Monday, 22 September 2008

Some satire, which may be offensive, I'm not sure.

The Cheek - Cardiff's Free Satire Publication

A quick break from Science. The legendary Gareth Baker appears to have set up a free satirical publication for the residents of Cardiff. Check the website above. It features my horoscopes (See previous blogs) which may become a regular feature. Anyway, for the next issue, I've submitted a satirical piece about racism. It may be offensive, but I don't think so. But let me know what you think.



Recent research has shown that gormless but loveable Conservative idiot, Boris Johnson, has had a devastating effect on Britain’s racists, despite being a massively privileged right wing bigot himself. Groups from all parts of the racist spectrum, from Neo-Nazis to Daily Mail readers to ‘The alliance of people who start every sentence with “I’m not racist but…”’, have all been inadvertently undermined since Johnson’s appointment as the mayor of London.

A spokesman for the far right group “Hitler Wos Rite” (HWR) has been quoted as saying Boris Johnson was ‘a disgrace to the master race’. HWR follow the ethos of diminutive Austrian warmonger Adolf Hitler, whose theories on Eugenics stated that blond haired, blue eyed people were physically and mentally superior to all other races. However, Boris Johnson’s existence as floppy overweight idiot has provided damning evidence for these beliefs, and the far right groups that support them have thus far been unable to resolve this dilemma, with their usual tactic of blaming immigrants or different ethnic groups proving non-viable as Johnson has never met such people.

People who practice more subtle forms of racism have also been restricted by Boris Johnson. Snide comments about stupid Americans voting for idiots fell by an incredible 68% since the London mayoral elections, whereas the overall smugness of Londoners dropped to it’s lowest recorded level since the collapse of the British Empire.

Other casual racists, largely those who object to people ‘coming over here’, were left reeling by Johnson’s actions at the recent Olympic handover ceremony in Beijing. Known racist, Mr Derek Groatbag of Kent, said “I couldn’t believe it; We all thought Boris would kick all the freeloading buggers into the streets, but then he goes over there to bloody foreignerland, practically kisses their feet and basically invites every shifty swine in the World to come over here and have a gawp at our women, where will it end!?!” before berating the Polish builders constructing his 3rd extension for getting cement powder on his BMW.

However, Mr. E. Nock Powell, coordinator of the UK Racism Preservation society, believes Boris Johnson’s damage to UK racism is more symptomatic of a global racism-crunch. “These are very bad times for racism as a whole. The War in Iraq has convinced people that pointless violence towards brown people is unacceptable, whereas the most recent champions of racism have actually done more damage to the cause than good. Boris Johnson portrays all Tories as harmless clowns, rather than the malicious rodent-like grasping bigots we know they are, whereas the only decent display of racism of late was that of Jade Goody, who is a figure of widespread ridicule and derision. Attempts to distance her form the cause of racism by claiming she’s ‘not racist, just stupid’ backfired, as most people know the average I.Q. of a racist is about 12. This problem has been greatly compounded by the current US presidential election, with the unprecedented existence of a black candidate who is generally considered by everyone to be ‘the clever one’. If current trends continue, we could see racists wiped out by 2060”.

Evidence suggests that the situation for racism is critical, with Boris Johnson’s blunderings only the latest in a series of disasters for racists in general. Recent support for the Tory party shows that those loyal to the cause are rallying, but it’s possible that this may just be the death rattle for UK racism. The Labour Party are currently at a disadvantage, but recently leaked plans for an upcoming poster campaign featuring just a picture of Margaret Thatcher with the words “You want more of this?” is predicted to destroy the Conservative lead. An upcoming Tory campaign featuring pictures of David Cameron is predicted to be ineffective, as nobody can actually remember what he looks like.

Due to the current crisis, The UK Racism Preservation Society is organising a TV fundraiser, to be hosted by Richard Littlejohn and Jo O’Meara and featuring performances by Jim Davidson, Paul Daniels and Patrick Kielty, with repeats of Celebrity Big Brother, Love thy Neighbour and The Nuremberg Address (To be shown on Granada Men and Motors, Tuesday 11th November at 4am)

So there you go. Also, for those of you that are interested, I have a number of Science/Comedy events coming up. If you'd like more details of these add me on facebook or myspace. Or I'll just write them here, to be honest.

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