Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Fresh Faced Filth!

Condoms Cure Spots!

I know I said I'd cut back on the blogs, but how could anyone ignore this beauty? Cambodian women have discovered that condom lubricant cures acne. So many possibilities...

First and foremost, who discovered that? We all know how condoms work (and if you don't I'm not going to tell you), and they should rarely, if ever, come into contact with someones face, let alone repeatedly over a period of 3-4 days. Seriously, how did this happen? I've heard that sometimes guys use the phrase 'it's good for the skin' as an excuse for certain acts that slightly nauseate me, but I've never heard of any women taking it so seriously.
The article isn't a BBC science one, so is far less factually enriched. No way of knowing how this happens, or if it's just overblown anecdotal evidence. I suppose some chemical in the lubricant could act as a vasoconstrictor, closing the vessels that make spots so prominent so they eventually disappear, but this seems unlikely given that they're designed to cover an organ that depends on high level of blood flowing in order to do its job (if anyone made a mental link to menstruation, what is wrong with you?)
So truth be told, I don't know how/why this works, but apparently it does. It seems quite a widespread phenomenon, according to the article. I wondered why we hadn't heard of it before now, thinking maybe Clearasil and companies like them have hushed it up, what with condoms being free at most clinics, and medicated scrubs costing nearly £5 a bottle. But maybe it's more simple, maybe we just don't pay enough attention to Africa, purely to annoy Geldof and Bono as much as anything.
How come nobody's discovered the effect in this country? Well, as someone who did suffer from Bad Acne, those who have it rarely come into contact with condoms, what with it making you quite unappealing to the opposite sex (not sure if that's true with same sex relationships, if you're fine with the fact that the person is the same gender as you, what do a few zits matter?). So the circumstances where such a discovery could be made are quite rare.
I don't like condoms. I fully agree with their use and support what they do and have no problem using them (Screw you Pope!) but I've had a few bad experiences with them. Again, not in the standard 'oh God, it didn't work' type problem people get with condoms, but more psychological.
It's hard to confess this, but here goes; My first condoms were bought for me (quite bad), at age 18 (worse) . . . . . . by my Gran (I know, there is no worse). I didn't ask her to, by the way. I was just packing for University at home and she came in with a 'present' for me. Of course it was mortifyingly embarrassing, but with hindsight she may have been a lot cleverer than I thought.
One the rare occasions when I got a lady back to my place, things heated up and she mentioned 'protection', I would immediately think of my Gran. And let me say, if you can maintain a state of arousal while thinking of your own grandmother, you should get some serious help. My Gran forced her old-fashioned values on me by the power of negative associative learning. She may be a genius.
I eventually threw the condoms away because they expired. Thus completing a quadrilogy of embarrassment.
I did know a guy once who used to buy chocolate flavoured condoms because, quote, 'Girls love chocolate'. I did try to tell him that I've never met a woman stupid enough to believe what he would offer her was actually chocolate, and even if she did, most women, when they put chocolate in their mouths, chew it. And that's the worst possible outcome.

This is probably my smuttiest post ever, yet still quite scientific. Not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of myself.


Leighsus Christ said...

Cue loads of embarrassed teenagers in Boots: "Errr... it's not for sex... honest..."

Anonymous said...

Be proud Dean,

I never went to university and my gran never bought me any condoms.However,she did help me put 'em on and take 'em off.


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