Show’s blatant disregard for the laws of causality” (Prof. Hymen Brown)

(NOTE FROM TED: I did these when I was hung over so I had my crystal ball facing the wrong way. This means I’ve predicted the past. I know this makes no sense, but I’m not writing them again, so deal with it)

• VIRGO: When you and Grog and Mog leave the cave to go hunting tomorrow, don’t follow the first trail you find. It is a big deer, but it’s also being stalked by a Sabre-tooth tiger, and if you cross paths only you will make it back to the cave alive, and even that will be difficult what with you having no legs left.

• TAURUS: I seriously advise you not to go on that parade in Dallas tomorrow. Or if you do, at least use a car with a roof. Or wear a helmet or something. Well, remember to bend over and re-tie your shoe whenever you pass a grassy knoll or book store. Fine! Do what you like! Last time I try and do a Yank a favour.

• PISCES: I know it contradicts the maps, compass, star charts etc., but when you pass the coast of South Africa, stay with the wind and turn to Port. No, you won’t make it to India any quicker, or at all in fact, but you’ll be more famous for it. And those red people you meet when you eventually hit land, they’re NOT Indians. Try and remember that, although I know you won’t.

• CANCER: I know it’s been going well for you and your army, and it is impressive to have a million soldiers in your day and age, but those 300 Spartans you’ll come across tomorrow, blocking off the pass through the mountains, you might want to leave them alone. Seriously, they’re more trouble than they’re worth, and there’ll be movies about it in 3000 years time if you don’t. What’s a movie? Ah forget it…

• LEO: Look, I know it goes against everything your mother taught you, and it’s probably why you don’t have a girlfriend and I know it’s your new-years resolution to be more tidy, but listen to me when I say this; DO NOT WASH THOSE PLATES MR FLEMING! Millions of people will be very grateful.

• ARIES: Listen mate, forget what all your teachers say, and forget about your own doubts, your paintings are well good and you really should stick with art school, it’s your true calling in life. Seriously, you’ll be a big success, get all the fame and buy yourself a nice little place in the Austrian countryside. No, I’m not lying, why would I do that? Seriously, I’m not! Fine, nuts to you, why don’t you just grow a stupid ‘tache and join the Germany army! … … Hello? …Hello? ... Oops…

• LIBRA: Yay, verily, and forsooth in the name of thine own merry nuncle, but for when thy portly magistrate doth attend the royal banquet on the coming midsummers eve, remain on thy toes for fear of incurring the wrath of the courts when a humble jester is found cavorting with the chamber-maid of the magistrates comely daughter and finds himself whisked to the tower to await punishment most foul (and you guys talk like this all the time? Barking mad, all of you)

• SCORPIO: You know that bomb shelter you had built underneath your garden? And you know how you equipped it with a water purifier, hi-tech generators, heating etc? And you know how you’ve stocked it with enough food and resources to last a decade? And you know how you did all this to prepare for the Y2K virus, or ‘millennium bug’ as you call it? You’ve really wasted your money.

• SAGGITARIUS: As hard as it may seem to do, I’d strongly advise you to cancel your trip. Although you’ve saved up for years to go, believe me when I say it’s best if you don’t. Granted you’ll lose the deposit, but at least that’s all you’ll lose. It won’t go well, trust me. All I’ll say is, I know they say it’s ‘unsinkable’, but do you really think they’ve bothered testing that claim?

• CAPRICORN: What day is it? Really? Damn, two days too late. You know that band you turned down for your record company on Monday? The Liverpool boys with floppy hair, you said they were like a quartet of particularly talentless mops? It turns out you’re an idiot.

• AQUARIUS: Your new play will be widely regarded as your finest work, and possibly the greatest theatre piece of all time, so well done there. Just one thing though; the title. You might want to re-think it, name it something short, maybe after the main character, rather than ‘Super-slaughter in Demented Denmark Death Drama’, or your other idea ‘everyone dies and nobody wins because life is cruel in Denmark’, neither will work. And lay off the Absinthe!

• GEMINI: I know it’s hard work avoiding that T-rex day after day, but believe me, it’s not worth the effort. Best let him eat you, be over quicker. That big fireball in the sky that keeps getting bigger? Yeah, it’s not going away anytime soon. What do you mean you can’t read? Well sorry, I don’t speak shrew-like proto-mammal.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“CCTV has nothing on this guy” (Abergarw Recorder)

CREDIT CRUNCH SPECIAL! (Ted tells your financial future)

• ARIES: You’ve got three months left in your job. There’s a big round of layoffs coming and, although you’ve been there longest, the fact that you do nothing all day every day hasn’t gone unnoticed. You’ll get a new job in 3 months, but it won’t pay as well. Swipe as many office supplies in the meantime to tide you over, selling pens and staplers at car boot sales will pay for your smoking habit, at least.

• TAURUS: That money you made betting on that outside chance at the dogs? Save that, your wife will announce she’s pregnant on Tuesday, so you’ll have to start buying baby stuff. What? You lost it all on the Cheltenham races? Oooh, you in trouble now!!

• PISCES: Don’t cancel your plans to meet the guys Friday to save money, you do work hard and need a break. You can afford it if you collect all the loose change from the following places; The back of the couch (£5.68), your old jacket pockets (£4.23), the sink waste pipe (£2.25, but wear gloves), the car seat pockets (£6.34), inside the cat (£1.45, don’t ask) and the last book you read (‘Life of Pi’, £60.00, you used that cheque as a bookmark but gave up reading it half way through).

• CANCER: Al tha jobs U R applying 4? U wont get N E of them. This is coz u always rite in TXT speak wen u rite ur application letters, U berk! Wot U expect them to fink? U wudnt lik tha wud u? So u aint got no job. Soz. :(

• LEO: Your new business is not going to go well for the next few months, but it will turn around if you do as I say. What you do is buy a big advert in a local free satirical newspaper, and you’ll see a massive improvement in custom. Seriously, I can’t stress this enough. And tell all your friends and other business contacts, if they all buy ad space then maybe the guy who runs the paper will eventually pay the guy who writes the bloody horoscopes!!!

• VIRGO: Your new car, you are thinking about selling it and getting a cheaper one, but don’t bother. The car market isn’t good at the moment, and anyway it isn’t as thirsty as you think, your neighbour is siphoning off your petrol at night. And you’d save even more if you walked places now and again, which would save buying new clothes too as you might lose some weight.

• LIBRA: You know how you never have enough money to go out at night, but you can’t figure out where it’s going? Here’s a tip, you know how you go to Starbucks 5 times day and order a double-mocha-frappu-wappu-godknowswhataccino? That adds up to a hell of a lot! Have instant for once, or maybe a glass of water? That’s why nobody talks to you anymore, they don’t dislike you but when you speak people can only hear a high pitched buzzing noise.

• SCORPIO: Yeah, it’s been a while since you had a job, but hang on in there, it’ll come. I know you’re depressed, but it’ll be fine. You could always write to ‘Pat answers’ I suppose. I notice she gets paid for her crappy column but the ever popular horoscope guy gets squat. And she’ll do ‘anything’ for a can of Special Brew. Something suspicious there, me thinks? Hmm? Oh yes, it’s all becoming clear now.

• SAGITTARIUS: I’ll be honest mate, I know it’s all come crashing down around you in the last few months, I know you were worth millions and you’ve lost it all, I know you were used to the flash cars, loose women and champagne lifestyle, I know you used to feel repulsed by the working class folk and felt really smug when you screwed another bunch of trusting foke out of their hard earned cash, I know you could have had your pick of any of the trophy wives about, I know all that and as a result I’m not even going to try to help you. Ha ha! LOOOOOOSEEEERRRRRRR!

• CAPRICORN: Your mate Terry, he seems to be the only guy around with a ready supply of cash in these troubled times? What’s his secret? Well, he’s a drug dealer. Not a big one, but bad enough. How envious I mean disgusted by him are you? He’s not really a friend anyway is he, more of a friend of a friend, and if you turn him in you might get a reward! (You won’t)

• AQUARIUS: Seriously mate, I know times are hard, and you really are strapped, but just don’t go suing the local pub because you slipped in the bathroom and bruised a hip. Several reasons. 1. You weren’t working anyway, so no loss of earnings. 2. The floor was wet because you were too hammered to work the taps properly. 3. The pub would be forced to close for good if you win the case, and “Harry the Slasher” and the other regulars will know why, and then a bruised hip will be the least of your worries.

• GEMINI: Seriously mate, pay back what you owe to ‘Teds Loan Company’, or Ted will be forced to send his boys (Harry the Slasher and co., coincidentally) to extract it from you in kind. Yes, I am the same Ted. Why so shocked? A guy needs to make money somehow, and like I said, it’s not like I get paid anything for writing this guff.

MYSTIC [ CEDRIC’S :) ] ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Hang on, who’s this?” (Editor, The Cheek)

NOTE FROM CEDRIC: Coo-Eee! ‘Ello everyone, Edward is away in Tenby for his holidays at the moment, bless him. I’m his brother Cedric, I’m not quite as ‘Hot to Trot’ on the old Horoscopes as my big bruva, tee hee, but he’s left me in charge so I’m sure we’ll muddle through. So put your feet up, sit back, and enjoy. Kisses! (Ced x x)

• VIRGO: Aw, bless your little cotton socks. He’s gone and left you again, hasn’t he! No? Well, he will. But don’t worry, he’s not doing the dirty or anything, he just likes to get out from under your feet for a bit. And you do go on, luv, let’s be fair, no man could up with that level of agro and not go mad. I know you mean well, but you have a voice like Janet Street Porter eating a Parakeet.

• TAURUS: Well, look here mister clever - ‘I don’t need to worry because it will never happen to me’ – clogs, it will happen, it’s going to happen, and from what I can see here, it already has happened. Although that’s in the crystal ball, obviously. What? What am I on about? Well, I don’t see why I should tell you, it’s all your fault… what? … well, I suppose I could. Thing is, luv, you’re going to d- whoops, out of room!

• PISCES: Oooh, look now. Yes, luv, it looks lovely on you, and it will be lovely for Bernice’s wedding, but if you wait for a few weeks it’ll be half price in the summer sale. Just be there early, that cow Lauren has her eye on it too. Not that it would fit her, would be like throwing a tablecloth over a broken boiler.

• CANCER: Ha ha ha, oh bless. You know how Mr Haybright has been carrying on with Dyllis from behind the counter in the post office, well next week she’s going to find him in the sorting room with Julie the new sorting lady. Ooh, there’ll be hell to pay. Honestly, don’t know how Ted can stay away from this thing, better than my Soaps. Also luv, your Fridge is about to pack in… 3… 2… 1... There it goes.

• LEO: The reason, right, luv, that your eldest has been having such trouble at school… well, haven’t you wondered about him? Always in his room, never looks at women, loves strictly come dancing, is always dressed so immaculately, owns all of Elton John’s albums, you know what he is, right? That’s right, he’s a stereotype!

• ARIES: Listen, your mother, bless her heart, she’s not too well. I know she’s had turns in the past and always bounced back, but she’s nearly 80 now, and she can’t go on forever. You’ll have to accept it any time now, I know it’s hard, but you’re a grown man luv. Yes, it’s very difficult to come to terms with, but some time next week, the inevitable will happen. You’ll have to move out. And learn to do your own damn laundry!

• LIBRA: Now, here’s an interesting one. You’ve written a book, yes, well done luv, but you will get fifteen rejection letters next week. One letter, though, will be an acceptance letter, and they’ll offer to publish it, but say no as it’s just a scam. Don’t be surprised if it never gets published, bless you for trying but nobody wants to read a book about one man’s struggle against the Inland Revenue lost property department. You need more sleazy scenes and chisel jawed heroes for a start.

• SCORPIO: How many times do you need to be told! He’s gone over it a dozen times in the last two weeks! It’s not step-pivot-step-twirl-step-pivot-pivot, it’s step-twirl-pivot-dip-spin-dip-step-step-crouch-slide-turn-step-pivot-bow-jazz hands! You’ll need to have that learned by opening night, or the 6 people in the audience will be really upset.

• SAGITTARIUS: Ooh, I know this one. What you do is, right, you don’t use cooked rice, you use cold rice and heat it up, doesn’t stick so much. That way, he’ll be really impressed by your cooking and stay the night. You lucky thing you. But don’t get too smug, the food poisoning will mean nothing saucy gets to happen. And luv, seriously, I know money’s tight at the minute, but never buy raw chicken at a car-boot sale.

• CAPRICORN: Ooh, that accident you’re about to have looks nasty. Aw, is that a boo boo? Poor ickle thing, want uncle Cedric to kiss it better? You never know, it might help. Well it just might, ok? Fine, suit yourself. Ooh, look at me, so cocky, Mr “I’m a qualified Doctor” too good for me is he?

• AQUARIUS: Aw, poor luv. Looks like your holiday is ruined. You’ll only be there a day, but then you’ll find out that a younger sibling you left in charge of your work is ruining it, being all gossipy and unprofessional, it’s sad I know. And thing is… oh, hang on, there’s someone at the door… [click] Hello?… Ted! Why you back so early?... Oh, … oh God…. Help! Help!! HELP!!!!! Aaaaaaargh…. [Thud] OUCH! [Thud] [Thud]

• GEMINI: Oh for the love of God, what the hell has he done here? Don’t ever call your readers ‘Luv’, I told him a hundred times! I knew he would do this, I’m a sodding clairvoyant! Why’d I let him do it?! Well here’s a prediction for you. Pat, of ‘Pat Answers’? You’re a Gemini, I predict that tomorrow you’ll get a letter saying “I ruined my brother’s column and now he’s trying to kill me with a cricket bat; what do I do?” Believe me, I’ll make it happen!