"Dear Cheap Viagra, from Science" (No. 22)

Just received another rejection for a job I really hoped to get, so somebody somewhere has to bare the brunt of my rage. The worst part of it is that the complete inability to change the situation leaves me feeling frustratingly impotent. So what a good time to get a relevant spammer on my blog...

"Dear Cheap Viagra

Hello. I notice you've been leaving quite a few comments on my previous letters. I'd like to say thanks for the feedback, but that would be dishonest of me as I'm not particularly grateful. In all honesty I can't think up a genuine response any more pleasant than 'I sincerely hope you die a hideous slow death in a ditch filled with the unspeakable fluids that the products you keep trying to sell would (if they worked) inevitably end up producing', and that seems a bit long winded if nothing else.

Seriously, is this the best way you can think of of flogging your merchandise? Posting unsolicited comments on a relatively unknown blogs? As the personification of an anthropomorphic concept that usually writes to other anthropomorphic concepts, I can't even be said to be male, let alone be in possession of a set of male genitals which are presently experiencing an inability to perform their primary function.

I can't say the same for anyone who reads this, but as I tend to write these for the benefit of the scientific community there's a good chance that it's true for them too.

Of course I jest. It's been proven many times that scientists are the best possible lovers in both a physical and mental sense, and therefore would never need any erectile-dysfunction medication, so either way you're wasting your time.

I am starting to wonder if all those emails I keep getting are from you as well? Do spammers have rivals like real businesses do? Or are you just one sad man with an inability to spell, sat at home in front a computer in a house filled to the rafters with bottles of non-brand name 'viagra' tablets which you obtained as a result of a massive clerical error on the part of an industrial delivery company? I like this possibility, as it make me thing that somewhere there's a pharmaceutical warehouse which just contains a used computer desk and an inflatable sex toy with your name on them.

Seriously, do you ever sell anything? And what is it you're actually selling? My first theory is that you're selling basically worthless tablets which contain no useful active components, and are flogging them to gullible people in the hope that the placebo effect alone will make them 'work'. If this is what you're doing, you've got a long way to go if you're going to rival the experts at this method.

Interesting side note, I've not come across any homeopathic treatments for erectile dysfunction, but surely there is such a thing? Given their 'like treats like' belief, it's probably something like a pill with the barest hint of lager (6 pints minimum), or maybe just highly diluted pictures of Gillian McKeith?

But if you are selling dud pills, I can't officially condone that. Unofficially however, despite my complete adherence to the principle of evidence based medicine, I'm willing to turn a blind eye to this, largely because the sort of person who would purchase 'viagra' from an internet spammer is exactly the sort of person who would be better off not reproducing. I can bring myself to tolerate your actions by classifying you as an agent of Darwin, so that's ok.

However, I am willing to acknowledge the possibility that you are in fact some sort of rogue pharmaceutical company, willing to produce genuine medications but selling them at rock bottom prices in an effort to topple the monopoly of the big Pharma companies. Sort of like a 'Wikidrugs' thing. If this was the case, I would understand the need for less conventional means of marketing, what with having to stay unnoticed by the 'Big Boys'.

Were this the case, I would be tempted to applaud your actions, except for one thing; WHY DO YOU ONLY SELL VIAGRA!? Seriously, you have the means to manufacture and produce high quantities of effective medicines and you think the main health issue facing society is 'not enough erections'? You could be getting generic antihistamines, anticoagulants, antibiotics etc. to people who need them! (And that's just the anti- medications).

But no, before all the sick people who can't afford the vital medicine they need can be catered for, men must be able to have erections! Not just impotent ones, but all men who may have even the slightest concern about their sexual prowess (which is all men, except the ones who are scientists of course).

Is it wise to flog powerful pills which have drastic effects on blood pressure and flow and exert an accompanying demand on the heart? And that's just the men, apparently it's even worse for women. Why would you want to reduce the act of physical union to something akin to those water-filled nodding head bird things? Just sterile repetitive motion that seems fun at first but quickly becomes tedious and pointless.

So, stop leaving me comments. And if you are producing genuine medicines, for God's sake (or the sake of the fictional deity of your choice) branch out a bit. Hay-fever remedies alone would sell well, surely, stop thinking with and about the penis.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

e-mail: humourology(at) live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy