TAM London Blog: No. 8 - Kirby your activism

(2.30 pm, 16^th October, TAM venue, Edgeware Road, London )

Hello again. Another massive break between blog reports about TAM London speakers where there was no actual break between the talks themselves. I feel like I'm introducing an element of discontinuity where there was none. In a way, this makes me like a very very low-key Time Lord. Interestingly, I live within a few minutes walk of a number of Doctor Who locations, and the official Doctor Who exhibition is in the cinema/restaurant complex down the road. You should go there some time, it's actually much smaller than it looks from the outside. It's a bit like and anti-TARDIS, in a way.

Anyway, back to the talks.

We were first treated to a quick talk by Karen James, who told us all about the ongoing Beagle project. It's a very inspirational project, which you can read all about in the links I just put down. Basically, it's a project to rebuild the famous Beagle, the ship that carried Charles Darwin across the world, and re-make the original journey, during which he invented evolution. I've always loved the way that, before Darwin, the world was only 6000 years old and everything that existed had always been that way and dinosaur bones were put there as a joke by a deity who, despite having infinite knowledge, infinite space and infinite power with which to put these things to good use, clearly has a low boredom threshold so amuses himself by burying the remains of monsters for the sole purpose of confusing some of his more curious apes.

Flippancy aside, it's a wonderful project and quite inspiring when you think about it. There was talk about an incident where an astronaut on the International Space Station voluntarily got involved and ended up speaking to a group of Brazilian School children. That's either an incredible account of the inspirational actions that people do in order to promote and further the wonder of Science, or the absolute mother of all wrong numbers. Either way is cool for me.

It's a great scheme, and I do think it's worth the time and effort that's being put into it. Although Karen did say that they were needing a £100,000 donation to complete all their aims. I genuinely expected the hat to be passed around at this point. It's a ridiculous sum to ask people to cough up at a moments notice, but then I was persistently surprised by how many people were able/willing to put up the £200+ entry fee for the conference. It was amazing that so many people were at the meeting, to be honest. Maybe that's why it's called that?

(Just a note, I also tweeted during the talk that I was surprised that the Beagle was docking in Pembrokeshire, seeing as they don't have evolution there. This was of course a stupid joke, as we all know that Pembrokeshire has lots of evolution; the place is riddled with Neanderthals)

The next talk was by Paula Kirby. This was one of the best talks, as far as I'm concerned, because it was simultaneously baffling, amusing and terrifying. It was essentially a run-down of the actions, aims and views of the UK Christian Party. They are, in the loosest sense of the word, a political party that wants to, um, further the values of Christianity in UK society. I say 'um' because, as someone raised in a nominally Christian environment, I don't recognise any of them. They include:

- Opposition to all forms of equality apart from those that favour devout Christians, which sort of undermines the whole concept of 'equality' when you think about it.

- Abolition of CCTV cameras and other forms of social control measures, and replacing them with bands of roving street Pastors (an idea which I actually quite like, as I'd want to see what happens when they have to 'control' a clash of Cardiff and Millwall football fans. Do the spiritually enlightening qualities of the Bible prevent it from causing damage when forcefully inserted into various orifices?)

- A complete crack down on teachers in general as they are somehow linked to the sexual corruption of children.

- Free speech for Christians only. And only 'proper' ones. None of these liberal types, they may as well be sodomising minors while smearing chocolate Koran's over their oiled torsos as far as the Christian party are concerned.

- The promotion of Christian love and compassion via the use of oppression and death (e.g. they support the death penalty and nuclear weapons, which makes sense when you consider that without the death penalty Christianity wouldn't exist, and a mushroom cloud does look slightly like a cross).

I don't really recognise this aspect of Christianity. Presumably it's based on the gospel according to Saint Psychopath. it seems that the Christian party has no chance of being elected, but the fact that they exist at all and seem to be entitled to respect and consideration is still a worrying fact. There was also some discussion of why the majority of Christians don't oppose or resist these despotic bastards, and why Christianity gets an easier ride of it in UK society than other religions. It was very interesting and thought provoking, to the point where I don't want to sully it by making crap jokes about it. Kudos Kirby, an exemplary talk from an interesting person.

The final part of this section, before lunch, was the panel discussion. This was delivered by the holy trinity of the skeptical society (inappropriate religious overtones very much intended), Dr Evan Harris, David Allen Green (a.k.a. Jack of Kent) and Dr Simon Singh. All the brief introductory talks they did were very good, but unfortunately I didn't see much of the discussion as I had to run outside and re-charge my iron-age Nokia to continue my twitter stream. It's a shame really, I doubt anyone was actually reading them but seeing as I had a press pass I felt duty bound to continue it. It was quite enjoyable, like the on-line equivalent of a tramp shouting in the street at cars; pointless but strangely cathartic.

I did learn several interesting things though. Dr Evan Harris really doesn't like singing, like he did at the Science is Vital rally (I was there, remember?), but this may have effectively combated the Science cuts. It's like a WMD, only to be used when absolutely necessary. David Allen Green showed us that, although lawyers are widely disliked and regarded as untrustworthy, if they have a Birmingham accent this completely offsets the clichés and makes them likable again.

Simon Singh is possibly one of the most respected and popular people in the scientific community. And rightly so. I'm biased of course, as he actually wanted to speak to me r.e. my Science is Vital talk and to offer me help with my scientific promotions. He also announced the launch of the Nightingale Collaboration, an organisation designed to help coordinate and streamline sceptical activism activities. Read about it, it's well good.

I was outside for this bit though, so missed most of it. Bet it was fun though. Then there was a coffee break. I've been to many conferences all across the country, and there appears to be one rule which unties them all; the coffee is always shit. It does the job though, and if you have to make enough coffee for nearly a thousand people in a very short space of time, quality is bound to suffer.

Unless this was a subtle reminder of how nonsensical homeopathic claims are? Seems a bit unnecessary though, seeing as how everyone there had forked out £200+ to be there. You wouldn't do that if you were still 'undecided', surely? But then maybe that's just me.

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

TAM London Blog: No. 5 – Black-Dawk down.

(8.50 AM, 16^th October, TAM venue, Edgeware Road, London )

Right, so, the event kicked off. We piled into the massive auditorium-type place. Well, we queued in an orderly fashion and politely sat down, as this was an early-morning talk about science, rationalism etc., not a Friday night football match between two rival teams with particularly enthusiastic but idiotic fans.

It was well good to find that the Amateur Transplants were providing some warm-up entertainment. I’m a big fan of these guys, and they returned throughout the day to provide sweary medical-based songs as entertainment. At one point I said they were like the TAM equivalent of the MS Office paperclip, only very welcome instead of annoying (It was evening and, more importantly, I was drunk when I tweeted that, so may have come across as me being a prick, but then I don’t need the filter of technology to achieve that).

So, after a few ditties from the AT’s (a lot of acronyms going on here, sorry about that but I have a lot to get through), the event proper began. I won’t be trying to explain or describe the songs, partly because I don’t really have the linguistic skills required to effectively describe music, partly because I’d prefer you to go out and investigate the AT’s yourself, and partly because that even if I was willing to hum or sing a few of their numbers to you, this would be meaningless in text.

Host for the event was Richard Wiseman, who is a professor of psychology. This is worth bearing in mind, as he kept repeating it during and after many of his frankly quite hilarious set pieces and joke bits. I imagine this was said to make the fact that he was clowning around even more intrinsically ridiculous, and for everyone else it no doubt did. But as someone who has worked very closely with high-ranking psychology professors, I’m aware that sanity on their part is a bonus at the best of times. No matter, he was one of the best and most ridiculously over-qualified MC’s I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen loads, you know.

We got a brief welcome talk from James Randi, who I think is a gnome. Granted, he is super-rational, founder of the JREF which was the organisation responsible for TAM, and has dedicated his life to the fighting of pseudoscience and other abuses of rationality and logic.

I don’t care, I still think he’s a gnome. He’s short, alarmingly spry despite his advanced age (82) has an amazing white beard, and does magic tricks; that’s a gnome by anyone’s definition, surely? I didn’t see a pointy hat, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. If I was trying to hide the fact that I was a gnome, I’d probably hide my hat and try to convince the human race to be rational and scientific too.

Not saying it’s a bad thing; if anything it’s awesome.

The first speaker proper was Susan Blackmore. I’d not heard much about her before, but the name rang a bell. Turns out she’s that psychologist woman with the mad hair. A very interesting talk was given by her, all about her previous days as an enthusiastic paranormal researcher, hell bent on obtaining empirical proof of the existence of ESP. It’s an interesting tale, not really mine to tell, but I did love the irony of the fact that her persistence and almost fanatical devotion to her goals meant she ended up doing dozens of well thought out and well designed experiments (of many variations), which, despite intense analysis, failed to produce any significant or useful results.

In short, her extreme desire to provide support for the pseudoscientific gave her the exact same experiences as any good scientist (and me) ends up having. See, it is a process, not a ‘belief’. Like respiration. Or cheese.

And she was followed by none other than Professor Richard Dawkins. A lot of people just say ‘Richard Dawkins’. I always include the ‘professor’ because it seems weird without it, especially having seen him in person now.

I learned a lot from Prof. Richard Dawkins, the militant atheist. For a start, I learned that militant actually means softly spoken and polite and reasonable and well-thought out and ever so slightly exasperated. You know, like a terrorist or something. He may have had an AK47 slung over his shoulder, but I think that would have spoiled the lining of his tweed jacket, so I doubt it.

His contention was that evolution as a subject should be taught as a new ‘classic’, as Latin and Greek were taught, under the argument that they gave you a well-rounded and useful set of skills with which to function in the real world. He said that the study of evolution offers this in a much more comprehensive (and genuinely useful) manner.

People say that Dawkins is a one-trick pony when it comes to evolution (Well, they’ve tweeted it to me, so I think that counts). In his defence, it does seem to be his area of interest/expertise, so I’m inclined to let him off on that one. He did make some mocking jokes about those educated in the classics. This could be seen as elitist, and maybe it is. It’s also fun, sorry to say. I’m sure it works both ways.

It was interested to find that there are two types of evolution, Neutral evolution, where most of the changes that occur on the molecular level are of little or no consequence (a controversial theory), and punctuated equilibrium, which believes that most of evolution occurs in small groups while the bulk of a species remains constant (also a controversial theory). Anything evolution-based is controversial, it seems.

He also used phrases like ‘if you mate with an animal’. It’s probably a holdover from enduring too many Welsh stereotypes, but that phrase caught my worried attention. I tried to figure out if it was a subtle dig at me, but I think that was just me being egomaniacally paranoid.

I think everyone thoroughly enjoyed Dawkins’ talk, a lot of people were clearly there to see him. I think that’s one of the alarming ironies about Dawkins; he engenders this unrelenting devotion to his views and people are often very unwilling to hear him criticised, which is much more akin to religious leaders and their kind. I don’t think he would like that, even if it did mean more book sales for him...

E-mail: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

TAM London Blog: No. 4 – And so it begins…

(8.10 AM, 16^th October, TAM venue, Edgeware Road, London )

I got up very early. 6.15am. This was so I could make it to the TAM venue by 7.30, as advised by the guy I spoke to yesterday who told me that this was advisable in order to beat the massive queues. So I was annoyed by the fact that, due to the tube system, I got there at 8.10 am. Wasn’t an issue though , seeing as the supposedly-insane queues turned out to be merely slightly-baffled queues. I just headed straight to the press desk and was given my pass. Actually, I was very nearly given Tim Minchin’s pass by mistake. I very nearly grabbed it and ran, to see if I could pass myself off as him, claiming that I look smaller/blonder/more musical/funnier/less bald/more Australian on camera. But it was not to be.

I turned around and, out of the thousand+ attendees to the event, was confronted by Rhys Morgan. And of course his parents, Mr and Mrs Rhys Morgan. Was good to see him there, but was slightly concerned that he would be disappointed when he discovered that, unlike in the Welsh Skeptic community, nobody there would really know what he had been up to, or even recognise him. It’s a hard lesson to discover that the community you aspire to be part of has no regard for you at all, but one we all have to learn.

While ascending to the 3^rd floor (‘where the coffee is’) I was confronted by Tahnee (@Ramblor on twitter) with the words ‘aren’t you the Welsh bloke?’ I said I was A Welsh Bloke, pretty sure it’s not just me who fits that description, but that was enough. We were friends now, so had someone to sit with in amongst this massive crowd of unknowns.

It’s a strangely British habit that dictated our actions next. On the way to the 3^rd floor, we noticed a big queue on the 1^st floor, so promptly joined it. We didn’t know what it was for, and it clearly wasn’t even moving, but we just unconsciously joined it. Why?

Turns out it was actually the queue to get into the main room, which wasn’t open yet. So we went and got coffee rather than spend the best part of an hour in a motionless queue of people who are basically just staring at a door.

But eventually we were allowed into the vast conference room, and the talks kicked off. Which means they started, there was no actual kicking (that I noticed).

Email: humourology(at)live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

TAM London Blog: No. 3 – Discoordination

(0.44 AM, 16^th October, High Barnet)

Am currently in the spare room of my in-law’s house in High Barnet. It’s nice here, even though they have recently acquired two cats which are very keen to go outside but are not yet fully vaccinated so aren’t allowed to do so. Cats, it turns out, get a bit stir crazy in such circumstances and express themselves by running around a lot and making odd noises, with occasional forays into rooms where people are sleeping.

This is by the by. I went to the TAM London venue earlier, to register and avoid the insane cues that usually occur on the Saturday morning. I, however, am here due to a variety of insane circumstances which led to me being awarded a press pass. Press passes, however, were not being issued on the Friday evening. Hence, I made my way to the venue for no real reason.

It wasn’t total loss, as while walking in I passed a large group of people waiting by the entrance to the hotel. They were smartly dressed and flanked by hotel staff (couriers, bell boys etc.). Clearly, they were waiting for someone important. It obviously wasn’t me, but I waved and nodded at them anyway, just in case I was more popular in London than I was aware of.

I’m not, as it happens. But no matter, it was worth it just to see their confused expressions.

It’s a big venue, the Hilton where TAM is happening. I got lost a few times, but was saved each time by using the ‘follow the bunch of people who are clearly the sort of people who would go to an event like TAM’ startegy. Got me there in the end.

I could have coordinated with other TAM attendees and met up with them, but instead I wandered across town to meet my old mate Nick Phillips, of Horse and Louis fame. While heading towards an acceptable watering hole, we passed someone who recognised us and said they were a big fan of mine. That’s two people who’ve said that now.

I think that’s all of them.

E-mail: humourology(at)live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

TAM London Blog: No. 2 - Busman’s holiday

(6:18pm, 15^th October, Victoria Station)

I’m sat in a coffee shop in London, on my own, working on my laptop. I have become everything I hate. I’m sorely tempted to paint a big glowing apple on it, just to blend in.

My mood has not been helped by the fact that I’ve just spent close to 4 hours on an obscenely cramped bus in order to get to London. Again. This is the 3^rd time I’ve made this journey in 6 days. Firstly, I had to come on Saturday last to talk at the Science is Vital rally. That day was a 2-way trip on the glorious Megabus. Then on Monday my wife, who has been preparing for her trip to India for nearly a month, calls me from London at 10.30 at night to say she’s forgotten her Visa, and her flight was 12pm the next day. Cue some urgent last-minute driving that night, and the next morning. And now I’ve just made the jaunt via National Express.

Weirdly, the Megabus was better. The National Express coach was full, which made it a bit more uncomfortable, but the seats offered as much space as a budget coffin (trust me, I speak from experience) and the mandatory seatbelts threatened to cut off circulation to various parts of my torso. And of course it was Friday afternoon, so there was a bonus 40 minutes added to the journey, at no extra charge. Classy.

And of course, once we arrived at the bus depot, we had an extra 5 mins to wait. Some guy had decided the best place to offload his bags would be RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD AT THE ENTRANCE TO A BUSY BUS DEPOT. Maybe there was a really good reason for it, admittedly. Plus it was fair enough that he moved his many many bags one at a time as he was talking on the phone at the time. You’re right, he shouldn’t have had to put his phone away for 2 minutes, it would be unfair for him to inconvenienced like that. I mean there only 60+ exhausted people on a coach waiting for him to move. It can’t have been anything important, the guy was clearly an idiot! What information could he have had that required urgent relaying? Dick.

Anyway, am in London now, about to go and register at TAM London. I give it 50/50 odds that they’ve even heard of me, so this may be a very short series of blogs indeed.

Apologies in advance to anyone I know in either the real or online world whom I meet this evening, there’s a good chance I’ll come across as a lot more hostile than I actually am.

I’m very sorry, I don’t travel well. I travel repeatedly even less well.

E-mail: humourology(at)live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

TAM London Blog: No. 1 - TAM-A-Gotcha!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Why are you still awake? (delete as appropriate).

This Blog is a bit of a special one, for a few reasons.

Firstly, this is my first blog written as an actual, fully qualified no-going-back Doctor of Neuroscience, rather than a 'you can say you are one as long as it's not for anything official' Doctor of Neuroscience. The latter is what I have been for 11 MONTHS! That's nearly a year, for those of you with different calenders. The normal turnaround time is 12 weeks. Not Months. Weeks. However, my examiners decided my thesis was 'too concise'. In other words, I didn't put enough meaningless waffle or conjecture in it.

Those of you who read this blog regularly are probably having trouble believing the claim that something I wrote would be insufficiently long winded. And you'd be right. My original draft was much bigger than that submitted, but my supervisors (both Professors, both extremely highly respected and experienced in the field, and both deserving of actual decent PhD students rather than dross) recognised my witterings for what they were (i.e. pointless babble) and told me to take it out.

My examiners felt otherwise and said I had to put the waffle back in. Well, they said it needed to be 'longer with a greater degree of discussion about all results and experiments, not just those with a useful outcome'. Odd that they would want more information about things that have no scientific merit, my guess is that they're secretly climate-change deniers.

Anyway, I was given an extra year to do my corrections, rather than the standard 12 weeks. I did them in 12 weeks anyway, because that's the kind of guy I am. I duly sent them back in, and waited.

And waited

And waited.

And waited.

They finally replied. They wanted more corrections. Turns out the corrected corrections weren't correct enough. So I did those as well, even a lot of them were corrections which were actually made the first time round but not noticed, it seems.

More waiting.

Now it's done. I'm one of them doctors now, for real. I've been able to say I'm a doctor since my Viva, last November (LAST! NOVEMBER!), but not on anything official, like passports, bank cards. just unimportant things that most people wouldn't see, e.g. Business cards. And blogs.

But anyway, to celebrate the occasion, here's a little announcement. It's not so much a revelation of a closely guarded secret as something I've forgotten to mention before now. But anyway, here it is.

For the next few days, I will be tweeting/blogging live from The Amazing Meeting, TAM London.

This is a very prestigious and high-profile event, which features the cream of the skeptic and scientific communities from both sides of the Atlantic. Check out the website for full details.

A lot of people will no doubt be reporting from this. For example, the official Blogger is Martin Robbins of the Lay Scientist, reporting for the Guardian, and there will no doubt be many others. Look them up.

I'm unlikely to provide any reports from the event which will be insightful, thought provoking or inspiring. Odds are, it'll mostly be just me taking the piss, albeit inadvertently. I'm not a professional reporter or journalists, but on the other hand I can't be sacked from doing this blog, so hopefully I can make it more amusing than others, as I have the freedom to do so.

The thing is, I'm still not really sure what TAM is. It's obviously a meeting/conference of some sort, but to what end? Is there an opportunity for Q&A? DO you have to pick which talk you're going to, like at some of the conferences I've been to? Or does everyone sit there and watch, like some obscenely long stand-up gig?

Then there's the ethos of the thing. A lot of people are going, and everyone's very excited about it, saying it's the best thing ever and no mistake. Other people site the expense and say it's a bit elitist, a bit pointless, just a massive back-slapping session for smug rationalists. I'm paraphrasing there, but that's the gist of it as far as I can make out.

I have no idea which it is, but I'm going to assume it's very good, because I can be optimistic on occasion. However, if TAM London does turn out to be some celebration of smugness as some claim, then I shall make it my mission to be the first person forcibly thrown out of it. How so? Well, my preferred method is the 'accidental upset' technique. There are many famous people who are scheduled to speak, and every chance our paths will cross. How offensive can I get without them actually taking offence? It's quite a gamble at TAM, or TAMble if you like. So, should the opportunity arise, I will endeavour to say the following questions to the skeptic illuminati.

Feel free to do the same if you're there and fancy a TAMble of your own.

RICHARD DAWKINS/P.Z. MYERS:

- Which one are you the Pope of again?

- If evolution is true, how come people don't have wings? *

- Would you like to come to my child's christening when I have one?

- Don't worry about it, a lot of people didn't like Jesus in his time either.

- Will you sign my Koran?

BEN GOLDACRE:

- How come Gillian McKeith makes more money than you?

- Do you use Loreal?

- I saw you drinking water just now, I thought you didn't believe in Homeopathy!

- My friend said he went to university with you. He doesn't like you, but wouldn't say why*

- Will you sign my Koran?

STEPHEN FRY:

- Aren't you the guy who was in the lift that time?

- Interesting talk. Are you on twitter, by any chance?

- I really liked your book, can I get you to sign a copy? I don't have it with me, it was a library book, can you just sign one and send it to me?

- You're such a British icon, would you consider campaigning for the BNP?

- I enjoyed that debate you did about Catholicism with that Widdicombe bloke. I sensed a spark, is there something going on between you two?

- You're bigger than you look in 'House'.

- Will you sign my Koran?

GRAHAM LINEHAN:

- I like your tweets, they're funny. Have you considered writing comedy?

- How come they stopped making Father Ted? Was it the child molesting thing?

- You're my second favourite funny person after Peter Kay.

- Will you sign my copy of Flanimals?

JAMES RANDI:

- If I accurately predict that you won't give me £1,000,000, can I have it?

- This event is the result of your foundation isn't it? Do I give my expenses form to you?

- Will you sign my Koran?

ALAN MOORE:

- Loved you in Lord of the Rings.

- Which move adaptation of your work is your favourite?

- You were in the Simpsons that time. Why?**

- I think you should be ashamed of yourself for ripping off X-Men like that.

- Will you sign my Koran?

I give myself 3 hours, tops.

So yeah, follow my exploits here, on Twitter, and those of everyone else using the hashtag #TAMLondon. Speak soon.

* People have genuinely said this to me

** I genuinely want to know this.

Email: Humourology (at) live.com

Twitter: @garwboy