Mystic Ted, the latest edtions

Some of you may know that I write the Horoscopes for free Cardiff satirical publication 'The Cheek'. I write as Mystic Ted, who cuts all the vague crap from horoscopes and is unflinchingly honest in his predictions, just to make a mockery of the whole thing. Here's the latest ones for those of you who don't live in North or Central Cardiff (where it's distributed). And if you have read it, these are the unedited versions, so there may be something in there you didn't get to see.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“So accurate that it’s quite unsettling” (Camarthen Bugle)

• ARIES: It’s 11.56pm, I just got home from the pub and I’ve got to have this done by tomorrow morning. I’m tired. But that job you want? You won’t get it. No real reason, but you do sweat a lot in interviews, it’s quite rank to be honest. Everyone in your current job calls you ‘Lord of the sweat-rings’, so no wonder you want to leave.

• TAURUS: Look, right, just because your mother says she left her coat on the bus, doesn’t mean she did. She probably sold it to buy fags, it wouldn’t be the first time. Yeah, I’m saying she’s a liar. That’s right, and what you gonna do about it? Want to take this outside? Yeah? Yeah! YEAH? YEAH! C’MON THEN!

• PISCES: Stay away from anyone who’s a Taurus, you can’t trust them. Say one thing and they come at you, swinging bottles and all that and all I said was his mother’s a liar, honestly officer, he started it… what? Oh, right, yeah, horororoscopes, them things. Umm.. Gemini… oh, God I just had it.. oh yeah, your new baby isn’t yours.

• CANCER: Alright? Yeah, me too. No actually, had a bit to drink, feel a bit worse for wear now, but I’m fine, I’m fine to drive, or what is it? Predict stuff, yeah I can do that. Hey, you know that one night stand you had all those months ago? Well, she was married, and she’s just had a baby. And it’s ginger. Bad luck man, but don’t shoot the messenger.

• LEO: Oh for the love of… what is with that sodding paper-clip? No, I don’t want to write a letter, exit… c’mon, I pressed the little cross bit, why are you still here… did it just wink at me? Why does a stupid office tool thing fancy me? How does that happen? Oh sh – Leo’s! Horrosoaps, yes, them… Um… you need stamps!

• VIRGO: Iss weird in it! Virgo, like, that means virgin, and your not one! So, like it’s all a big con or something! Like, I’ve never met a Leo who was actually a Lion, or a Libra who was a weighing scales or anything, so what’s that all about? Y’know? Iss like… iss like… when your mother tells you there’s a tooth fairy, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your dad just takes your tooth money to buy white cider… you have a rash, change your washing powder, get something that doesn’t have a blue stripe on it for once, cheap sod.

• LIBRA: Libras, like, you’re the good guys. Bloody good boys, and girls, all my best mates are Libras, except the ones who are Virgos, or something else. Not Taurus’s though, can’t stand that lot. So because you’re so much my best mates, here’s a tip. The 2.20 at Chepstow, bet all your money on ‘Saucy Phil’, at 55 to 1. You won’t win, but you’ll learn not to gamble.

• SCORPIO: Wow, your life is great. Really, like, cool. If you go to the corner shop tomorrow, and buy a scratch card, right (the blue ones with pirates on, third lot down from the top), you’ll win £200,000. That’s loads of money, and you should give half of it to a destitute horoscope writer who’s going through a painful divorce because his wife’s a filthy Pisces who got knocked up by a rotten Cancer.

• SAGITTARIUS: Oh God alive, your so dull. If your life ever flashed before your eyes it would be, like, half as exciting as your average screensaver. Just read one of the above horoscopes and pretend it’s yours, I can’t be bothered.

• CAPRICORN: I don’t care, you selfish git, my wife left me, did I mention that? Actually I threw her out, it isn’t my baby, it’s some guy who’s a Cancer and I don’t care. She can have the house, I don’t want it, I’ll find my own place. Actually, when your washing machine breaks down next week and you buy a new one, can I have the old one? I can fix it, I know a guy.

• AQUARIUS: I love that old song, yeah… “And we were SINGING! Hymns and ARRias.. Land OF mY FatheRS, ah DO BE DOOOOO! Yeah!” WOOOOO! I don’t need her, all I need is an 8 pack and I’m happy! Who needs em eh? Not me! And clean out your hamster’s cage, it’s not hibernating, it’s dead!

• GEMINI: …She’ll take me back, she needs me. Although I threw her out, so I’ll take her back if she wants me, I mean, y’know, it’s all good, every marriage has it’s rocky patch, and she’s not even pregnant, just fat, and I didn’t have the guts to tell her. She’s got guts, loads, she’s well fat. Maybe I should stop saying stuff like that? You’re wife’s fat too, she hides scotch eggs in her hand bag. But don’t worry, she’ll get food poisoning in a fortnight, that’ll straighten her out…… G’night…..

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Show’s blatant disregard for the laws of causality” (Prof. Hymen Brown)

(NOTE FROM TED: I did these when I was hung over so I had my crystal ball facing the wrong way. This means I’ve predicted the past. I know this makes no sense, but I’m not writing them again, so deal with it)

• VIRGO: When you and Grog and Mog leave the cave to go hunting tomorrow, don’t follow the first trail you find. It is a big deer, but it’s also being stalked by a Sabre-tooth tiger, and if you cross paths only you will make it back to the cave alive, and even that will be difficult what with you having no legs left.

• TAURUS: I seriously advise you not to go on that parade in Dallas tomorrow. Or if you do, at least use a car with a roof. Or wear a helmet or something. Well, remember to bend over and re-tie your shoe whenever you pass a grassy knoll or book store. Fine! Do what you like! Last time I try and do a Yank a favour.

• PISCES: I know it contradicts the maps, compass, star charts etc., but when you pass the coast of South Africa, stay with the wind and turn to Port. No, you won’t make it to India any quicker, or at all in fact, but you’ll be more famous for it. And those red people you meet when you eventually hit land, they’re NOT Indians. Try and remember that, although I know you won’t.

• CANCER: I know it’s been going well for you and your army, and it is impressive to have a million soldiers in your day and age, but those 300 Spartans you’ll come across tomorrow, blocking off the pass through the mountains, you might want to leave them alone. Seriously, they’re more trouble than they’re worth, and there’ll be movies about it in 3000 years time if you don’t. What’s a movie? Ah forget it…

• LEO: Look, I know it goes against everything your mother taught you, and it’s probably why you don’t have a girlfriend and I know it’s your new-years resolution to be more tidy, but listen to me when I say this; DO NOT WASH THOSE PLATES MR FLEMING! Millions of people will be very grateful.

• ARIES: Listen mate, forget what all your teachers say, and forget about your own doubts, your paintings are well good and you really should stick with art school, it’s your true calling in life. Seriously, you’ll be a big success, get all the fame and buy yourself a nice little place in the Austrian countryside. No, I’m not lying, why would I do that? Seriously, I’m not! Fine, nuts to you, why don’t you just grow a stupid ‘tache and join the Germany army! … … Hello? …Hello? ... Oops…

• LIBRA: Yay, verily, and forsooth in the name of thine own merry nuncle, but for when thy portly magistrate doth attend the royal banquet on the coming midsummers eve, remain on thy toes for fear of incurring the wrath of the courts when a humble jester is found cavorting with the chamber-maid of the magistrates comely daughter and finds himself whisked to the tower to await punishment most foul (and you guys talk like this all the time? Barking mad, all of you)

• SCORPIO: You know that bomb shelter you had built underneath your garden? And you know how you equipped it with a water purifier, hi-tech generators, heating etc? And you know how you’ve stocked it with enough food and resources to last a decade? And you know how you did all this to prepare for the Y2K virus, or ‘millennium bug’ as you call it? You’ve really wasted your money.

• SAGGITARIUS: As hard as it may seem to do, I’d strongly advise you to cancel your trip. Although you’ve saved up for years to go, believe me when I say it’s best if you don’t. Granted you’ll lose the deposit, but at least that’s all you’ll lose. It won’t go well, trust me. All I’ll say is, I know they say it’s ‘unsinkable’, but do you really think they’ve bothered testing that claim?

• CAPRICORN: What day is it? Really? Damn, two days too late. You know that band you turned down for your record company on Monday? The Liverpool boys with floppy hair, you said they were like a quartet of particularly talentless mops? It turns out you’re an idiot.

• AQUARIUS: Your new play will be widely regarded as your finest work, and possibly the greatest theatre piece of all time, so well done there. Just one thing though; the title. You might want to re-think it, name it something short, maybe after the main character, rather than ‘Super-slaughter in Demented Denmark Death Drama’, or your other idea ‘everyone dies and nobody wins because life is cruel in Denmark’, neither will work. And lay off the Absinthe!

• GEMINI: I know it’s hard work avoiding that T-rex day after day, but believe me, it’s not worth the effort. Best let him eat you, be over quicker. That big fireball in the sky that keeps getting bigger? Yeah, it’s not going away anytime soon. What do you mean you can’t read? Well sorry, I don’t speak shrew-like proto-mammal.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“CCTV has nothing on this guy” (Abergarw Recorder)

CREDIT CRUNCH SPECIAL! (Ted tells your financial future)

• ARIES: You’ve got three months left in your job. There’s a big round of layoffs coming and, although you’ve been there longest, the fact that you do nothing all day every day hasn’t gone unnoticed. You’ll get a new job in 3 months, but it won’t pay as well. Swipe as many office supplies in the meantime to tide you over, selling pens and staplers at car boot sales will pay for your smoking habit, at least.

• TAURUS: That money you made betting on that outside chance at the dogs? Save that, your wife will announce she’s pregnant on Tuesday, so you’ll have to start buying baby stuff. What? You lost it all on the Cheltenham races? Oooh, you in trouble now!!

• PISCES: Don’t cancel your plans to meet the guys Friday to save money, you do work hard and need a break. You can afford it if you collect all the loose change from the following places; The back of the couch (£5.68), your old jacket pockets (£4.23), the sink waste pipe (£2.25, but wear gloves), the car seat pockets (£6.34), inside the cat (£1.45, don’t ask) and the last book you read (‘Life of Pi’, £60.00, you used that cheque as a bookmark but gave up reading it half way through).

• CANCER: Al tha jobs U R applying 4? U wont get N E of them. This is coz u always rite in TXT speak wen u rite ur application letters, U berk! Wot U expect them to fink? U wudnt lik tha wud u? So u aint got no job. Soz. :(

• LEO: Your new business is not going to go well for the next few months, but it will turn around if you do as I say. What you do is buy a big advert in a local free satirical newspaper, and you’ll see a massive improvement in custom. Seriously, I can’t stress this enough. And tell all your friends and other business contacts, if they all buy ad space then maybe the guy who runs the paper will eventually pay the guy who writes the bloody horoscopes!!!

• VIRGO: Your new car, you are thinking about selling it and getting a cheaper one, but don’t bother. The car market isn’t good at the moment, and anyway it isn’t as thirsty as you think, your neighbour is siphoning off your petrol at night. And you’d save even more if you walked places now and again, which would save buying new clothes too as you might lose some weight.

• LIBRA: You know how you never have enough money to go out at night, but you can’t figure out where it’s going? Here’s a tip, you know how you go to Starbucks 5 times day and order a double-mocha-frappu-wappu-godknowswhataccino? That adds up to a hell of a lot! Have instant for once, or maybe a glass of water? That’s why nobody talks to you anymore, they don’t dislike you but when you speak people can only hear a high pitched buzzing noise.

• SCORPIO: Yeah, it’s been a while since you had a job, but hang on in there, it’ll come. I know you’re depressed, but it’ll be fine. You could always write to ‘Pat answers’ I suppose. I notice she gets paid for her crappy column but the ever popular horoscope guy gets squat. And she’ll do ‘anything’ for a can of Special Brew. Something suspicious there, me thinks? Hmm? Oh yes, it’s all becoming clear now.

• SAGITTARIUS: I’ll be honest mate, I know it’s all come crashing down around you in the last few months, I know you were worth millions and you’ve lost it all, I know you were used to the flash cars, loose women and champagne lifestyle, I know you used to feel repulsed by the working class folk and felt really smug when you screwed another bunch of trusting foke out of their hard earned cash, I know you could have had your pick of any of the trophy wives about, I know all that and as a result I’m not even going to try to help you. Ha ha! LOOOOOOSEEEERRRRRRR!

• CAPRICORN: Your mate Terry, he seems to be the only guy around with a ready supply of cash in these troubled times? What’s his secret? Well, he’s a drug dealer. Not a big one, but bad enough. How envious I mean disgusted by him are you? He’s not really a friend anyway is he, more of a friend of a friend, and if you turn him in you might get a reward! (You won’t)

• AQUARIUS: Seriously mate, I know times are hard, and you really are strapped, but just don’t go suing the local pub because you slipped in the bathroom and bruised a hip. Several reasons. 1. You weren’t working anyway, so no loss of earnings. 2. The floor was wet because you were too hammered to work the taps properly. 3. The pub would be forced to close for good if you win the case, and “Harry the Slasher” and the other regulars will know why, and then a bruised hip will be the least of your worries.

• GEMINI: Seriously mate, pay back what you owe to ‘Teds Loan Company’, or Ted will be forced to send his boys (Harry the Slasher and co., coincidentally) to extract it from you in kind. Yes, I am the same Ted. Why so shocked? A guy needs to make money somehow, and like I said, it’s not like I get paid anything for writing this guff.

MYSTIC [ CEDRIC’S :) ] ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Hang on, who’s this?” (Editor, The Cheek)

NOTE FROM CEDRIC: Coo-Eee! ‘Ello everyone, Edward is away in Tenby for his holidays at the moment, bless him. I’m his brother Cedric, I’m not quite as ‘Hot to Trot’ on the old Horoscopes as my big bruva, tee hee, but he’s left me in charge so I’m sure we’ll muddle through. So put your feet up, sit back, and enjoy. Kisses! (Ced x x)

• VIRGO: Aw, bless your little cotton socks. He’s gone and left you again, hasn’t he! No? Well, he will. But don’t worry, he’s not doing the dirty or anything, he just likes to get out from under your feet for a bit. And you do go on, luv, let’s be fair, no man could up with that level of agro and not go mad. I know you mean well, but you have a voice like Janet Street Porter eating a Parakeet.

• TAURUS: Well, look here mister clever - ‘I don’t need to worry because it will never happen to me’ – clogs, it will happen, it’s going to happen, and from what I can see here, it already has happened. Although that’s in the crystal ball, obviously. What? What am I on about? Well, I don’t see why I should tell you, it’s all your fault… what? … well, I suppose I could. Thing is, luv, you’re going to d- whoops, out of room!

• PISCES: Oooh, look now. Yes, luv, it looks lovely on you, and it will be lovely for Bernice’s wedding, but if you wait for a few weeks it’ll be half price in the summer sale. Just be there early, that cow Lauren has her eye on it too. Not that it would fit her, would be like throwing a tablecloth over a broken boiler.

• CANCER: Ha ha ha, oh bless. You know how Mr Haybright has been carrying on with Dyllis from behind the counter in the post office, well next week she’s going to find him in the sorting room with Julie the new sorting lady. Ooh, there’ll be hell to pay. Honestly, don’t know how Ted can stay away from this thing, better than my Soaps. Also luv, your Fridge is about to pack in… 3… 2… 1... There it goes.

• LEO: The reason, right, luv, that your eldest has been having such trouble at school… well, haven’t you wondered about him? Always in his room, never looks at women, loves strictly come dancing, is always dressed so immaculately, owns all of Elton John’s albums, you know what he is, right? That’s right, he’s a stereotype!

• ARIES: Listen, your mother, bless her heart, she’s not too well. I know she’s had turns in the past and always bounced back, but she’s nearly 80 now, and she can’t go on forever. You’ll have to accept it any time now, I know it’s hard, but you’re a grown man luv. Yes, it’s very difficult to come to terms with, but some time next week, the inevitable will happen. You’ll have to move out. And learn to do your own damn laundry!

• LIBRA: Now, here’s an interesting one. You’ve written a book, yes, well done luv, but you will get fifteen rejection letters next week. One letter, though, will be an acceptance letter, and they’ll offer to publish it, but say no as it’s just a scam. Don’t be surprised if it never gets published, bless you for trying but nobody wants to read a book about one man’s struggle against the Inland Revenue lost property department. You need more sleazy scenes and chisel jawed heroes for a start.

• SCORPIO: How many times do you need to be told! He’s gone over it a dozen times in the last two weeks! It’s not step-pivot-step-twirl-step-pivot-pivot, it’s step-twirl-pivot-dip-spin-dip-step-step-crouch-slide-turn-step-pivot-bow-jazz hands! You’ll need to have that learned by opening night, or the 6 people in the audience will be really upset.

• SAGITTARIUS: Ooh, I know this one. What you do is, right, you don’t use cooked rice, you use cold rice and heat it up, doesn’t stick so much. That way, he’ll be really impressed by your cooking and stay the night. You lucky thing you. But don’t get too smug, the food poisoning will mean nothing saucy gets to happen. And luv, seriously, I know money’s tight at the minute, but never buy raw chicken at a car-boot sale.

• CAPRICORN: Ooh, that accident you’re about to have looks nasty. Aw, is that a boo boo? Poor ickle thing, want uncle Cedric to kiss it better? You never know, it might help. Well it just might, ok? Fine, suit yourself. Ooh, look at me, so cocky, Mr “I’m a qualified Doctor” too good for me is he?

• AQUARIUS: Aw, poor luv. Looks like your holiday is ruined. You’ll only be there a day, but then you’ll find out that a younger sibling you left in charge of your work is ruining it, being all gossipy and unprofessional, it’s sad I know. And thing is… oh, hang on, there’s someone at the door… [click] Hello?… Ted! Why you back so early?... Oh, … oh God…. Help! Help!! HELP!!!!! Aaaaaaargh…. [Thud] OUCH! [Thud] [Thud]

• GEMINI: Oh for the love of God, what the hell has he done here? Don’t ever call your readers ‘Luv’, I told him a hundred times! I knew he would do this, I’m a sodding clairvoyant! Why’d I let him do it?! Well here’s a prediction for you. Pat, of ‘Pat Answers’? You’re a Gemini, I predict that tomorrow you’ll get a letter saying “I ruined my brother’s column and now he’s trying to kill me with a cricket bat; what do I do?” Believe me, I’ll make it happen!