Mystic Ted, the latest edtions

Some of you may know that I write the Horoscopes for free Cardiff satirical publication 'The Cheek'. I write as Mystic Ted, who cuts all the vague crap from horoscopes and is unflinchingly honest in his predictions, just to make a mockery of the whole thing. Here's the latest ones for those of you who don't live in North or Central Cardiff (where it's distributed). And if you have read it, these are the unedited versions, so there may be something in there you didn't get to see.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“So accurate that it’s quite unsettling” (Camarthen Bugle)

• ARIES: It’s 11.56pm, I just got home from the pub and I’ve got to have this done by tomorrow morning. I’m tired. But that job you want? You won’t get it. No real reason, but you do sweat a lot in interviews, it’s quite rank to be honest. Everyone in your current job calls you ‘Lord of the sweat-rings’, so no wonder you want to leave.

• TAURUS: Look, right, just because your mother says she left her coat on the bus, doesn’t mean she did. She probably sold it to buy fags, it wouldn’t be the first time. Yeah, I’m saying she’s a liar. That’s right, and what you gonna do about it? Want to take this outside? Yeah? Yeah! YEAH? YEAH! C’MON THEN!

• PISCES: Stay away from anyone who’s a Taurus, you can’t trust them. Say one thing and they come at you, swinging bottles and all that and all I said was his mother’s a liar, honestly officer, he started it… what? Oh, right, yeah, horororoscopes, them things. Umm.. Gemini… oh, God I just had it.. oh yeah, your new baby isn’t yours.

• CANCER: Alright? Yeah, me too. No actually, had a bit to drink, feel a bit worse for wear now, but I’m fine, I’m fine to drive, or what is it? Predict stuff, yeah I can do that. Hey, you know that one night stand you had all those months ago? Well, she was married, and she’s just had a baby. And it’s ginger. Bad luck man, but don’t shoot the messenger.

• LEO: Oh for the love of… what is with that sodding paper-clip? No, I don’t want to write a letter, exit… c’mon, I pressed the little cross bit, why are you still here… did it just wink at me? Why does a stupid office tool thing fancy me? How does that happen? Oh sh – Leo’s! Horrosoaps, yes, them… Um… you need stamps!

• VIRGO: Iss weird in it! Virgo, like, that means virgin, and your not one! So, like it’s all a big con or something! Like, I’ve never met a Leo who was actually a Lion, or a Libra who was a weighing scales or anything, so what’s that all about? Y’know? Iss like… iss like… when your mother tells you there’s a tooth fairy, but it doesn’t matter anyway because your dad just takes your tooth money to buy white cider… you have a rash, change your washing powder, get something that doesn’t have a blue stripe on it for once, cheap sod.

• LIBRA: Libras, like, you’re the good guys. Bloody good boys, and girls, all my best mates are Libras, except the ones who are Virgos, or something else. Not Taurus’s though, can’t stand that lot. So because you’re so much my best mates, here’s a tip. The 2.20 at Chepstow, bet all your money on ‘Saucy Phil’, at 55 to 1. You won’t win, but you’ll learn not to gamble.

• SCORPIO: Wow, your life is great. Really, like, cool. If you go to the corner shop tomorrow, and buy a scratch card, right (the blue ones with pirates on, third lot down from the top), you’ll win £200,000. That’s loads of money, and you should give half of it to a destitute horoscope writer who’s going through a painful divorce because his wife’s a filthy Pisces who got knocked up by a rotten Cancer.

• SAGITTARIUS: Oh God alive, your so dull. If your life ever flashed before your eyes it would be, like, half as exciting as your average screensaver. Just read one of the above horoscopes and pretend it’s yours, I can’t be bothered.

• CAPRICORN: I don’t care, you selfish git, my wife left me, did I mention that? Actually I threw her out, it isn’t my baby, it’s some guy who’s a Cancer and I don’t care. She can have the house, I don’t want it, I’ll find my own place. Actually, when your washing machine breaks down next week and you buy a new one, can I have the old one? I can fix it, I know a guy.

• AQUARIUS: I love that old song, yeah… “And we were SINGING! Hymns and ARRias.. Land OF mY FatheRS, ah DO BE DOOOOO! Yeah!” WOOOOO! I don’t need her, all I need is an 8 pack and I’m happy! Who needs em eh? Not me! And clean out your hamster’s cage, it’s not hibernating, it’s dead!

• GEMINI: …She’ll take me back, she needs me. Although I threw her out, so I’ll take her back if she wants me, I mean, y’know, it’s all good, every marriage has it’s rocky patch, and she’s not even pregnant, just fat, and I didn’t have the guts to tell her. She’s got guts, loads, she’s well fat. Maybe I should stop saying stuff like that? You’re wife’s fat too, she hides scotch eggs in her hand bag. But don’t worry, she’ll get food poisoning in a fortnight, that’ll straighten her out…… G’night…..

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Show’s blatant disregard for the laws of causality” (Prof. Hymen Brown)

(NOTE FROM TED: I did these when I was hung over so I had my crystal ball facing the wrong way. This means I’ve predicted the past. I know this makes no sense, but I’m not writing them again, so deal with it)

• VIRGO: When you and Grog and Mog leave the cave to go hunting tomorrow, don’t follow the first trail you find. It is a big deer, but it’s also being stalked by a Sabre-tooth tiger, and if you cross paths only you will make it back to the cave alive, and even that will be difficult what with you having no legs left.

• TAURUS: I seriously advise you not to go on that parade in Dallas tomorrow. Or if you do, at least use a car with a roof. Or wear a helmet or something. Well, remember to bend over and re-tie your shoe whenever you pass a grassy knoll or book store. Fine! Do what you like! Last time I try and do a Yank a favour.

• PISCES: I know it contradicts the maps, compass, star charts etc., but when you pass the coast of South Africa, stay with the wind and turn to Port. No, you won’t make it to India any quicker, or at all in fact, but you’ll be more famous for it. And those red people you meet when you eventually hit land, they’re NOT Indians. Try and remember that, although I know you won’t.

• CANCER: I know it’s been going well for you and your army, and it is impressive to have a million soldiers in your day and age, but those 300 Spartans you’ll come across tomorrow, blocking off the pass through the mountains, you might want to leave them alone. Seriously, they’re more trouble than they’re worth, and there’ll be movies about it in 3000 years time if you don’t. What’s a movie? Ah forget it…

• LEO: Look, I know it goes against everything your mother taught you, and it’s probably why you don’t have a girlfriend and I know it’s your new-years resolution to be more tidy, but listen to me when I say this; DO NOT WASH THOSE PLATES MR FLEMING! Millions of people will be very grateful.

• ARIES: Listen mate, forget what all your teachers say, and forget about your own doubts, your paintings are well good and you really should stick with art school, it’s your true calling in life. Seriously, you’ll be a big success, get all the fame and buy yourself a nice little place in the Austrian countryside. No, I’m not lying, why would I do that? Seriously, I’m not! Fine, nuts to you, why don’t you just grow a stupid ‘tache and join the Germany army! … … Hello? …Hello? ... Oops…

• LIBRA: Yay, verily, and forsooth in the name of thine own merry nuncle, but for when thy portly magistrate doth attend the royal banquet on the coming midsummers eve, remain on thy toes for fear of incurring the wrath of the courts when a humble jester is found cavorting with the chamber-maid of the magistrates comely daughter and finds himself whisked to the tower to await punishment most foul (and you guys talk like this all the time? Barking mad, all of you)

• SCORPIO: You know that bomb shelter you had built underneath your garden? And you know how you equipped it with a water purifier, hi-tech generators, heating etc? And you know how you’ve stocked it with enough food and resources to last a decade? And you know how you did all this to prepare for the Y2K virus, or ‘millennium bug’ as you call it? You’ve really wasted your money.

• SAGGITARIUS: As hard as it may seem to do, I’d strongly advise you to cancel your trip. Although you’ve saved up for years to go, believe me when I say it’s best if you don’t. Granted you’ll lose the deposit, but at least that’s all you’ll lose. It won’t go well, trust me. All I’ll say is, I know they say it’s ‘unsinkable’, but do you really think they’ve bothered testing that claim?

• CAPRICORN: What day is it? Really? Damn, two days too late. You know that band you turned down for your record company on Monday? The Liverpool boys with floppy hair, you said they were like a quartet of particularly talentless mops? It turns out you’re an idiot.

• AQUARIUS: Your new play will be widely regarded as your finest work, and possibly the greatest theatre piece of all time, so well done there. Just one thing though; the title. You might want to re-think it, name it something short, maybe after the main character, rather than ‘Super-slaughter in Demented Denmark Death Drama’, or your other idea ‘everyone dies and nobody wins because life is cruel in Denmark’, neither will work. And lay off the Absinthe!

• GEMINI: I know it’s hard work avoiding that T-rex day after day, but believe me, it’s not worth the effort. Best let him eat you, be over quicker. That big fireball in the sky that keeps getting bigger? Yeah, it’s not going away anytime soon. What do you mean you can’t read? Well sorry, I don’t speak shrew-like proto-mammal.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“CCTV has nothing on this guy” (Abergarw Recorder)

CREDIT CRUNCH SPECIAL! (Ted tells your financial future)

• ARIES: You’ve got three months left in your job. There’s a big round of layoffs coming and, although you’ve been there longest, the fact that you do nothing all day every day hasn’t gone unnoticed. You’ll get a new job in 3 months, but it won’t pay as well. Swipe as many office supplies in the meantime to tide you over, selling pens and staplers at car boot sales will pay for your smoking habit, at least.

• TAURUS: That money you made betting on that outside chance at the dogs? Save that, your wife will announce she’s pregnant on Tuesday, so you’ll have to start buying baby stuff. What? You lost it all on the Cheltenham races? Oooh, you in trouble now!!

• PISCES: Don’t cancel your plans to meet the guys Friday to save money, you do work hard and need a break. You can afford it if you collect all the loose change from the following places; The back of the couch (£5.68), your old jacket pockets (£4.23), the sink waste pipe (£2.25, but wear gloves), the car seat pockets (£6.34), inside the cat (£1.45, don’t ask) and the last book you read (‘Life of Pi’, £60.00, you used that cheque as a bookmark but gave up reading it half way through).

• CANCER: Al tha jobs U R applying 4? U wont get N E of them. This is coz u always rite in TXT speak wen u rite ur application letters, U berk! Wot U expect them to fink? U wudnt lik tha wud u? So u aint got no job. Soz. :(

• LEO: Your new business is not going to go well for the next few months, but it will turn around if you do as I say. What you do is buy a big advert in a local free satirical newspaper, and you’ll see a massive improvement in custom. Seriously, I can’t stress this enough. And tell all your friends and other business contacts, if they all buy ad space then maybe the guy who runs the paper will eventually pay the guy who writes the bloody horoscopes!!!

• VIRGO: Your new car, you are thinking about selling it and getting a cheaper one, but don’t bother. The car market isn’t good at the moment, and anyway it isn’t as thirsty as you think, your neighbour is siphoning off your petrol at night. And you’d save even more if you walked places now and again, which would save buying new clothes too as you might lose some weight.

• LIBRA: You know how you never have enough money to go out at night, but you can’t figure out where it’s going? Here’s a tip, you know how you go to Starbucks 5 times day and order a double-mocha-frappu-wappu-godknowswhataccino? That adds up to a hell of a lot! Have instant for once, or maybe a glass of water? That’s why nobody talks to you anymore, they don’t dislike you but when you speak people can only hear a high pitched buzzing noise.

• SCORPIO: Yeah, it’s been a while since you had a job, but hang on in there, it’ll come. I know you’re depressed, but it’ll be fine. You could always write to ‘Pat answers’ I suppose. I notice she gets paid for her crappy column but the ever popular horoscope guy gets squat. And she’ll do ‘anything’ for a can of Special Brew. Something suspicious there, me thinks? Hmm? Oh yes, it’s all becoming clear now.

• SAGITTARIUS: I’ll be honest mate, I know it’s all come crashing down around you in the last few months, I know you were worth millions and you’ve lost it all, I know you were used to the flash cars, loose women and champagne lifestyle, I know you used to feel repulsed by the working class folk and felt really smug when you screwed another bunch of trusting foke out of their hard earned cash, I know you could have had your pick of any of the trophy wives about, I know all that and as a result I’m not even going to try to help you. Ha ha! LOOOOOOSEEEERRRRRRR!

• CAPRICORN: Your mate Terry, he seems to be the only guy around with a ready supply of cash in these troubled times? What’s his secret? Well, he’s a drug dealer. Not a big one, but bad enough. How envious I mean disgusted by him are you? He’s not really a friend anyway is he, more of a friend of a friend, and if you turn him in you might get a reward! (You won’t)

• AQUARIUS: Seriously mate, I know times are hard, and you really are strapped, but just don’t go suing the local pub because you slipped in the bathroom and bruised a hip. Several reasons. 1. You weren’t working anyway, so no loss of earnings. 2. The floor was wet because you were too hammered to work the taps properly. 3. The pub would be forced to close for good if you win the case, and “Harry the Slasher” and the other regulars will know why, and then a bruised hip will be the least of your worries.

• GEMINI: Seriously mate, pay back what you owe to ‘Teds Loan Company’, or Ted will be forced to send his boys (Harry the Slasher and co., coincidentally) to extract it from you in kind. Yes, I am the same Ted. Why so shocked? A guy needs to make money somehow, and like I said, it’s not like I get paid anything for writing this guff.

MYSTIC [ CEDRIC’S :) ] ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Hang on, who’s this?” (Editor, The Cheek)

NOTE FROM CEDRIC: Coo-Eee! ‘Ello everyone, Edward is away in Tenby for his holidays at the moment, bless him. I’m his brother Cedric, I’m not quite as ‘Hot to Trot’ on the old Horoscopes as my big bruva, tee hee, but he’s left me in charge so I’m sure we’ll muddle through. So put your feet up, sit back, and enjoy. Kisses! (Ced x x)

• VIRGO: Aw, bless your little cotton socks. He’s gone and left you again, hasn’t he! No? Well, he will. But don’t worry, he’s not doing the dirty or anything, he just likes to get out from under your feet for a bit. And you do go on, luv, let’s be fair, no man could up with that level of agro and not go mad. I know you mean well, but you have a voice like Janet Street Porter eating a Parakeet.

• TAURUS: Well, look here mister clever - ‘I don’t need to worry because it will never happen to me’ – clogs, it will happen, it’s going to happen, and from what I can see here, it already has happened. Although that’s in the crystal ball, obviously. What? What am I on about? Well, I don’t see why I should tell you, it’s all your fault… what? … well, I suppose I could. Thing is, luv, you’re going to d- whoops, out of room!

• PISCES: Oooh, look now. Yes, luv, it looks lovely on you, and it will be lovely for Bernice’s wedding, but if you wait for a few weeks it’ll be half price in the summer sale. Just be there early, that cow Lauren has her eye on it too. Not that it would fit her, would be like throwing a tablecloth over a broken boiler.

• CANCER: Ha ha ha, oh bless. You know how Mr Haybright has been carrying on with Dyllis from behind the counter in the post office, well next week she’s going to find him in the sorting room with Julie the new sorting lady. Ooh, there’ll be hell to pay. Honestly, don’t know how Ted can stay away from this thing, better than my Soaps. Also luv, your Fridge is about to pack in… 3… 2… 1... There it goes.

• LEO: The reason, right, luv, that your eldest has been having such trouble at school… well, haven’t you wondered about him? Always in his room, never looks at women, loves strictly come dancing, is always dressed so immaculately, owns all of Elton John’s albums, you know what he is, right? That’s right, he’s a stereotype!

• ARIES: Listen, your mother, bless her heart, she’s not too well. I know she’s had turns in the past and always bounced back, but she’s nearly 80 now, and she can’t go on forever. You’ll have to accept it any time now, I know it’s hard, but you’re a grown man luv. Yes, it’s very difficult to come to terms with, but some time next week, the inevitable will happen. You’ll have to move out. And learn to do your own damn laundry!

• LIBRA: Now, here’s an interesting one. You’ve written a book, yes, well done luv, but you will get fifteen rejection letters next week. One letter, though, will be an acceptance letter, and they’ll offer to publish it, but say no as it’s just a scam. Don’t be surprised if it never gets published, bless you for trying but nobody wants to read a book about one man’s struggle against the Inland Revenue lost property department. You need more sleazy scenes and chisel jawed heroes for a start.

• SCORPIO: How many times do you need to be told! He’s gone over it a dozen times in the last two weeks! It’s not step-pivot-step-twirl-step-pivot-pivot, it’s step-twirl-pivot-dip-spin-dip-step-step-crouch-slide-turn-step-pivot-bow-jazz hands! You’ll need to have that learned by opening night, or the 6 people in the audience will be really upset.

• SAGITTARIUS: Ooh, I know this one. What you do is, right, you don’t use cooked rice, you use cold rice and heat it up, doesn’t stick so much. That way, he’ll be really impressed by your cooking and stay the night. You lucky thing you. But don’t get too smug, the food poisoning will mean nothing saucy gets to happen. And luv, seriously, I know money’s tight at the minute, but never buy raw chicken at a car-boot sale.

• CAPRICORN: Ooh, that accident you’re about to have looks nasty. Aw, is that a boo boo? Poor ickle thing, want uncle Cedric to kiss it better? You never know, it might help. Well it just might, ok? Fine, suit yourself. Ooh, look at me, so cocky, Mr “I’m a qualified Doctor” too good for me is he?

• AQUARIUS: Aw, poor luv. Looks like your holiday is ruined. You’ll only be there a day, but then you’ll find out that a younger sibling you left in charge of your work is ruining it, being all gossipy and unprofessional, it’s sad I know. And thing is… oh, hang on, there’s someone at the door… [click] Hello?… Ted! Why you back so early?... Oh, … oh God…. Help! Help!! HELP!!!!! Aaaaaaargh…. [Thud] OUCH! [Thud] [Thud]

• GEMINI: Oh for the love of God, what the hell has he done here? Don’t ever call your readers ‘Luv’, I told him a hundred times! I knew he would do this, I’m a sodding clairvoyant! Why’d I let him do it?! Well here’s a prediction for you. Pat, of ‘Pat Answers’? You’re a Gemini, I predict that tomorrow you’ll get a letter saying “I ruined my brother’s column and now he’s trying to kill me with a cricket bat; what do I do?” Believe me, I’ll make it happen!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!

People! Hello! I've not written a blog for about 4 months, an in that time I've gained 25% more followers! It's gone up from 4 to 5!*
Been really hammering the write-up, so not felt justified about wasting time on here. And let's be honest, a waste of time is what it is. But given the weather (hot), my current state of mind (apathetic), my current career prospects (wavering between hopelessly futility and optimism borne of ignorance), my comedy career (like one of those flies trapped in Amber; potentially could be resuscitated, but for all intents and purposes, dead) and my creative output (analogous to the seepage emanating from a mouldy tomato), I thought I'd catch up on the old science digestive, starting off with a few alarming similes. So here's a few blogs for you all to enjoy, have fun (although given the way most of these are streamed or listed, you'll probably read this last, in which case I hope you enjoyed).

In Space, size isn't everything...

So they found a planet around a star that is surprisingly small. And I remember a time when finding any planet anywhere was an incredible thing. Now it looks like they've given up looking for basic planets around basic stars. Every time the discovery of a planet is reported now it has to have some extra detail, like an apparent closeness to Earth norm, or potential signs of life, or be really big (on a planetary scale of things), or really close (on a galactic scale, 20 light years will never seem close), or have rings, or be made of processed cheese, or whatever. Finding a planet isn't enough anymore, now it has to be an interesting planet. Planet searching seem to be going the way of the TV show Big Brother. At first, the concept alone was fascinating, the act of doing it was of interest in itself. Now, we need the freaks, the sensationalists, the utter barking maniacs, the attention seekers in other words, in order to keep people interested.
Still, I like the news that this tiny star (1/12th the size of our star, a.k.a The Sun) has a planet 6 times bigger than our suns biggest planet. The smaller the body, the bigger the appendage in other words. How true to life that is.
Also, if we do eventually discover life around another star, will we have to rename our sun? From 'the Sun' to 'A Sun', or 'Sol', 'Sun #1 (assuming it's older)', 'Shinyball alpha' or maybe 'Derek', give it some character.

(* = I know people might work tha out as a 20% increase, but 1 from 4, the original number, is 25%, so my math is accurate)

I'm back, from Outta Space!

Greetings Loyal readers. And Dave.

I've not done one of these for a loooooong time. That thing called a thesis keeps intruding. Recently handed in another draft, which was good overall, apart from being awful in places. The main problem is, for those of you who have a bizarre concern for my progress, that as I didn't do a Psychology BSc but a Neuroscience one (which is the correct way of doing things, if anyone ever asks), I lack the grounding in the correct terminology for discussing animal behavioural processes. I know what I'm talking about, but I don't know how to talk about what I'm talking about.

With me so far? This is a theme which has been prevalent during my blogs thus far, I'm sure you'll have noticed.

Anyhoo, I decided to write the blogs again on the off chance that they take your space from you if you stop. I've had no warning of this, and not heard of it happening to anyone, but given the credit crunch and all that, they might start renting my space out to an ex banker or something. To hell with Stewart Lee, I can do my own satire!

So, you may have noticed there's no link to an article at the top. Usual blog procedure is I find something on a Science news website (99.9% of the time its the BBC news website), discuss it in what I hope is an accurate but amusing manner, people read it, sometimes ponder on it, and promptly forget about it. But as it's my first one in a while I thought I'd discuss my own projects, so feel free to skip ahead to the promptly forgetting part.

Since we last 'spoke', my Science Comedy project 'Humourology' has taken off a bit more than I really anticipated. The story of Humourology thus far goes as follows.

Sometime last year, I believe it was around summertime, I can't be any more specific than that (try and pinpoint the exact time you had a specific thought and you'll see what I mean), I had the brainwave of finally combining my science and comedy experience into one project. At the time there was no title, but the possibility of a night of Science-based stand-up comedy was the general gist of it.

There are plenty of references to Science in comedy, usually with an anti-religion, anti-quackery intentions, or sometimes with the intent of showing off the performers intellectual abilities. The latter isn't always for the best, and relies on the common assumption that all scientists are more intelligent than the average person. This is a bit of an overestimate I feel, scientists just have knowledge of areas that are normally not well understood by the general public. For example, I know several people who are ardent football fans, they can recite team members and layouts going back decades, they can quote word-for-word the commentary during several 90 minute games, they know the problems with strategic structure and tactical approaches, but they aren't considered intelligent because there are many other people who can do the same thing.

Also, anyone who likes sport is a knuckle-dragging primate, so get bent.

But the general theme I've noticed is, if you talk about science without being a scientist, you're an intellectual. If you talk about science and you are a scientist, you're a nerd. Which seems unfair. And this is evidenced by the fact that most comedians who use science aren't scientists themselves. Many comedians who are scientists by trade (Dara O'Briain, Jo Brand, Harry Hill) rarely or never use science jokes.

I find this annoying, so decided it would be a good idea to do a comedy night that, a) Featured scientists doing science comedy on their own terms, or b) featured jokes about science for the sake of science, not as a means of attacking something else.

Seemed like a good idea. And like all of my good ideas, after an initial bout of enthusiasm, it soon died from lack of nourishment. Or more accurately, anticipating an upcoming barren period, entered a hibernation cycle, or dormant state if you were going with a plant analogy. Either way, the metaphor holds together.

Round about October time, I got involved with Laura (Hi Laura) in a purely professional capacity and offered to help out with Cardiff first Science festival that she was organising. I think. Or maybe I was enlisted based on earlier discussions. Either way, it happened.

One of the main reasons I never really got round to doing a science-comedy night to begin with was that I couldn't really see a good reason for doing so. I had my mates on the local scene who would obviously be happy to help put it on and take part, but to what end? The Cardiff comedy scene isn't like London, a lot of our audience are regular, they've seen me before, have no problem with my (or others) science stuff, so what would I achieve by doing such a show for them? As well as disrupting one of the regular nights the other guys run, it would probably look like a vanity exercise on my part, which it wasn't (not just that, anyway).

The point is, I genuinely want to get people to see that Scientists are also people. Regular, idiotic, fallible, bumbling people with opinions and feelings like a normal human. It pisses me off when the animal rights hypocrites attack scientists for being evil, because yeah, they're all massive twats for conducting research that, although unpleasant, could potentially save lives. Bloody Bernard Matthews or Tesco's effectively treat poultry like packing foam and the worst they get is a posh TV chef crying about it. People breed dogs to have skulls too small for their brains, a horrific thing to do, but they don't get their grans dug up and held to ransom, they get rosettes at crufts.

A rant, yes. But I feel it's justified. The reason, I think, that scientists get this over-enthusiastic negative bias is that people see them as detached from the general public. A sort of intellectual class-divide. I want to disprove that. Granted, a lot of scientists are very clever, people accuse me of that very thing, but that doesn't mean we're any better. But we're not nay worse either, and that's the thing I want to emphasise.

But yes, I wanted a night that shows Scientists in a good light. Comedy does that, it makes people like you. Or hate you, but then they laugh at you against their will, which is more impressive in a way.

So, Science festival. What better way to show Joe Public that we're not all borderline-sociopathic dweebs? I have to point out that there are many things with this intention that are ongoing, but to me there's either a sense of preaching to the choir or targeting the younger groups (under 14s, for example), which smacks of just writing off those older as a lost cause. I didn't want to do that, I wanted to put on a Science themed event that allowed alcohol consumption, sex references and the word 'fuck'. Because that's what normal people like (I'm told).

Oddly, the part for me that was the most successful was the preview thing I did at the Science Cafe. I may have mentioned this in another blog, but it was fun, and really did what I hoped for. Then came the first Humourology night. Just to point out, the night was confirmed and I was asked to supply a title asap, 'Humourology' is the best I could do at short notice. It's not good, but it sounds like it should be Latin for 'the science of comedy' (but it isn't). Ironically, the 'humours' were what the Romans believed were the four fluids in the body that maintained health, so the science of humours could be seen as the science of health. In other words, medicine. And what's the best medicine? That's right. It turns out I was being clever all along.

It went well, but it was undeniably a comedy night. This was because nobody (including me, if I'm honest) really knew what the structure was. It was fun, but I was going for a 50-50 science-comedy ratio, ended up being about 35-65 respectively. Still, was fun, people enjoyed.

Didn't know what to do with it then. Felt it still had places to go, but it what capacity. There are thousands (I think) of themed comedy nights around the country, and this triples during the month of August (work it out). But what would this be for?

Basically, I really didn't expect the level of enthusiasm people had for the project. The shows thus far were sell-outs (although free), far more people wanted to be involved than I could have anticipated, the support I was getting was somewhat alarming. Being as self critical as I am (see earlier paragraphs/blogs/routines/diaries) I assumed I'd be fighting an uphill battle at all times with this, but one that I'd enjoy fighting, as long as the risk of death remained as low as it is in normal stand up gigs (Jongleurs is outside the typical range, depending on the city/night/number of stag parties in the crowd).

In March, I organised another gig for NSEW, National Science and Engineering Week, which came a close second to National Pie Week, which occurred on the same week. Clearly, there is much still to be done. But this one was a free gig in the large lecture theatre at Cardiff University Main Building.

That night, had about 100 in again, which is very good for a 'niche' gig. But everyone seemed to enjoy (apart from some bloke on Twitter who felt it was more comedy than Science, and that this was a bad thing). And the use of powerpoint seemed to really help matters. Much easier to incorporate Science material with a screen for your graphs/slides/data/diagrams/pointless pictures. Also, I hosted this night, as the person who organises the bloody things I figured I was the best equipped to explain what was going on. Due to some last minute cancellations, I had to extend my opening bit. Turns out I did nearly 40 minutes, without batting an eyelid, which is impressive. Even more impressive, everyone else seemed to really like it. Add up the intersecting bits from later sections, I've got nearly 60 minutes of stuff there.

But everyone was great that night (except Iszi, who was OK at best, she kept doing stuff about the Beach and I'm not really into that). It really 'worked'.

Since then, I'm booked to do 'Humourology' at Bath Comedy Festival (which is tomorrow), I've got 2 conference gigs lined up, one of which I believe is at the Royal Institute, which may be a first for a comedian. I've got several school speaking events lined up too, apparently I'm some sort of inspiration. Who knew? But I'll keep you posted as to what happens when.

So, long story short, I haven't got a job yet.

Facebook: A few observations

Facebook is very popular, we all know this. It's become an all-encompassing virtual world, people rely on it, people need it, when things with facebook go wrong, people get alarmingly worked up about it.

But when you get bombarded daily with seemingly useless information about friends, family, acquaintances and their friends, family, acquaintances and their friends, family, acquaintances etc, you start to spot certain things that, without facebook, probably wouldn't happen or wouldn't ever come to your attention. So, considering what facebook has shown me of late, here's a list of things I think are worth remembering. You might think I'm wrong, I might even be wrong, that's your prerogative. But here goes.

1. The old layout is NEVER coming back. Because it was shit, it was changed for a reason. You can, and many did, complain until blue in the face, but what are you going to do? Demand a refund? And I don't think starting a group that claims 'if i get 1,000,0000 pepl to joyn facebook say theyl chang it back!!!' is going to make a blind bit of difference, if that's how you spell normally I can't imagine they could even understand any emails you sent, let alone promise to undo their radical format shift because about 2% of users can't handle change. Deal with it.

2. It's weird, but it's true of statuses, comments, captions or anything else, but no matter what the sentence actually says, adding 'lol' at the end actually makes it at least 50% less funny than it actually is. And unless you did actually 'laugh out loud' when you said/wrote it, you're technically a liar.

3. The guys who own/run/built facebook are apparently somewhat right-wing and mercenary in their beliefs, staunchly pro-capitalist. So when people like that give you something you use for most of your waking hours for no money at all, it's probably not for your benefit. Apparently it's fine that they have access to all your personal details 24/7, which they can use an abuse at their leisure, but if they try to keep it when you leave? Bastards! It is, I know, a gross misuse of personal data, but it seems a bit odd to complain at this point, like walking through public naked then complaining that someone took a photo and posted it online.

4. Ian Huntley is not, and never has been, on facebook. This probably goes for every other high-profile child abuser/murderer you can think of. I'm not to well read on the exact rehabilitation techniques of prisoners, but I can't see felons with a history of killing children being given access to children, online or otherwise. And let's be honest, if Ian Huntley was on facebook, who'd accept his friend request? Who is that desperate for numbers or 'famous' friends?

5. Robert Mugabe, the Government of Israel and anyone else who's caused a humanitarian disaster, these people are renowned for ignoring the international pressure of the combined leaders of western society. So, a facebook group that says they're not nice is going to do absolutely piss all, even if it does boast thousands of members. Declare your dislike by all means, but joining/starting a group is doing exactly fuck all to help matters, so don't think your 'making a difference' by doing so. Ease your conscience by donating or campaigning actively, if your friends with me I already assumed you were opposed to tyrants/invaders/murderers

, didn't think it needed to be said.

6. Although there are many bad people in the news of late, you can't bring back the death penalty for one person. For the death penalty to be justified at all, you'd need a justice system that was 100% efficient, and we don't have that. Innocent people will die if we bring back the death penalty, and that's the sort of thing that it's meant to prevent.

7. If I don't have any idea who you are, I probably won't accept a friend request from you. We clearly aren't friends, my actual friends would say 'hello,it's me, your friend', so if I refuse to accept you, I'm not being rude. Mam always said never speak to strangers, certainly don't let them see all your personal details and photos.

8. Facebook is quite widespread, but has not yet got to the point where it dictates what happens in the real world. If I don't show up as attending an event, it doesn't mean I'm not going, if I choose not to put my Birthday up, I still have one, if I take more than two days to reply to a message, I'm probably busy and not dead.

9. If someone randomly kept poking me in real life, I'd get annoyed and tell them to piss off. Why is it seen as a friendly gesture on here?

10. People who write bitter, cynical rants about what is essentially a harmless distraction clearly should just give up and got to bed.


The people I've tagged are those I hope would concur with my assessment(s) and possibly have more to add.

Easy Measly Lemon Squeezy

Measles on the rise, as we all predicted

I say 'we all', by which I meant anyone even the slightest bit informed about how medicine and vaccinations works. And I don't mean trained doctors and scientists, I mean anyone who's ever had a vaccination explained to them when they were old enough to form memories, which in this country should be anyone over the age of 3. But that's one of the most fascinating things about modern society, in that there's no limit to the idiotic things people will believe just because it corresponds to their gut instinct or prejudice (this is less of a blog, more a therapeutic rant for me, by the way).

The measles rise is undeniably due to the MMR scare a decade ago which still hasn't gone away really. The original claim, made on the basis of very little evidence by a doctor who was on the payroll of an anti-vaccination lobbying group, was that there was potentially a link between the MMR jab and the incidence of autism in children.

Already, there was something about this which bugged me (I was 16 at the time, so not exactly as well informed as I am now, and I'm not thoroughly informed now so this, as always, may be wrong). Autism is a very poorly understood disease, nobody really knows (or they didn't know then) what causes it, what the epidemiology is and what to do about it. So, if I was a doctor who wanted to make some spurious but hard-to-disprove link between the MMR jab and some scary illness, Autism is exactly what I'd choose. It's also worth noting that, although I'm not a virologist or expert in infectious diseases, I'm not really familiar with a mechanism by which a weakened version of a very common virus (or three) can cause hitherto unknown cognitive development impairments.

Logically, if it's the vaccine which causes autism, and a vaccine is just a weakened form of a virus with the purpose of giving your immune system a safe period to develop antibodies to prevent future infections, then surely the stronger form of the virus will be even more effective at causing autism? I had mumps as a child (it was unpleasant) and as far as I know, I don't have autism. I think I got measles too, same applies. I doubt I had Rubella, I was always led to believe that's a girl's disease. Not being sexist, just thinking back to my primary school years where such sweeping claims were common.

As Ben Goldacre points out in his regular column, on the back of a recent debacle over some mad journo squawking about the 'dangers' of MMR, the media's irresponsible behaviour with scaremongering and 'presenting a balanced argument' has potentially condemned many hundreds of children to death (he didn't say that, this is my perspective). This story has been blogged about to death, but what are the root causes of these wild opinions people have?

Journalists, as has been pointed out so many times, don't understand science as well as they should when you consider their tendency to comment on stories about it (LHC, anyone?). They need to give a 'balanced' argument, which, as Goldacre points out, takes in the the two extreme viewpoints, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. This, in many cases, is bollocks. There are still some people who believe that the Earth is flat, most people believe it's round, but we haven't had a debate on TV, where the outcome is that Earth is something of a rugby ball or dome. That's because all the evidence is on the side of the spherical Earth, and that's the same of the MMR 'debate'; there's no evidence to support it, so why in God's name are people jumping to the wild conclusion.

There seems to be two main undercurrents that I can detect; distrust of the big, evil pharmaceutical companies, and the classic cliche 'Think of the Children!!!' (parents not wanting to do anything that endangers children in other words). To start with the latter, measles, mumps and rubella are more dangerous and damaging than autism. Granted, autism is less well understood, but then does that make it the worst disease? We have more treatments for cancer than for colds, but which one would you rather have? Unless parents are saying they're unwilling to care for an autistic child because it will be too much work, in which case your concerns are null and void as, and the reactionary idiots must surely agree, being a parent is not conditional. I don't mind so much if people still aren't willing to risk the MMR 'for their children's safety', if they are consistent with this view. So that means no taking them in cars (road accidents), aeroplanes (crashes and very high doses of radiation possibly leading to cancer), mobile phones (tenuous link to tumours), alcohol (they can't have it, not the children, clumsy parenting is dangerous), broccoli (high in carcinogens), pencils (could jam it in their eyes), Lego (swallow it and choke) and anything else which has even the slightest chance of causing illness or damage.

The other problem is distrust at the big pharma companies. Granted, they're not looking out for people's interests, they're after money. And they do have a habit of inventing illnesses they can then treat with new meds. But I think there's a world of difference between being treated for a fictional disease and not being treated for a real one. If the big companies are just pushing MMR jabs on people as a money making exercise, why does it work? People seem to think it's just a money-making ruse, but why? Car companies are big and profit hungry, but nobody accuses them of surreptitiously making axles out of plywood or using whoopee cushions as air bags. it would be a lot cheaper for them and they'd make a lot of profit, so why don't they? I got a C for my business G.C.S.E., so I may be wrong, but I bet one of the golden rules of any business is DON'T KILL CUSTOMERS! And MMR is so much more expensive than giving children three separate courses of vaccination, isn't it?

If the MMR was given to a child who then developed measles, we'd never hear the last of it. Similarly, if a child was given MMR and then developed some obvious horrific side-effects, there would be no end of mob rallying. So any parent who refuses to have their child vaccinated 'for their safety' is an idiot. I don't have children myself, but I hope to one day, and damn right they'll be vaccinated, with MMR. For similar reasons, if my child's clothes caught fire I'd pour water on them, I wouldn't let them burn because there's a slim chance they could drown.

Rant over, back to work.

Science and the Media: A personal perspective

Following my last blog, and where at the end I hinted that I would be making my own media appearance soon, I felt it would be appropriate to discuss my own experiences as a scientist who keeps getting involved with the media. Although I think it is a relevant subject for blogging, it also neatly covers the fact that I can't seem to find an article that I feel can be thoroughly satirised or ridiculed.

I've been featured in all types of media now, apart from films. TV, Radio, journals, newspapers, magazines and of course, the global interworldweb, what you're looking at at the moment. So, I feel I have as much right as anyone to comment on the portrayal of scientists in the media, and I'll be honest, I'm not happy with it. You might think it churlish of me, that I'm biting the hand that feeds me, and this would be a good point if at any point in my life I'd actively sought out media exposure.

The weird thing is, I never have. Genuinely. About 90% of my media exposure has been thrust upon me as if by the whim of some wacky God with a questionable sense of humour. The only times it hasn't been, it's been me calling in a favour on behalf of some other friend/project.

I usually get my media gigs by the same route; an email ends up in my inbox, my work or personal one (possibly via my myspace in the past but not so much these days), which says something along the lines of "Hello Dean, we've never met, but I'm X and I work for Y, and we need a scientist to say something about Z for article/show ... Z1... yeah, that works.

This happens surprisingly often. Here's a brief synopsis of some of my media appearances and how they came about.

GLEE TIME (ITV) - I emailed Glee club manager to enquire who the 'local acts' advertised as part of the show were, he said I could do the first night. Unprompted.

'SCIENCE' MAGAZINE - Journalist (the lovely Krista) created a myspace account for the sole purpose of asking if she could profile me, and berated me for being hard to get hold of in the first message.

FUNNY BUSINESS (BBC Wales) - Director Neil gets hold of Dan Mitchell, who assembles us all to discuss it. I end up progressing further in the televised 'contest' than any of us expected, especially me.

SOUTH WALES ECHO - Get called several times by Katie, lovely girl, asking for my contribution to various articles, which oddly continues after she leaves.

BBC RADIO WALES - Get contacted, again out of the blue, by Sarah, who asks me to guest on the Rodri Williams show.

HTV NEWS FEATURE - Email via work, asking for me, discussing the exact same topic mentioned in and echo article a year previously.

BBC RADIO SCOTLAND - Another work email, asking if I'll do a live link-up to a chat with Fred Macaulay and Tim Vine.

I know a lot of comics who would crave such exposure, and I'm genuinely not trying, so I feel bad in a way, but there's not much I can do about it. I think if you type in 'comedian + Neuroscientist' into google, you get me, although I don't know why people keep typing that in.

But anyway, my credentials established, I think the problem with media and science, and this is becoming a laboured point, is one of ignorance. On both sides. Scientists, by and large, either don't understand or don't expect the way 'the media' does things, it goes against their grain. In scientific media, you can't say or do anything without evidence supporting it, or the references to back it up (but then there are those scientists who do it anyway, but they tend to get frowned upon). The Media doesn't work this way. My impression is that scientists try and tell people what they think they people need to know, or should know, whereas the media leans heavily toward telling people what they think they want to hear. These two things rarely overlap.

Case in point. The recent 8 second clip of me on HTV news (it was on Monday, I think I was on for 8 seconds, I don't know because I didn't watch it) was part of a 'humorous' feature on Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. When I say 'most depressing day of the year' this is according to Dr Cliff Arnil, whom everyone I know has their doubts about. He once taught a night class at Cardiff University centre for life long learning, and has since labelled himself a 'Researcher at Cardiff University'. Hmmm.

His equation is self promoting bollocks he sells to travel agents, sales executives and anyone else without the scientific wherewithal to question it. So, media people lap it up. When the reporter Duncan (nice guy, I'll say that) turned up at my flat (yeah, they come to me, I'm that important) to get footage of the story form the 'scientific perspective', I explained thoroughly why it was bullshit. His expression turned to what can only be described as 'I've dedicated an entire feature to this theory and if this viewpoint ever gets established I'll look like a right arse' expression. But we ploughed on. He allowed me to say it wasn't the most depressing day of the year, that there's no such thing as an absolute most depressing day of the year.

According to people who saw it, in the final edit a bit of that was left in. This is quite impressive. The editing I mean, because I didn't say much else, apart form a crap joke which got pride of place of course.

But this sums up exactly why science and the media don't get on. By the time the scientists are asked to get involved, the media has already decided on the story/report from an understandably ill informed viewpoint. A lot of people have complained that science stories in the media are rarely looked over by trained scientists in the way political or economic stories are. This may be the case, but when you consider that most people who study science go on to become scientists, there's probably a shortfall of science versed people with media jobs. Those scientists who do spend a lot of time with the media are generally ones who are more concerned with self publicity. This is also frowned upon in the scientific circles.

But I think the media does need to give scientists more say in how they're represented, they should give control over what's said about an issue to those who understand it most. The media's obsession with the MMR-Autism link (which doesn't exist) has probably resulted in the deaths of children. Doctors aren't familiar with measles, and it's quite a potent disease, but because some idiot said there might be a link and the media took his side, some child somewhere will not have the vaccine, catch the illness and will be presented to a doctor who doesn't know how to handle it. Assuming this hasn't happened already.

On a lighter note, here's a good example. When I was filming funny business, the fact that I was a comedian-neuroscientist proved to be of interest to the film crew (this is why I get all my exposure, I won't deny it, I'm an oddity). They wanted to film me at work. As it happened, a busy neuroscience lab like the one where I work(ed) isn't really open to filming, a lot of sensitive material and equipment scattered around. But no matter, they just wanted to film me 'doing science' a phrase that I've never really defined.

This ended up with me sat in an empty teaching lab that normally occupies over a hundred students, transferring water from one vial to another with a pipette while they asked questions. Apparently, this looked fine. This is the equivalent of someone being an IT technician in a busy office building, and interviewing him/her sat at a child's desk in an empty warehouse while he plays with a calculator. This wouldn't look fine, but people would see that. And that, I think, is the problem.

Rant done

Celebrities and Science, and never the twain shall meet.

Celebrities are misleading about Science

Some people have been complaining that celebrities mislead people about science. It's true, they do, but I don't really see it as a big a problem as those concerned make out. Granted, I'm the person who's the first to say that public awareness of Science is seriously lacking, and I greatly resent all these pseudo-scientists who get millions for spewing fictitious gibberish in the public's faces (see earlier rants regarding McKeith and her ilk).
However, I'm not sure this issue is that big a deal. The article reports that Delia Smith has been stating that if people could cut down on sugar then we could cure the nations obesity. This confuses me a bit, I don't see it as anything more than a generalised statement. If you cut down on pretty much anything you eat excessively then it would help with obesity. Unless you're addicted to carrots or something, but eating too many carrots will kill you faster than obesity (vitamin A poisoning I believe, can break down your cell lysosomes which releases all the aggressive enzymes into the cells and they break down, you sort of fall apart really slowly and horribly, it's very unpleasant or at least it was in the sci-fi novel I read where it happened which was very well researched but probably not a 100% dependable source of information).
If I was a celebrity, that previous quote taken out of context could be used to claim that I stated that carrots are lethal. Luckily I'm not a celebrity.
I think Delia's problem was that she tried the classic bluff of dropping a bit of science in to enhance credibility:
"After six weeks [without sugar] everything will taste sweet... because you will have got your palate back to what nature created". OK, I'm not sure that's true. Granted, you'll desire sugar less if your blood's always full of it, but things will taste different? Taste is a sense, and admittedly sight and the corresponding brain areas can change depending on the stimulus they get, but does this work for taste? And is it even the same thing? If I stop looking at red things for a few weeks, will everything start to look more red to me? If I stop touching metal things, will everything else feel like metal? Granted, this doesn't take into account the metabolic role of sugar, but if I'm confused, surely Delia should be more so? And isn't it a bit rich for a celebrity chef to have a go at people for eating too much? And would we want everything to taste sweet anyway? I prefer savoury things, as do many others. Everyone would start putting excess salt on their food to counteract it, which would cause more health problems. THINK, Delia!

That's one issue. Someone else has criticised Mariah Carey for her maths skills. That's just awful. The criticising I mean, not the Mariah Carey maths skills.

"Carey's grasp of maths came under fire after she said her album E=MC2 stood for "emancipation equals Mariah Carey times two" - rather than squared... Mathematician Dr David Leslie said Carey had "misread the algebra" after adapting Einstein's famous equation for her album title. "The 'two' in the equation means C squared, not MC multiplied by two. "The correct reading of the equation is E=MCC, so perhaps Mariah's re-interpretation should have been 'emancipation equals Mariah Carey Carey'?"

Jesus Christ! Firstly, anyone who takes their mathematical learning from Mariah Carey is clearly beyond any hope. And secondly, what a dickhead! Not really doing much for the impression of Scientists there, and have you ever heard of poetic license? And I don't even like Mariah Carey, but come on.

Then they talk about Tom Cruise disputing the use of psychiatry. But lets bare one thing in mind; Tom Cruise is a Scientologist. Anything he says, does, or even thinks, can be discounted for ever and ever amen. He says this because... Ah, but is he a Scientologist? Then he's wrong. Even if he told me Gravity pulled you down, I'd have to get a bag of apples and a high window just to check. Therefore, all his claims are nonsense. Nuff said.

There's more about Demi Moore not understanding detox and other stuff, but I don't think they should be blamed for this. They're not scientists. Agreed, it's harmful when you figure the influence they have, but that's the unthinking minions who worship them who are responsible.

You may wonder why I'm being so lenient to misinformed stars? It's because these reports of their claims are filtered through the media, therefore I don't believe them. Why? Because it's happened to me. See here. It sounds like I agree with this 'most depressing day of the year' nonsense. I made it quite clear that I didn't and explained why in some detail, but in fairness to the South Wales Echo, that doesn't make for an easily readable story, does it? Still, makes me look like a dweeb.

So take every media claim of celebrity claim with a pinch of salt. All the better to take away that persistent sweet taste


P.S. The 'most depressing day of the year' occurs again a week today, and ITV Wales have asked to do an interview with me about why people should stay cheerful. Dejavu indeed. I shall do my best to ruin it if they try to dumb me down again. Watch this space for details.