"Dear Women, from Science" (No. 11)

I sincerely hope people actually read the following before deciding that I need castrating for being a sexist pig or what have you.

"Dear Women,

This is the anthropomorphic personification of Science, with an open letter to all women everywhere.

Hello

Please forgive my using the bare minimum of polite small talk, even in a letter, but I'm afraid time is of the essence and I can't afford delays. The fact of the matter is that, despite my best efforts, recent budget problems (thanks to economy, that git) coupled with my attention being taken up by homeopaths, chiropractors, antivaxxers and the rest (it's like having fleas, being constantly besieged by armies of mindless parasites who want my blood but have no understanding as to why), it appears I've been caught off guard, and a serious problem may be imminent.

I'll be blunt. There is another potential pandemic in the making. I just managed to spot swine-flu in time to give everyone the heads up, although it still may end up being devastating (thanks again to the antivaxxers, why don't they just pour cyanide in the reservoirs and speed up the process? As long as it doesn't cause autism, right?). However, there is another virus which appears to have completely passed me by, and from what little evidence I have been able to gather, if it does get any more virulent it could wipe out mankind. I am writing to all women because, by some quirk of biology or serendipity, you appear to be able to accurately identify and diagnose this virus without training or expertise.

I have classed it as influenza masculinus, but it is more commonly known as 'man flu'. I have no idea how a species-specific gender-specific virus of such potency could become so widespread in the population while completely escaping my notice. But sadly, that appears to be the case. And in case you doubt my credentials in this area, bear in mind it was me who discovered the atom. It was down the back of the sofa (amongst other places). So my observational skills are unsurpassed. I even devised to observer effect!

The worrying aspect is that the majority of woman claiming to have witnessed a victim of influenza masculinus appear to treat the sufferer with a degree of contempt, amusement and ridicule, which is behaviour uncommon in women (or so my expert behavioural analysts tell me, although they're largely unattractive bloated men, so are probably working from theories alone). This is without doubt the worst possible course of action/behaviour. Until my people are able to isolate the virus and develop a treatment, please treat all likely cases with extreme caution.

Although there have been no confirmed cases as yet of influenza masculinus transferring between genders, I cannot stress enough how potentially dangerous such an occurrence would be. All of my available data suggests that it would be extremely virulent, and the more vindictive females would have to find new targets for ridicule, as mocking a disease sufferer while suffering from the same illness would be illogical, and I can't imagine an illogical woman! (admittedly, I'm not known for my powers of imagination).

If this does not convince you, consider logic. The male victim is often mocked for his inability to function normally while suffering from the infection, and is ridiculed for his perceived lack of stamina in comparison to the typical female. However, male bravado in the face of physical discomfort is a far more prevalent behaviour, however unnecessary it may be. Males are often seen to be engaging in activities which are highly likely to cause significant physical distress (e.g. contact sports, heavy drinking, drug abuse, sexual intercourse with Paris Hilton etc.). The fact that they succumb to this virus should be deeply troubling.

Biologically, there is also cause for alarm. It is undeniable that males have evolved to be more resilient to damage and physical harm, so a virus that could so effectively undermine the male system must be potent indeed. By my calculations, should a woman be infected with influenza masculinus, she will be instantly killed. The manner of death depends on the effect on the metabolism the virus has, but I've narrowed it down to instantly liquefying (i.e. Ebola, only much, much worse) or spontaneous combustion. Either way, it'll be messy.

The fact that no woman has ever been reported to be infected with 'man flu' is something I have to attribute to an evolved trait of the virus; it would be detrimental to the virus to thoroughly obliterate its host before it has a chance to spread, so it has evolved to avoid the more fragile hosts (and then, as previously stated, no women who was infected with the standard virus would last long enough to report it or be diagnosed). But it could only be a matter of time before a mutated (weaker) form of the virus starts killing females, so I must ask for your assistance, for your sake as well as mine. There is also the possibility of the virus becoming more potent among men, which could eventually wipe out most of the men on Earth. And before you open the champagne to celebrate your feminist utopia, are you so sure a world of women would be a positive thing? Two words; Heat Magazine.

Please, avoid contact with all sufferers of man flu. Seeing as you're only going to ridicule them anyway, you've not really lost anything (I believe the refusal of males to seek medical help coupled with the dismissive attitude of women is what caused this lack of awareness on my part). And pass on a message to any men you believe to be suffering with the illness, tell them to report to me (or more accurately, my doctors) as I need all the data I can get if I'm going to fight this thing.

I have also investigated the possibility of influenza femininus (woman flu). There is some evidence to suggest that it exists and that men can catch it, but they don't show any serious symptoms. According to anecdotal evidence, men suffering woman flu can display a range of symptoms, such as 'mild hangover', 'nothing at all' to 'bellowing laughter while ripping a phone-book in half'. Still, I'll look into it.

Be alert ladies, I'm counting on you to save the world (possibly)

love and kisses

Science (BA hons)"

Now you can kick me in the nuts (should our paths cross)

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

"Dear Advertising, from Science" (No. 6)

One for the weekend. "When will it end?!?", I hear you shout. As soon as people stop reading it, I reply.

"Dear Advertising

I'm writing to you on the advice of my lawyers (I have about three). Please pass this message on to Marketing too, as almost all of this applies to him too. To be completely truthful, it wouldn't surprise me if you guys were the same person. I would say "I've never seen the two of you together" to support my argument, but seeing as you're both abstract concepts that's not surprising. But then so am I, so I can write to you and you'd better bloody read it or I'll come and find you.

Rest assured, I'll work out how, what with being Science and all.

Stop mentioning me in your work! Seriously, cut that crap out. We don't work together, I don't endorse you, if anything I wish you'd just piss off and die in a ditch, or some other filth-filled location, I'm not fussy. You make the money for all of Businesses evil henchmen, and they tempt my lot to go work with them on projects which are utterly meaningless. and generally detrimental to society. So to then claim I'm endorsing or somehow involved in the crap your flogging is just like a massive kick in the nether regions. Using my own leg. That you ripped off without asking.

I'll make this even simpler; I don't like you! I have to spend countless hours (on a shoestring budget) explaining to people the fundamental discoveries I've made, and they barely listen. You, however, get millions to spend and all the media exposure you want, and look what you do with it! And what's worse, it ends up making my lot look stupid!

Just to clarify, here's a brief list of things that, despite your claims, scientists don't spend any time researching;

• "What brand of cat-food cats prefer", especially when given a choice of '2'. A non-reasoning animal making an arbitrary choice between 2 options does not provide useful information. No, not even if it was a double blind. Anyway, aren't cats arrogant enough without extensive study into what particular type of reconstituted offal they will deign to consume? This is not a valid use of research funding.
• The design of the toothbrush is pretty much fixed now. A tweak here or there is fine, but one of us could do that on a Sunday morning while waiting for the centrifuge cycle to finish. It's not a series of monumental breakthroughs, as you seem to imply. And electric toothbrushes aren't much better. If you're the sort of person who can't be bothered to move your arm for a minute when cleaning your own teeth then they're screwed anyway, might as well glue a brush to a sex toy and call it good. And don't try the whole '4 out of 5 dentists recommend...' approach either. Dentists are overworked individuals who have to spend all their working lives fiddling about in the mouths of people who probably don't brush; they'd recommend daily bleach gargling if it made their lives easier.
• On a similar note, there aren't armies of scientists and technicians working on the next big development in disposable razor blade technology. It's a simple system, just add 1 more blade to the existing number then triple the price. Then wait until every posing vain idiot has bought one, then claim that, actually, 'the best number of blades on a razor is one more than we thought'. Repeat until disposable blades are bigger than the human face, then say 'oh no, wait, just the one blade is better'. Cycle repeats.
  

Just a few examples there of things I'm not involved with in any great way. But you also need to stop criticising the stuff I am involved with.

I've spent decades working with the food industry to make food more commercially viable, better tasting and long lasting, and then you imply that I'm basically pissing in it? Oh no, now you go and really emphasise 'natural' ingredients. Like what? Arsenic? Sulphur? Magma? Mmm, natural! And everything is natural at some point, before it undergoes processing, as I've not yet cracked the process of creating fresh matter from sunbeams or happy thoughts. Have you? I notice you never stipulate how 'natural' something is in relative terms, which isn't even slightly suspicious, of course.

I genuinely saw a bag of crisps the other day which boasted the claim 'Made of REAL ingredients'. I was reassured, those holographic crisps are never as good, and it's nice to have the possibility that we are all part of the Matrix ruled out by a fried potato snack.

And another thing, stop using my words when you clearly have no idea what they mean! 'High in polyunsaturates'? 'Contains Omega 3'? 'Rich in antioxidants'? You don't have a clue, do you? Why are these good things? Are they, in fact, good things? The phrase 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' has never been one that I've adhered to, so I use my own.

"If you don't have any idea what you're saying, shut your stupid face!"

It's potentially dangerous, too. How many things do you say 'help boost the immune system'? 'Boost'? That must be a good thing, of course. What harm could an artificially increased immune system do? Tell me, are you familiar with the term Anaphylactic shock? I doubt it. But if I'm wrong, and you have discovered a manner to quickly and easily improve someones immune system, could you at least do the decent thing and let me know how? I have some AIDS sufferers who'd love to hear about it, and it would save a lot of time looking for bone marrow.

Speaking of discoveries, isn't it illegal to claim to have discovered something when you haven't? Case in point, that Oil of Olay crap where the secret ingredient is pentapeptides? A string of 5 amino-acids? If this is such an incredible achievement, can you point me in the direction of an organic compound that doesn't have any pentapeptides? Take your time. What does the next miracle cream contain? Revolutionary new 'atoms'? Ooh, wizz-bang!

But seriously, stop it. Stop telling people we're in agreement, stop using my words to confuse them and stop telling them that my work is bad for them.

There is some science to advertising, admittedly. You know how almost every system or process can be boiled down to a series of equations? Here's the equation for advertising.

N = n+1

N = Necessary number of things/services for an individual
n = Number they already posses.

There. That's it. All of advertising rests on this equation. Everyone needs one more of something, be it shoes, computers or level of whiteness provided by a washing powder.Of course, if they obtain one more of whatever it is, N become n. And so it goes on.

If this equation stops, you will cease to exist. I'm working with Maths to try and figure out how to make that happen.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

P.S. That equation also seems to calculate the required number of films about 'Shrek', but I think this is a coincidence

email: humourology (at) live.co.uk
Twitter: @garwboy


N.B. After writing this, was reminded of several instances where advertising has been used as a force for good, such as the Atheist Bus Campaign. I really should have titled it a letter to 'advertising which incorrectly uses science for comemrcial gain', but that would have been quite unwieldy