Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Dr Who vs Gillian McKeith

Remember when McKeith was stripped of her 'Doctor' title?

I enjoyed that, very satisfying read. Knowing her history, I wrote another spoof article about how she might react. I submitted it to The Cheek, but might not get in. So here it is for you all.


Health Food Witch Gillian McKeith’s Plans to Sue

BBC Wales could face severe legal costs if a court action lodged today by pseudoscientific health food guru Gillian McKeith is successful. McKeith, who was recently banned from calling herself doctor on grounds of false advertising, is said to still be bitter about the affair, and in a severe case of sour grapes has decided to lodge a similar complaint of her own. McKeith declined all requests for an interview or statement, but unofficial sources leaked a recording of a recent conversation to the Cheek, in which McKeith was heard to state the following;

“I dinnae knae why I hav’tae purr up wie all this shi’, I bought ma doctorate fair an’ square for 5 bob anna can’a Tenants, you knae how much tha’s wurth back in Scotland? Bluddy loads I tell ya, me ma saved forra twelve month to make that much, and if the jessie’s think a’hm gonna tek this lying doon they’ve gorra ‘nother thing comin’. Now show us ya Poo! Ya fat bassa’s!”

McKeith has a history of pursuing legal action against anyone who dares to question or criticise her nonsensical claims, prompting many to theorise that she also exchanged her sense of humour for her worthless PhD, as well as the nominal sum of money. Since being stripped of her ‘doctor’ title on advertising grounds, McKeith is now attempting to extend this ruling to the iconic BBC sci-fi hero, Doctor Who, whose series is currently made and distributed by BBC Wales. Despite the undeniably petty and small minded nature of the court case, BBC bosses are worried that McKeith’s claims could be legally valid.

EU law states that anyone calling themselves a doctor ‘must have a medical degree or PhD from an accredited university’, whereas Dr. Who has neither. If McKeith’s claims are upheld, the BBC could face massive losses. As well as paying McKeith’s legal expenses, the word ‘Doctor’ will have to be removed from all previous episodes of the series, as well as all associated media and merchandise, which would cost at least £7.8 million. This would also cause further problems as the character has no other name, so the loss of the title ‘Doctor’ would render him essentially anonymous. Suggested alternative names such as ‘Time Man’, ‘Mr. Tardis’ and ‘Superclever space alien who looks human but isn’t really’ have so far been ruled out.

However, support from the extensive community of Doctor Who fans could prove effective in getting the case dropped. The moderator of one fansite, www.drwhoisbetterthansexiassume.co.uk, was willing to be interviewed (via MSN) and put forward the following arguments;

I mean, its stupid! The Doctor dusnt hav 2 ave a phD to be a Dr. Hes THE doctor, and he actually mite even ave a pHd. Hes from Gallifrey, a planet in the constellation of Kasterborous, I don’t think EU law applies to there, and even if it did, theyd ave to check that they ave proper Universities and that, and that will take 1000s of years without a spaceship, like ;). Gillian McKeith is well dodgy, well all burn her house down if she starts. Well go totally Cyberman on her asre >”.

Legal experts also point out that Dr. Who has never claimed to be a real doctor, and only offers enjoyable TV viewing and cheap plastic tat to cash in, rather than supplements and ‘medicines’ which could actually kill someone. It is believed that a potential Jury may also be influenced by the fact that Doctor Who has selflessly saved the world dozens of times, whereas McKeith has done little more than sell placebo’s to unaware customers and shout at fat people for having unpleasant smelling stools. The prosecution may argue that Doctor Who has never actually done those things as he doesn’t exist, but this would be likely undermine their own case further, as it emphasises that McKeith actually does the things she’s accused of.

Whatever the outcome of this case, the bramble-eating harridan is still pursuing her vendetta, with similar cases being brought against briefly popular DJ Dr. Fox, and Carl Kennedy from Neighbours. Her case against rap mogul Dr. Dre was dropped when 3 of McKeith’s lawyers were gunned down in a drive by just outside Knightsbridge, London.

So there we go. I enjoyed it, hope you did. Normal Science commentary will resume shortly with an in-depth analysis of the logic behind he claim that 'The Moon Landings were faked', as per Rhumba's request.



deepmike said...

As a Sci-Fi pedant I feel obliged to point out that the title of the programme is 'Doctor Who?' but the Timelord himself is only ever referred to as 'The Doctor'. I appreciate that this still amounts to an unsubstantiated claim to be a Doctor, but he never claims to be Doctor Who. If I may paraphrase the Gospels,
Rabbi/Dean 'You claim to be the Son of God/Doctor Who?'
Jesus/The Doctor 'You have called me that.'

Dean Burnett, Neuroscientist said...

A valid point, one that is covered by the section whereby The Doctor would be left nameless by a successfull removal of his doctor title. Dr. Who is the official title of the show, so that's what would have to be altered in such a court case. Of course, to be completely thorough, legal action may have to be pursued against each individual actor, what with Tennant being the 10th doctor.

dave_hullo said...

He wouldn't be nameless. He would just be called, The. Which admittedly would be dull.

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