"Dear Psychics, from Science" (No. 24)

Not done one of these for a while, hope I'm not too rusty. Anyone think it's time the grief-exploiting crowd-pleasing liars that are psychics get a bit of a communique to the smartest of all anthropomorphic personifications?

Too bad if you don't because that's what I'm doing.

"Dear Psychics

Hello, it's me, T.A.P.O Science.

(By the way, T.A.P.O = the anthropomorphic personification of-, just so you know. I put that in to save a bit of time when writing this, but on reflection the act of explaining it appears to have lengthened my passage massively [fnarr!] so it's been a waste of time. But speaking of gargantuan wastes of time, back to you...)

This missive is an attempt to try and reconcile our differences. For starters, I won't be making the obvious jokes about 'why don't you read my mind?' when referring to our methods of communication. I wouldn't expect you to be read my mind, even if you genuinely could/can, as I am the personification of all human scientific knowledge and wisdom; attempting to read my mind would be akin to cleaning your ears out with an industrial sandblaster, so I'd advise you not to.

But it's often pointed out to me that I 'don't know what the mind is capable of''. And you know what? It's true. I will hold my metaphorical hands up and admit it; the mind is very much a grey area to me. It's generated by the grey matter too, which seems appropriate. But the mind is something that is presently unquantifiable, unqualifiable, unmeasurable and largely unknowable with the tools currently available to me (rest assured, I'm working on that).

This is why most people think the properties of mind are largely debated by philosophers. Even my behavioural scientists study neural activity and map it onto behaviour, skipping the bit with mind.

There's gaps in my knowledge, is what I'm saying. And hell, given the weird complex nature of quantum physics, parallel realities and the observer effect, who's to say mind reading, predicting the future or even speaking to the dead is impossible?

Although invoking the use of Quantum properties to read minds throws up even more questions, what with the fact that the properties of quantum mechanics means that quantum information cannot be copied, only transferred (a process which destroys the original). Reading someone's mind would effectively wipe it, and that would never do. That would mean that people who choose to go and see psychics would be very ill-informed, credulous and ignorant individuals who believe whatever their told, and I think we'd have noticed if that was the case!

So, I'm not saying that what you claim you can do is impossible. The claim that YOU can do it, I find ridiculous, but for now let's take you at your word. So if your claims are genuine and you wish to gain some valuable credibility, would you be so kind as to clear up the following points?

1: I notice that the majority of your public displays involve instances of imparting personal details about people, speaking to their deceased loved ones and making 'accurate' predictions about their lives. Please, what is the telepathy/necromancy/clairvoyancy ratio a proper psychic must possess? Or is it like Biology/Chemistry/Physics to a scientist? i.e. You tend to pick up bits of all of them if you get seriously involved in the field?

If this is the case, do you have the equivalents of doctors and professors? Specialists who focus on one specific area? E.g. Predicting future events that occur on Tuesday afternoons between 3.45 and 5.0, contacting people who died in the Victorian era of the pox? Please, enlighten me.

2: The tarot card thing, is that anything to do with you? I was just wondering how darkly lit rooms and ornate clothing helps predict the future via the medium of randomly shuffled pictures of things?

3: Speaking of cards, someone who can predict the future and read minds would be unstoppable in a casino. Do you ever have trouble when you fancy a gamble? My people get in trouble for just being aware of probabilities, so you guys must have one hell of a time. What's the official casino policy when you show up? And before you argue that using our powers to gamble would be unethical, bear in mind you seem to make most of your profit exploiting the bereaved and/or gullible.

4: Why do dead people stutter so much? It's true that the causes of stuttering are psychological in many cases, some sort of performance anxiety is believed to be an issue, but I'd have guessed that 'dying' would rule out most concerns on that basis. If it was a physical stutter then having no physical form would surely sort that out. But every time you talk to them it's always 'D- d- d- d- da- da- da- dav - dav- Dave? No, Dav- Davina? yes, I meant Davina'. Often, even when you're talking to a live person, supposedly reading their mind, they mentally stutter but no vocally. What's that about? Or is it the rate at which you can receive information is quite low, like dial up internet? Why not just wait for the full message to download then, people wouldn't mind and it would probably take less time that the whole 'shout out letters and hope somebody recognises what I'm saying' approach.

5: Do you hear peoples thoughts (dead and alive) constantly, or is it only when you're being paid to do so? If it's the former it must get annoying, especially in the shower and places like that. And how come you don't just eventually snap and run screaming naked down the street with your head in a lead bucket? If you can control it, what part of the brain is it that's processing the stimuli? I've looked through all the lobes and I can't seem to find any nucleus or region that seems to fit the bill. There's the limbic system of course, which activates when you lie. Just saying...

6: How do you get on with Christians? You push the argument of there being an afterlife (which they like) but also dabble in undeniably occult practices (which they really don't). I would include the other religions in this question too, but like the Christians, they keep saying it's none of my business. I'd be fine with that if it was a two way thing, but they keep interfering with my textbooks and I'm supposed to just sit there and take it? I'm the one with the nukes and the Universe-imploding accelerators, they have old books and shouting.

7: Do you ever channel animals? That sounds like it would be hilarious.

So yeah. I'm sure there are other issues, but if you could answer these questions for now that would be great. Please reply via any physical means you can (if you attempt to send it via psychic link, you'll just get a 'busy' signal).

Love and kisses

Science (BA Hons)

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

"Dear Homeopathy, from Science" (No. 2)

(The last one suddenly got very popular, so here's another. Number 2 of several, the latest are here)

Dear Homeopathy

Hello. Science here. Thought I'd better introduce myself, seeing as how we've never met. I know you like to give people the impression that you work closely with me, and that I'm somewhat envious of you so try to suppress you, but seeing as we both know the truth, I have to ask; Who are you and what do you want?
Surely we can be adult about this? I know we have our differences. I'm the anthropomorphic representation of the concept of science, a millennia-old field of study and learning based on the establishing of evidence and rational theories, vital to the functioning and progression of society, and you're... you. What are you exactly? I ask because I'm genuinely confused. You seem to want people to think you're a valid aspect of what I do, while simultaneously telling people what I do is wrong? Seems contradictory, is all.
Did you ever meet that guy who was a professional skydiver even though he didn't believe in gravity? No, of course you didn't, that never happened because it would be ridiculous. Am I being too subtle here? Don't overlook the fact that the guy in the comparison I just made up would no doubt have ended up having to be buried in a bucket, that's something you might want to be careful of if you carry on like you're doing.
I've noticed you do tend to talk and act like on of my team. Interesting, especially when you consider that the actual things you say are utterly bonkers. You've done no actual science of your own, so where do you get all your big words from? On an unrelated note, I noticed that someone had been going through my rubbish the other day. Nothing missing, just a few old papers. I'm not saying you took them, I don't think that. I don't think you can even read, truth be told.
Lets talk about water? The stuff you claim to understand better than most (ALL!) of my people. You know, that stuff that covers 2/3rds of the planet? The same stuff that exists in more different states than you can imagine (depending on the surrounding conditions, look it up)? The stuff on which all life depends? The stuff which is actually lighter when solid than when in a liquid state thus allowing Earth's Biosphere to exist? That stuff that should have a much lower boiling point than it actually does, chemically speaking? You're right, it isn't interesting enough.
So water has a memory. Do you know how long the water on this planet has been around? I'll tell you; 4 billion years at least. Possibly a lot longer if it formed in the dust cloud out of which the planets coalesced (if what I'm saying is too complex for you, I couldn't care less. Harsh I know, what sort of bastard deliberately bamboozles someone with big words and concepts they can't understand? Shocking behaviour, isn't it). Point is, 4 billion years is a long time, enough time to pass through hundreds of thousands of urinary tracts, from coelacanthes to dinosaurs to mammals to Jack Black. Why would water want to remember that!?! Blessed forgetfulness is its only hope, you cruel sods.
Just to point out, not everyone who disagrees with you is in league with 'Big Pharma'. I'll confess, the pharmaceutical companies aren't exactly my finest hour. But in my defence, it was Business' idea. I hung around with him for a while in the 80's, and you know what he was like back then. I was lucky to get out with my fillings in place. I admit, I still work with him for Big Pharma. I could sever all ties with them, but then they'd have no actual medicine, and people would die. Imagine that, a multi-billion pound company, selling sick people medicine that doesn't actually work! I could never live with myself. How much are your retailers worth, just out of interest?
I know this letter may seem overly confrontational and aggressive, but whenever one of my guys questions one of your guys, that's how you behave, so I assume it's some sort of cultural thing that I have to do to be polite? Like farting after a meal; just because it seems distasteful to me, doesn't mean other people don't appreciate it. I can respect that.
But please, make up your mind. Either you hate me, or you are a valid member of my group. Have you considered the possibility you have multiple personality disorder, or some sort of schizophrenia? If you do, I have some pills for that. Do you? If so you might want to take them. Although you may have been taking them for months for all the difference it would make.
Did you ever see that Eminem music video for his song 'Stan'? It's where a crazed fan become obsessed with him, and tries to emulate everything Eminem does, and copies his image, then goes insane when he can't be with him and doesn't get the acknowledgement he thinks he deserves for no rational reason, and ends up killing his girlfriend and unborn child. And himself.
That's you that is. It's an ideal comparison. I'm Eminem (very popular but not particularly liked or understood by anyone, and say quite harsh things a lot of the time). You want my respect and credibility for no real reason, and when you get things your own way people get hurt. Or killed. I won't say people definitely get killed because that's libelous, and you guys are very quick to sue. I can understand that, it's easier than proving your wild claims.
So, just to sum up. Stop your crap! You want to sell non-existent water-based cures to people who can't be bothered to think, be my guest. But keep claiming that I'm trying to suppress you, and I'll just have to take action. Specifically, I'll make people choose; they can either take treatments developed by you or me, but not both. Think you can endure the long haul? I'd give you six days, max.
Anyway, my mother (Philosophy) always taught me to end on a positive note, so I have o say I admire your consistency with your thinking. You argue that the more dilute a substance is, the more potent it is. When guys who work for me point out the overwhelming evidence against this belief, you always cite the instances where there was some vaguely ambiguous evidence to support you. That's not ignorance, that's consistence. Clearly, the more dilute the evidence the more potent it is. By your own logic, you definitely work, so well done there.

Love and Kisses

Science (BA hons)

Twitter: @garwboy