Dean of the University

So, it seems that starting a University is easy. You just get a bunch of your famous mates to put their names to it, sponge off the resources of an established institution, offer the same courses as anywhere else, and charge double/triple fees compared to the norm. At least, that's what AC Grayling has supposedly done. It's not going too well, apparently.

Admittedly, I'm being rather fatuous. It's apparently not a university, it's a college offering University level education. It is part of the University of London, but it gets a bit confusing at this point. At first I thought it was akin to something like Queens College being part of Cambridge University, but now I'm guessing it's an 'independent' body which is part the confederal University of London. The University of Wales is a similar thing, it's a body which accredits and is made up of various institutions (and has a habit of validating pseudoscientific/bullshit courses, a fact which irks my patriotic side considerably and one which I've acted on before). I assume the New College of the Humanities is in a similar arrangement with the University of London. I could be all thorough and look this up, but that sounds boring. But if you really must know, feel free to go find out. I'll wait.

Back? OK, good.

It does strike me as a bit of a cash-making wheeze by some high profile ageing academics. But a lot of the concern surrounds the elitism of it, coupled with the frankly satirical fees they're charging. It's open to anyone, they say. But then it's not just anyone who has £18,000 a year to fritter away on an overhyped undergraduate course (in my humble opinion). The arguments about whether this is an acceptable move on the part of Grayling and his fellow famous academics are still going on. It seems to have met with wide condemnation, but that's possibly the result of the sources I rely on to get information, which may well be skewed away from the actual middle-ground. But that's not what I'm particularly interested in.

The point that perked my interest was; is it really that easy to set up a University/Higher Education institution? You just get yourself and some mates to promise to teach some courses, get a few facilities you can use, and charge people a ridiculous sum to listen to you waffle on about it? There's probably a lot more to it than this, but that's how it looks from the general articles I've read. So rather than protest the elitism and exploitative nature of the College of New Humanities via articles, blogs and dubious protests, why not fight fire with fire. They set up a profit making university that caters to the rich, I'll set up the exact opposite!

My University: Name

The New College of Humanities is seemingly dedicated to teaching the humanities. Well, the title suggests that is the case. I've not seen that stated anywhere on the actual website, but it seems a valid conclusion to come to. Some people (such as scientists like Richard Dawkins, disturbingly) have criticised the Humanities for not being that useful. Bit unfair, but that's smug scientists for you. But if I was paying double or triple the typical University fees, I'd expect to have a degree or qualification that would be so useful I'd have employers ringing me up in the middle of the night, begging me to work for them, offering vast sums and sexual favours if I'll even agree to a tour of their offices. But in my experience, the one University that everyone seems to improve your employability is the so-called University of life. It's a decent university in many ways, the skills it teaches you are essential and the curriculum is ridiculously varied. On the downside, you never stop paying the fees to attend, and the graduation ceremony is a depressing affair. However, these days there are seemingly more and more people who are failing at life. Check the number of 'fail' shout outs in any discussion online. You'd think that failing life would have terminal consequences, but apparently not. Arguably, it's a consequence of an increasingly complex and ever changing society. So what we need is an institution to teach people about this sort of thing.

So, I propose the 'College of Modern Life'. That's the name sorted, now we need someone to head it up.

My University: Head of School

AC Grayling is a famous, published academic who has a lot of powerful friends, and this makes him qualified to set up a higher-education institution, so we need someone to rival that. I've got my name on 2 academic

papers so far, this blog has been referenced by several big name scientists/skeptics (e.g. Ben Goldacre, PZ Myers, and so on), and Rhod Gilbert once said hello to me when he passed me in the street. That means I've got the qualifications to run this University, right? Doesn't matter if I don't, actually, as it's my idea. You want to set up your own? Go ahead, it'll be fun.

My University: The Professoriate

If we're really going to try and compete with the New College of the Humanities, we need one thing; famous people. Famous people who are qualified in the subject matter of the University itself. Luckily in this case, it being the University of Modern Life, that means we need famous people who are alive today, which opens the field up a bit. I was thinking of;

• Hale and Pace
  
• That guy from Big Brother who always wore a hat
  
• Steve Penk
  
• Margarita Pracatan
  
• All the members of the early 2000's pop band 'Girl Thing'
  
• Michaela Strachan
  
• Mr Motivator
  
• Keith Harris
  

Admittedly, I've never met any of these people nor had any form of contact with them, with the possible exception of having passed Keith Harris on a Blackpool pier in the rain (a very poignant moment). But I'm hoping they'll agree to it based on the fact that they're a) just famous enough to qualify as 'celebrities', b) seemingly not doing much these days, c) could benefit from the publicity and kudos of being affiliated to an academic institution, and, most importantly, d) still alive. Hope it all works out. Obviously, these people will presumably have the same role as their New Humanities counterparts; lending their name to the institution, making some token teaching efforts, then have nothing to do with the whole enterprise. Day to day teaching duties will be undertaken by a more general staff who will be selected using the classic 'who's bored and fancies killing an hour?'. It's never let me down before.

My University: The courses

Obviously, the range of courses will be quite broad, given that it covers modern life. It will also be constantly changing, unless life stops for some reason, although in the event of that happening adjustments to a curriculum would be the least of our concerns. But so far, here are what the University will offer to teach prospective students.

FASHION STUDIES

Modules Include:

• Underwear Exposure: How much is too much for the modern individual?
  
• Ironic cross-class garment adoption: From low-cut vests to Burberry.
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker awareness.
  
• Social-Circle Jerks: Acceptable dress sense for potential friends of the fashion conscious.
  
• Studied Nonchalance for beginners.
  
• Is Bigger Better: Just how big can accessories be before you look like a tw*t?
  
• Celebrity Uncertainty: Endorsed garments that are 'P Diddy' or 'MC Hammer'
  

MODERN COMMUNICATIONS

Modules Include:

• Txt Speek 4 L8 adoptors! J
  J
• Psychology of Blogging: How to deal with the realisation that nobody cares what you think
  
• Troll spotting and maintenance.
  
• Protest THIS!: preparing and constructing the ideal protest banner.
  
• Advanced Political Bullshit.
  
• "I'm not racist but…": Phrases to disguise your awful views
  
• You're all Wrong!: An introduction to newspaper column writing.
  
• "To BCC or not to BCC": Appropriate email etiquette for business communications
  
• Celebrity Tweeters: Why they aren't actually your friends.
  
• Wassuuupp?!?!: Annoying Catchphrases, past and present
  

TECHNOLOGICAL INTERACTION

Modules Include:

• CAPS LOCK: It can be turned off
  
• Smartphone Smugness: Why you're impressed by it, but nobody else gives a shit (some materials shared with 'Psychology of Blogging')
  
• Basic Car Handling: From "Accelerate, granddad!" to "Zzzz: sleeping at the wheel without dying horribly"
  
• Printer and Scanner combat: A guide to defeating the most enraging of devices
  
• Advanced Remote Control Handling: Including 'What is aspect ratio?' and 'turning off the Spanish subtitles'
  
• iWant!: The psychology behind your inexplicable desire for Steve Jobs' latest doohickey
  
• Live Streaming: No, it doesn't involve canoes.
  

SCIENCE APPRECIATION

Modules Include:

• Google Diagnosis: Why your doctor knows less than you.
  
• Scientific Fields that don't require a white coat.
  
• Acronyms Explained: Putting an end to those WTF moments.
  
• Dissecting a relationship: Achieving success with the opposite sex while being a scientist
  
• BOOM!: Which scientific field is most likely to destroy us all?
  
• The McKeith Effect: Using science terminology while talking out of your arse.
  
• Pseudo-Sci-Fi: A detailed study in the ridiculous things people actually believe are real.
  
• Cox Studies: An in-depth investigation of that man off the telly, and his hair.
  

SEXUAL STUDIES

Modules Include

• Anatomy of Women: Why 'Nuts' magazine has lied to you.
  
• Lesbianism: It's a sexual orientation, not an automatic occurrence
  
• Meeting the Parents: Introductions, relevant conversation, and escape routes
  
• The Morning After: When is the best time to leave?
  
• Effective Contraception: From prophylactics to porcelain dolls
  
• Think About Your Mother!: Dealing with prematureness
  
• Is this Normal?: A guide to acceptable fetishes, and when to bring them up.
  
• 'They might be Gay, but you might be ugly': Dealing with rejection and severe denial
  

LAW AND LEGAL STUDIES

Modules Include

• On a budget: Just how much law are you entitled to in your financial situation?
  
• Slippery Ladders and Too Hot Coffee: Introduction to getting others to pay for your own idiocy.
  
• A guide to Super-in[REDACTED]
  
• Libel, Slander and Outright Fabrications: Which legally questionable procedure is right for you?
  
• 'I thought of it first!': A guide to patent law and its abuses.
  
• Pleading insanity: An investigation into the inaccurate law perpetuated by Hollywood movies
  
• The Defence Rests: Legal procedures and processes that really aren't worth bothering with
  
• Jack of Kent: Is any other legal resource actually necessary?
  

My University: The Resources

In order to offer as professional and slick a system as possible, this University shall exploit the already existing resources of other institutions and businesses. Lectures will take place in my nearby Starbucks, a Wetherspoons pub before it gets too busy (this is a logical venue as most students end up here anyway, sometimes instead of at lectures), the Library (if we keep our voices down) or in a car park, as long as those assembled are quick on their feet. Network access will be provided by a 'guess the wifi password' system, favouring smarter students and thus giving us the edge on technical competence in our student pool. Exams will be allocated based on how much scrap paper and free time I have to spend on the venture. To save time, exam results will be dependent largely on the 'most legible handwriting' marking scheme.

My University: Fees

You get what you pay for. Fees currently stand at 50p and a Kit Kat (or national generic confection equivalent for foreign students). Buying your lecturers a coffee/pint will be considered an attempt at bribery and will not e discouraged in the slightest.

So, who wants to sign up?

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

"Dear Alternative Medicine, from Science" (No. 10)

This is recycled from an old blog, but seems more pertinent now so I've adapted it into a letter. Sort of a conciliatory gesture for the insanity involving spoons. I shouldn't adopt the persona of science post-wine, is what we learn from that.

Also, all contributions to the list welcome (read letter, then you'll understand). It won't stop the Alternative medicine brigade, but it might help pre-empt them somewhat.

"Dear Alternative Medicine

Hello, it's me, Science. Remember me? You should do, you've sued me often enough. Just further proof that Law is a whore (hey, that rhymes!). Just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know I'm thinking about you.

I plan to write to each individual aspect of you eventually. I would do it face-to-face, but that's not an option as you've banned me from all your meetings and gatherings. Also, us abstract concepts don't have faces per se, but I can't be certain you believe otherwise. It's not the stupidest thing you've put faith in thus far, admittedly.

As previously mentioned, your main response to me when I cast doubt on your wild, unverified claims is to sue. Seems easier than providing evidence, but then it doesn't really disprove my point. I've learned that your most devout adherents would scream in the face of reason until foaming at the mouth rather than doubt your claims, so I tend not to talk to them.

But don't think I don't learn from our interactions. That's pretty much exactly what my purpose is. Your purpose seems to be to come up with some vaguely plausible sounding theories, claim to able to use them to manipulate health by some bizarre mechanism, then charge obscene amounts for your special 'skills'. Often, you'll add a few big words so you'll sound like me and exploit my credibility. I haven't sued yet, but don't rule it out.

So, in order to limit any further spread of your influence, here are several alternative therapies that I've 'discovered'. If I catch any of your lot using them at any point, then I will sue you into oblivion. That'll make a nice change, won't it.

Organ-Shui

It's well established that the arrangement of your surroundings can make you feel good, and imbue a sense of wellness. Well, imagine how much better you would feel if your internal environment was correctly arranged? Modern life and the intrusions of modern medicine have enforced a disharmonious arrangement on our internal organs, but a brand new therapy now allows you to place your vital organs into a healthy, harmonious configuration. Think how much better does it feel when you re-arrange your external organs manually.

Sadly, the genitals are the only external organs available for manipulation to the untrained, but a number of techniques are available, all administered by a certified Nonsensica (tm) organ manipulator for a variety of bargain prices, all guaranteed to make you feel at least 67% more well and harmonious once the immediate pain and soreness that results from forced organ adjustment has worn off. These include

Kidney Synchronosis - £25

Liver Morphotosis - £45

Spinal Space contrarotation - £60

Brain-Skull repositioning - £100

Heart cavity Resetting - £150

Colonoscopic refinement - £3000

And many others. Book now to ensure you exist in a well balanced environment, inside and out.

NeoHomeopathy

It is well established that water retains a memory for all the active components that have been dissolved in it. But the water on this planet has been around for millions of years, so who could possibly know what has been in it at any point? Homeopathy can only go so far, but brand new techniques, pioneered by Nonsensica (tm), actually break down the structure of water itself through advanced 'electrolysis'. Water is reset to its original, primordial state.

All ill health in modern society can be traced to the consumption of contaminated water, so by purchasing your water from Nonsensica (tm) you can be among the healthiest people on Earth, providing you avoid all contact with non-reset water. From just £49.99 litre, re-set water prevents ill health, cures illness, and the special electrolysed reset water (£79.99 a litre) even contains residual electricity, giving you a spring in your step and more energised blood to aide respiration.

NutriVulcanism

Everyone knows that food grown in volcanic soil is better than standard food. And people who live on or around volcanoes live longer lives (barring eruptions). Clearly, the energies of mother Earth itself are infused into their diet, and now they can be for yours too. At just £9.99 a sachet, you can now add the minerals and nutrients of materials that are 100% guaranteed to have been part of a high energy natural process to your food and drink (but not soft drinks, the poisonous caustic properties of these tend to denature the active elements).

Simply purchase your £9.99 sachets from Nonsensica (tm), or £18.99 for the extra dense materials which provide even more energy and goodness to your system, and add them to your meals. Obviously, the raw energies of the Earth are too much for some people, so you may not feel benefits straight away, but any ill effects are purely due to your body adapting to the new powers it is being exposed to. Embrace the Earth, it's the best idea you'll ever have!

Autoelevatory therapy

"On top of the World". "As high as a kite". "Up, up and away". All positive sayings. And have you ever noticed the top athletes train at high altitudes in order to achieve the best performance? What do all these things have in common? That's right, Height!

Humans evolved from tree dwelling creatures and mountain dwelling life forms. Since we crawled out of the primordial seas, we've always aspired to get higher and higher. Clearly, our bodies crave to be higher than all others. This is why tall people are so much happier than short ones and midgets.

Our social and physical ills can be traced to a lack of height in our daily lives, but help is now available. Nonsensica (tm) now offer specially designed autoelevator slip-ins for your shoes. These painstakingly designed elevators (£59.99 each) fit snugly into your everyday shoes and mould to the natural shape of your feet, but raise your average height by crucial inches in a manner utterly dissimilar to that of high-heels or platform shoes. Unless your ideal body height is greater than that provided by the autoelevators, you will feel a noticeable sense of well being and health that can only come from being 'high'.

So yeah. Those are mine now. You can't have them.

You're cynically

Science (BA hons)

(Also, for the rational people, here's what you get for the money.

Organ-Shui = A rather aggressive, inexpert massage.

Neo-Homeopathy = Distilled water, with a dash of lemon juice. 2 dashes for the electrolysed type.

Nutrivulcanism = Wood ash, with added grit for the denser sachets.

Autoelevatory therapy. = Two large lumps of wax, the kind they use for ear plugs).

Please add more if you can think of them.

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

"Dear Economics, from Science" (No. 4)

Wrote this when ill, so if it shows a marked drop in quality, that might be why. Or I'm just crap, can't completely rule that out.

"Dear Economics

Hope this letter finds you well, but I'd settle for conscious. It's me, the anthropomorphic personification of Science. I'm writing to you because all the intangible concepts that form elements of society told me to. Apparently, when it comes to revealing things that people don't want to hear that are nevertheless true, I'm the expert. I can't argue that, your friend Politics usually does the opposite, and Religion hasn't spoken to me cordially since the whole Darwin thing. To be honest, unless you count the occasional screaming fit and frequent burning bags of 'organic waste' lobbed at me, Religion doesn't speak to me at all any more.

To be honest, everyone thinks I'm a bit autistic. I couldn't care less either way, but that supports their argument when you think about it.

But I digress, so I'll just get to the point.

WHERE THE HELL IS ALL OUR STUFF!?!?!?

Seriously, where in Newton's name has it all gone? I've heard about these people who selflessly allow friends/relatives with drug problems to stay with them, then end up with all their possessions sold for smack and their trusted friend/relative slumped in the corner of the now-empty front room, dribbling and giggling. That's exactly what you've done. And no, the giggling is not endearing. And that 'whoops! Clumsy me!' expression is far from amusing.

Thing is, you haven't emptied someone's home, you've flogged the house several times over! We all put you in charge of all the money because you assured us you knew what you were doing. This is something myself and Mathematics were dubious of from the start, but no-one listens to use because we're boring, apparently. And I admit it was sort of a relief, nobody would object if someone offered too do their accounts, at least not until the point where they find themselves eating out of bins.

Help me understand here. A lot of the things you do to 'regulate' and 'control' the flow of commerce are really confusing. And that's ME saying that. Science! I understand quantum wave functions. I pretty much invented complexity. A lot of the time, your behaviour made it look like you were making it up as you went along. Turns out, you were making it up as you went along.

What are you, a chiropractor? What sort of idiot bases a system INTEGRAL TO SOCIETY on the ridiculously fragile grounding of people's temporary optimism? As far as I can tell, the strength of the stock market depends largely on how much money people expect to get from certain actions. If we'd known that was what you were doing we might as well have put Astrology in charge. At least he'd make predictions based on celestial configurations, something he can't control. You make predictions based on how much money you think you'll make, and the amount of money you make is determined by the predictions of how much money you'll make? And you don't see anything wrong with this? It's self-referential! It's a closed system! And haven't you heard of the the second law of thermodynamics? No, you probably haven't. To be honest, I'm not sure to what extent physical laws apply to entirely made-up systems. I'll leave that one to Philosophy.

(That reminds me, I haven't visited her in a while, I really should, but then she does tend to babble on about stuff I don't really have any interest in, but then that's the same with most elderly parents I hear. Sorry, where was I?...)

Maybe I've got this completely wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, I've got a bit of a blind spot when it comes to people's behaviour. Maybe you operate according to something else entirely. Please, enlighten me if so. I prefer to study complex systems and try and figure them out so they become understandable; you seem to have done the reverse. It's impressive in a way, but also makes it quite easy to work things for your own benefit without people realising.

Not that I'm accusing you of anything underhanded of course (despite the megatons of evidence to support that claim). I know Law tends to weigh in on your behalf whenever anyone does. Utterly spineless sometimes, that guy. So much so that I'm reworking the biology classifications to put Lawyers and Jellyfish in the same genus. A bit harsh, admittedly; Jellyfish never sting people on purpose.

I suppose you are to be commended in some ways. I would have sworn it was impossible to violate the principle of conservation of mass, yet you've managed to make something like a trillion dollars just vanish! It's very impressive, it's as if Physics were to tell me he'd lost the moon. Seriously, where did it go? Have you checked down the back of the sofa? That's where my money sometimes ends up. Of course, that much loose change down the back of the couch means you'd end up sat somewhere in the ionosphere, but might be worth a look.

Seriously man, you have a problem. A junkie always hurts those around him. Look at Environment! Could you at least clean up your act long enough to stop repeatedly kicking her in the face? We need her a hell of a lot more than we need you. And don't think we don't know that Politics is enabling you, he's given you all our stuff so you can indulge your filthy habits. Meanwhile I've got particle physicists here who are having to do work with bloody abacuses! You could argue that what they do is 'non-essential'. And what you do is? Bovine faeces!

Anyway, the rest of the guys might be afraid of you, but I'm not. You want me and Technology to keep supplying you with things to sell to fund your habit? Not happening. Your guys make ten times as much as my guys on average, so don't play the bleeding heart angle with me. Most addicts go to rehab, they don't get given other peoples valuables just so they can keep getting high.

Sort it out, dickhead!

Yours increasingly angrily

Science (BA hons)

P.S. Have I introduced you to my friend Logic? You guys should meet, you clearly need him in your life.

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy