"Dear Gillian McKeith, from Science" (No. 21)

Seems like it needs doing, following the what looks like a 'Blaze of Glory' strategy adopted by Ms McKeith and/or her spokespeople following a rather pointless and potentially libellous Twitter faux pas (detailed here by the legendary Jack of Kent, someone who knows what they're doing in this regard).

"Dear Dr sorryImean Ms McKeith

Hello. It's me, the anthropomorphic representation of Science. I'm not sure how you'll react to this letter, as I confess to being somewhat confused as to what your general opinion of me actually is. You present and describe yourself as someone who works closely with me, but you treat any question or remark from my people with extreme hatred and bile, usually ending with legal threats and accusations of conspiracy ties. This is the sort of behaviour I find baffling; it's tantamount to spitting in Mick Jagger's face and calling him a washed up sell-out despite making your living as the lead singer of a tribute band called the Stowling Rones.

I don't get where you're coming from, is the long and short of it. You want to be taken seriously as a scientist? Are you not familiar with the phrase that begins with 'Do unto others...'? I confess that I think that may be one of Religion's sayings. I usually hesitate to use anything he's touched, but to hell with it; he's always trying to take my stuff from me. Evolution? You swear I'd pushed a burning pile of it through his letterbox, the way he carries on about it.

I digress. I understand if you wanted to be respected as a scientist, but here's the catch; you have to earn it. You can't just buy scientific knowledge over the net in exchange for a few dollars and a return envelope. You claim you've 'studied' for many years, but that's not really how it's done either. Astrologers have been studying the stars for thousands of years, but they still seem to have no clue how they work, or even what they are. And if you are going to persist in dressing up in a white coat and wandering around wearing safety goggles on TV, I will be expecting some royalties (I invented lab-chic, you know).

So you need to really earn your stripes with study and, more crucially, understanding before you can call yourself a scientist. I've heard that your supposed 'university' got closed down? I would offer my commiserations, but I'm afraid I can't, as to me it was like having a boil lanced. It seems weird to me that 'professional naturopaths' were critical of it too, it's like Scientologists criticising Kabbalah for being 'too weird'. But don't worry, if you want a diploma of equivalent or even greater value to the one from your original 'university', there are many ways to get one.

But I confess I do find your belligerence, your attitude and your misunderstanding of the most basic principles of biology quite alarming. But seeing as I am Science, I feel duty bound to offer my help and expertise to help you, and I think I have stumbled upon a possible cause for all the aforementioned issues. Although my psychologists point out that a lot of your characteristics are almost textbook examples of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, I have a different theory (and I think you've been in enough books as it is)

You have mentioned in the past how chlorophyll-rich food will oxygenate your blood. Ben Goldacre, one of my Illuminati, has explained in depth about how this is ridiculous as (amongst many other things) there is no light in your gut for photosynthesis. But I wonder if there is an exception for you? You seem to have the demeanour and approach of someone who has their anal sphincter in a permanently clenched state. I would be willing to believe that you have caused such a high level of pressure to build up in your intestine that the gasses that reside within it have been forced to undergo cold-fusion.

Effectively, you may have a small sun up your posterior. This would obviously be uncomfortable and damaging, hence your bizarre appearance and angry countenance. It would also explain why you think photosynthesis can occur in the intestine, as in yours it can. And when you first showed professional scientists your diploma and they told you you could 'stick it where the sun doesn't shine', that message would have been completely lost on you.

It all adds up. But if you would consider an intestinal solarectomy, I would happily point you in the right direction.

So please, consider this, I only mean to help you. You surely don't want another twitter-based debacle? I understand you tried to just get rid of something you produced, but people picked it apart and analysed it and criticised you for it. What sort of awful person would do such a thing? Don't know where they'd get such an idea from.

Enough with the massive hints, but please consider my offer. My door is always open to you. But leave your lawyer's outside, you've seen what happens when people bring them onto my turf.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

P.S. That title next to my name is a joke, but then you'd know all about that.

email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy

Twitterrific

A blog, written entirely in tweets (Twitter entries, for those who don’t know. Messages of 140 characters or less)

My blogs are usually too long winded and waffly. I accept this. I will try to resolve this in future posts.

It can’t be doing me any favours, less people are prepared to invest a great deal of time into reading something like that.

Weird how that happens, you’d think our brains wouldn’t prefer how information is presented, gradually or instantly.

Some people think the same about drinking water. “Small gulps absorb better” and crap like that. You can tell the difference, your gut cant.

That clematis in the window either needs watering or is just really bored.

But maybe the brain isn’t like that. I should know really, I studied it for four years. We don’t remember all things equally.

Specific points in your memory stand out from others, if they’re more ‘significant’ than the norm.

Long periods of commuting are forgotten. Except the one time you saw a burning dwarf chasing a pig along the carriage.

That sort of thing will stay with you forever. Even if it was brief.

Just found some of my old passport photos. At least I think they’re passport photo’s, I don’t remember being arrested.

So we’re probably predisposed to remember brief instances that are packed with information. It makes sense, really.

Hence why short attention spans seem to develop quite easily. An evolutionary imperative?

This would explain the rise in text speak, twitter etc. More information in smaller packages.

I can’t see how machines could take over the world if they whine like bitches and refuse to work if you use the wrong printer cartridge

Try explaining to someone why you like twitter. It’s hard to explain how it works. Like trying to describe a smell.

A smell you’ve never experienced before, and that doesn’t resemble any other smell. To someone with a cold.

But still, it’s getting more popular. I expect it’s because it delivers a constant stream of easily digestible nuggets. Like KFC.

But it does mean you have to churn through a lot of crap and worthless filler. Again, like KFC.

If I put ginger hair and glasses on my feet, they’d look like the Proclaimers.

Pointless fast-food analogies aside, it’s oddly addictive. Like Beer. It tastes crap and gives you a headache, but you still persist

Eventually you get hooked, lose all your teeth and money, and die under a bridge of liver failure.

Twitter may also have this effect, it’s not been going long enough to tell. I doubt it though.

Unless you have an iPhone, then who knows? I don’t have one, but they seem addictive and they turn people into tossers. Like booze.

A downside of twitter is you keep getting sidetracked while trying to follow a conversation or thread.

Is this really the best way to communicate important information?

There are two cats either fighting or screwing outside. Sound alone cannot differentiate the two.

Twitter can be hypocritical too. Championing free speech and communication, then hounding people who say anything upsetting

Also, people who complain vociferously about Government spying are also willing to voluntarily share every waking thought with strangers? Odd

But it’s an interesting social experiment. People willingly telling others about their waking lives, instantaneously.

Next step, we all form one homogenous linked-society, accessing a constant stream of Binary. Nice.

Not sure if we’ll still have all the disjointed distractions though.

The cats have gone now. Goodnight.