My second application for a job as a Homeopath

A significantly higher than normal number of people appear to have read my previous application to be a homeopath. So thanks for that.

I was one of several scientists/skeptics who applied for the position, so competition is stiff. However, it appears that the potential employee, NHS Tayside, has tried to deal with this abundance of pseudo-applicants by effectively moving the goalposts, so to speak.

It appears that most, if not all of those who applied have been sent a hard-copy (known in the old days as 'paper', I believe) set of forms to apply for the position in response to our 'expression of interest in the position'. An understandable strategy, maybe? I don't think they can legally just throw applications in the bin, for all that they're blatantly cynical efforts to ridicule an institution for wasting ever decreasing public funds. This way, they allow all the 'applicants' to pursue their application further should they wish to do so, while (probably correctly) assuming that those just taking the piss won't have the time or inclination to go through all the forms.

And, quite tellingly, have removed the 'statement in support of application' section which provided the bulk of the mirth and scorn in the blogosphere

However, they underestimate how unemployed I am, and the fact that, unlike most skeptics, my background has given me extensive experience with pushing a joke to breaking point and beyond. So here, for your perusal, are the forms I have sent back to NHS Tayside.

(N.B. My handwriting is, undeniably, shocking. This is true of all doctors, we actually have to undergo an intense 3-month penmanship disruption course before we're even eligible to submit a thesis or sit a final exam)

They also requested 4 copies of my CV. Being a job vacancy for a homeopath, I realised that a comprehensive summary of my scientific credentials would, if anything, work against me. I have also filled in a number of job applications recently, so have received all the regular advice about CVs. The main recommendations is that they be eye-catching, concise, clear and memorable. As a result, my CV is rendered largely in cartoon form.

(N.B. As it turns out, my drawing skills are even worse than my handwriting. This may be due to the aforementioned handwriting disruption course, or my scientist's subconscious mind resisting any attempt I make to engage in a form of 'art'. You choose)

Also, they asked for a copy of my passport.

So there you go. If I hear anything back form them, I'll post it here asap

Dean

e-mail: Humourology@live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy

My application for a job as a Homeopath

(The follow-up to this post is now up here, and the THIRD application for another vacancy is here)

So, as the excellent blog by twitterer and skeptic xtaldave points out, NHS Tayside are advertising for a £68,000 a year homeopath, despite having to sack about 500 people due to budget cuts. As a form of polite rebellion, he encouraged as many real scientists and skeptics as possible to follow his example and apply for the job. I'm bored and jobless, and after being urged to do so by Scientology-baiter Councillor John Dixon I thought I'd contribute my satirical skills to the fun.

And in the same style as xtaldave, what follows is what I wrote on the titular section on my application form that I have sent off. I swear blind that this is word for word what I put.

STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF YOUR APPLICATION:

I am keen to apply for this position as I am currently seeking work in the Scientific field. However, I am also considering non-scientific work, and the position of Speciality Doctor of Homeopathy seems ideally suited to the latter category.

I am a qualified doctor of Neuroscience, so am aware of many long and complex words which I often use to convince people I know what I’m talking about, when in reality I am just exploiting their ignorance for my own amusement. As such, I feel I would be an ideal candidate for the post of doctor of homeopathy. Ridiculous claims that I have successfully convinced people are true include the following:

· Australia is actually a different planet

· McDonalds make all their burgers in one restaurant in the USA and sends them around the world at supersonic velocities in hydraulic tubes (hence the squashed, flattened look of most burgers)

· Hiccups that last more than 2 minutes are an indicator of final stage lung cancer (the resulting terror of this diagnosis usually cures the sufferers hiccups immediately).

· The North and South Pole are actually the same place; it just looks different depending on how you the direction from which you approach it.

As you can see, I am highly skilled at convincing people that ludicrous notions are factually correct, and as such I would appreciate the opportunity to put this skill to use in the workplace.

Although not a registered homeopath myself, I am completely familiar with all the literature that proves the efficacy of homeopathic remedies. Other things I am familiar with to a similar extent are the number of palm trees on the moon and every Richard Littlejohn article which doesn’t read like it was written by a bile-filled screaming anus with a pen jammed in it.

As stated, I am not currently a registered member of the Faculty of Homeopaths, I am however a member of several institutions of similar levels of prestige and credibility, e.g. I currently own a Blockbuster Video card, and technically my membership of the Desperate Dan fan club was never cancelled, so I may qualify for a senior position in that long-running organisation.

Regarding the practical aspects of Homeopathy, although I have no certified training in the practice, whenever I make squash I don’t add much cordial, so am pretty good at diluting things. I also tend to pour a lot of bleach down my toilet whenever I clean it, to the extent that I worry that I may be personally responsible for the decline in cod stocks in the North sea, so clearly I have a very tenuous grasp on the effect of substantial dilution on the potency of a chemical, which could be easily ignored in favour of the salary offered for this position.

My personal research into homeopathy reveals that, following dilution, a homeopathic remedy should be ‘succussed’, which appears to be a specific style of striking, usually with a leather book or perhaps other leather-clad objects. I have, admittedly, never practiced succussion, but I believe (should the post require it) that I shall be able to perform this procedure with no difficulty. Although I have, as I say, no direct experience, I did once affectionately pat a cow at a petting zoo. I have also worked as a cook in several kitchens and tenderised many steaks as part of these roles. A reversal of these two actions would logically lend itself to successful succession. I also have an uncle Greg who has extensive experience with striking things with leather (although he is legally banned from working with, for or anywhere near the general public following the scandal with the rooster, the toaster and the mail-order bride, so I shall only seek his professional advice if the situation genuinely requires it)

Unlike the majority of scientists, amongst which I count myself, I do not believe homeopathic remedies have anything to do with the Placebo effect. Although I find some of their songs (e.g. Nancy Boy) quite catchy, the ambiguous gender of Placebo’s lead singer does make me feel uncomfortable and definitely not aroused in any way (although I can’t say the same for uncle Greg). Homeopathy has never provoked any similar effect in me, so I find the comparison nonsensical.

It's true that there are many laws of chemistry, biology, physics, mathematics and basic reality that would prevent homeopathy from existing as is described in the real world, but I like a challenge. I would also bring more benefits to the role and therefore the hospital as a whole than someone specifically trained in homeopathy. The government recently stated that homeopathy should be available on the NHS as a matter of patient choice. I would be willing to offer patients an even greater deal of choice regarding treatment methods, up to an including exorcism and trepanning. More choice for the same money would mean even greater savings for the hospital and NHS overall.

I hope you will consider me as an applicant. To show my commitment to the role, I have provided as little information as possible on my application form, under the assumption that the smaller the amount the more potent it is. Therefore, I expect to be awarded the position, and a promotion and a raise before I even start.

I am a well-rounded, highly qualified candidate and enthusiastic proponent of teaching and promoting evidence based science to the general public and encouraging others to do the same. I need the money though, so am willing to say balls to all that if I get the job.

e-mail: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

"Dear Psychics, from Science" (No. 24)

Not done one of these for a while, hope I'm not too rusty. Anyone think it's time the grief-exploiting crowd-pleasing liars that are psychics get a bit of a communique to the smartest of all anthropomorphic personifications?

Too bad if you don't because that's what I'm doing.

"Dear Psychics

Hello, it's me, T.A.P.O Science.

(By the way, T.A.P.O = the anthropomorphic personification of-, just so you know. I put that in to save a bit of time when writing this, but on reflection the act of explaining it appears to have lengthened my passage massively [fnarr!] so it's been a waste of time. But speaking of gargantuan wastes of time, back to you...)

This missive is an attempt to try and reconcile our differences. For starters, I won't be making the obvious jokes about 'why don't you read my mind?' when referring to our methods of communication. I wouldn't expect you to be read my mind, even if you genuinely could/can, as I am the personification of all human scientific knowledge and wisdom; attempting to read my mind would be akin to cleaning your ears out with an industrial sandblaster, so I'd advise you not to.

But it's often pointed out to me that I 'don't know what the mind is capable of''. And you know what? It's true. I will hold my metaphorical hands up and admit it; the mind is very much a grey area to me. It's generated by the grey matter too, which seems appropriate. But the mind is something that is presently unquantifiable, unqualifiable, unmeasurable and largely unknowable with the tools currently available to me (rest assured, I'm working on that).

This is why most people think the properties of mind are largely debated by philosophers. Even my behavioural scientists study neural activity and map it onto behaviour, skipping the bit with mind.

There's gaps in my knowledge, is what I'm saying. And hell, given the weird complex nature of quantum physics, parallel realities and the observer effect, who's to say mind reading, predicting the future or even speaking to the dead is impossible?

Although invoking the use of Quantum properties to read minds throws up even more questions, what with the fact that the properties of quantum mechanics means that quantum information cannot be copied, only transferred (a process which destroys the original). Reading someone's mind would effectively wipe it, and that would never do. That would mean that people who choose to go and see psychics would be very ill-informed, credulous and ignorant individuals who believe whatever their told, and I think we'd have noticed if that was the case!

So, I'm not saying that what you claim you can do is impossible. The claim that YOU can do it, I find ridiculous, but for now let's take you at your word. So if your claims are genuine and you wish to gain some valuable credibility, would you be so kind as to clear up the following points?

1: I notice that the majority of your public displays involve instances of imparting personal details about people, speaking to their deceased loved ones and making 'accurate' predictions about their lives. Please, what is the telepathy/necromancy/clairvoyancy ratio a proper psychic must possess? Or is it like Biology/Chemistry/Physics to a scientist? i.e. You tend to pick up bits of all of them if you get seriously involved in the field?

If this is the case, do you have the equivalents of doctors and professors? Specialists who focus on one specific area? E.g. Predicting future events that occur on Tuesday afternoons between 3.45 and 5.0, contacting people who died in the Victorian era of the pox? Please, enlighten me.

2: The tarot card thing, is that anything to do with you? I was just wondering how darkly lit rooms and ornate clothing helps predict the future via the medium of randomly shuffled pictures of things?

3: Speaking of cards, someone who can predict the future and read minds would be unstoppable in a casino. Do you ever have trouble when you fancy a gamble? My people get in trouble for just being aware of probabilities, so you guys must have one hell of a time. What's the official casino policy when you show up? And before you argue that using our powers to gamble would be unethical, bear in mind you seem to make most of your profit exploiting the bereaved and/or gullible.

4: Why do dead people stutter so much? It's true that the causes of stuttering are psychological in many cases, some sort of performance anxiety is believed to be an issue, but I'd have guessed that 'dying' would rule out most concerns on that basis. If it was a physical stutter then having no physical form would surely sort that out. But every time you talk to them it's always 'D- d- d- d- da- da- da- dav - dav- Dave? No, Dav- Davina? yes, I meant Davina'. Often, even when you're talking to a live person, supposedly reading their mind, they mentally stutter but no vocally. What's that about? Or is it the rate at which you can receive information is quite low, like dial up internet? Why not just wait for the full message to download then, people wouldn't mind and it would probably take less time that the whole 'shout out letters and hope somebody recognises what I'm saying' approach.

5: Do you hear peoples thoughts (dead and alive) constantly, or is it only when you're being paid to do so? If it's the former it must get annoying, especially in the shower and places like that. And how come you don't just eventually snap and run screaming naked down the street with your head in a lead bucket? If you can control it, what part of the brain is it that's processing the stimuli? I've looked through all the lobes and I can't seem to find any nucleus or region that seems to fit the bill. There's the limbic system of course, which activates when you lie. Just saying...

6: How do you get on with Christians? You push the argument of there being an afterlife (which they like) but also dabble in undeniably occult practices (which they really don't). I would include the other religions in this question too, but like the Christians, they keep saying it's none of my business. I'd be fine with that if it was a two way thing, but they keep interfering with my textbooks and I'm supposed to just sit there and take it? I'm the one with the nukes and the Universe-imploding accelerators, they have old books and shouting.

7: Do you ever channel animals? That sounds like it would be hilarious.

So yeah. I'm sure there are other issues, but if you could answer these questions for now that would be great. Please reply via any physical means you can (if you attempt to send it via psychic link, you'll just get a 'busy' signal).

Love and kisses

Science (BA Hons)

Email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy

"Dear HRH Prince Charles, from Science" (No. 23)

He's at it again, the crazy old Prince of Wales. What with his Dad monopolising the outrageously-offensive-behaviour-toward-foreigners-while-completely-missing-the-irony-that-technically-he-is-one approach to public engagement, and his mother covering the waving-and-looking-stern-at-public-functions side of things, Prince Charles has opted to compensate for the ever-diminishing power of the monarchy by attempting to use his influence and position to promote alternative medicines to the general public via numerous means.

He also sells biscuits, like you'd expect of anyone who's first in line to the throne.

His Foundation for Integrated Health closed due to the small matter of a massive case of fraud

(that's the 'unofficial' reason of course, the 'official' reason is that the FFIH closed because it had 'achieved all its aims' or something, which suggests that its aims were 1. Spout gibberish. 2. Have funds nicked by a notorious swindler. 3. Go home)

However, much like another sort of fictional Doctor, it has regenerated into a different form as a 'College of Medicine'. This does seem to be pushing it a little bit, so time for somebody to receive a communique...

"Dear HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

All right Chuck? How's it hanging? It's me, Science, the anthropomorphic personification of that concept you try to avoid as if it were a diseased commoner.

Still peddling those organic biscuits? You do realise that being 'organic' (whatever the hell you think that means) doesn't automatically make a food healthy, right? I'm not saying that eating one of your biscuits is like injecting 500ml of tans-fats directly into your aorta, but they could be compared to deep fried place-mats on the healthy-eating scale of things.

Obviously, it would be very naive of me to assume you had a grasp of even the most basic principles of health, given the increasingly mad theories and pseudoscientific guff you keep trying to push into the public domain, like a man trying to force a courgette into a passing strangers ear (an equally pointless and potentially damaging activity, no matter what his intentions).

Normally I expect such activity from people in your position. You have been raised to believe in the notion that people like yourself deserve to live in unrestrained luxury funded by others because you're inherently superior due to who your ancestors are. There is no logical basis or evidence for this conclusion aside from the 'it's been this way for a very long time'. A fair point, a system that persists for a very long period of time must work because it endures, right?

On a related note, have you ever considered living in the sea? Technically, your ancestors lived there for a lot longer than they lived in palaces. Just wondering...

But I don't really feel it fair to antagonise you for your questionable faith in alternative medicine, given that you've received an upbringing which doesn't really encourage much questioning and rational thought, and that's no fault of your own. And you may not know this, but alternative medicine may have a long history with the Royals. Allow me to explain.

If you look closely at history, it seems that while it was Samuel Hahnemann who is credited with the creation (yes, creation, not discovery) of Homeopathy, the concept may have been first established around 200 years older, by your own ancestor and namesake!

Remember Charles I? You probably don't personally, unless you've aged a lot better than most people. He was a Monarch called Charles who tried to impose his illogical self-serving beliefs on others, and look what happened to him (I'm not saying you'll be decapitated for your behaviour, I'm just letting you know that there is a precedent).

According to reports from the time (nearly 400 years old, so that makes them more reliable, right?) when King Charles' head was severed from his body (that's what happened, in case your parents always told you that he "went to live on a Scottish farm with a castle" if ever you asked about him), people crowded round in order to collect as much of his blood as possible. I imagine there was a fair bit of it, the carotid artery alone would have had quite a copious output when suddenly exposed to the air.

Why would anyone do this? I'll admit there may have been some cynical Vatican-like people who thought they could make a quick profit from an influential figure dying by splashing some t-shirts (or whatever the 17th century equivalent was) with suddenly-much-rarer Royal blood and selling them to the crowds. But this was a time when the common people believed Monarchs were imbued with magical powers by God (note the past-tense, there), and it is said they collected the blood believing it to have healing properties.

It's only a simple logical step to conclude that, given the meagre amounts anyone could have collected, it was diluted to prolong it's use. Diluting something without affecting its healing potency? Now, why does that sound familiar? This is just conjecture though, it never caught on as a method at the time. Maybe they overlooked the 'like cures like' law of similars preached by modern homeopaths? If this were true, diluted kings blood would probably have treated nonsensical delusions of superiority. Or maybe in this case, headaches.

So maybe your love of homeopathy is based on a subconscious desire to follow in the footsteps of your namesake? (excluding the public execution bit, presumably). Or maybe its just that, considering the size of your gene pool (gene-puddle?), whatever rational parts of your subconscious mind are remaining recognise the problem and are constantly screaming about the benefits of dilution, but the message is being scrambled by your powerful bullshit processing centres? I'd be happy to discuss this with you some time, get you some help if you want it.

Anyway, enough preamble. I noticed that your Foundation For Integrated Health (or 'Foundation For Shite' as I call it, FFS for short) is now a 'College of Medicine'. You think this is acceptable? I know that officially you 'aren't involved', just as 'officially' you probably don't hand-make each of those lard biscuits you sell, but let's drop the pretence. But Colleges of Medicine are quite blatantly my territory, not yours. You can't just borrow my terminology because you don't have enough credibility! I'm not a politician, I won't stand for it.

So here's the ultimatum; change the name, or at least make it clear that you aren't teaching and giving degrees in medicine. If you don't, then in every credited scientific teaching establishment throughout the world, I'm going to introduce a new qualification for scientists. It'll be a one page exam, all they have to do is fill in their name. They instantly pass the moment they turn up, and they shall be have achieved the qualification of 'Highly Ridiculous H'exam' (the extra H makes it sound posh). As such, anyone who passes it shall be able to put the letters HRH before their name.

Consider this a formal warning. Your move, your Highness.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy

Skeptical Vandalism, part 2

Regular readers (hello, Wes and Jonnie) may recall that I recently engaged in a spot of Skeptical Vandalism.

People seemed to like it, so I did some more to alleviate the boredom of an otherwise pleasant Sunday. It was either this or go outside.

So, as per usual, I looked up everyone favourite supplier of far-fetched nonsense outside of the Vatican's public relations department, Natural Health magazine

I selected a typical cover image at random. This one

And, with a few tweaks, made it look a bit more acceptable

Feel free to print it out and pass it on, or sellotape it over any offending articles in medical places you might come across.

"Dear Cheap Viagra, from Science" (No. 22)

Just received another rejection for a job I really hoped to get, so somebody somewhere has to bare the brunt of my rage. The worst part of it is that the complete inability to change the situation leaves me feeling frustratingly impotent. So what a good time to get a relevant spammer on my blog...

"Dear Cheap Viagra

Hello. I notice you've been leaving quite a few comments on my previous letters. I'd like to say thanks for the feedback, but that would be dishonest of me as I'm not particularly grateful. In all honesty I can't think up a genuine response any more pleasant than 'I sincerely hope you die a hideous slow death in a ditch filled with the unspeakable fluids that the products you keep trying to sell would (if they worked) inevitably end up producing', and that seems a bit long winded if nothing else.

Seriously, is this the best way you can think of of flogging your merchandise? Posting unsolicited comments on a relatively unknown blogs? As the personification of an anthropomorphic concept that usually writes to other anthropomorphic concepts, I can't even be said to be male, let alone be in possession of a set of male genitals which are presently experiencing an inability to perform their primary function.

I can't say the same for anyone who reads this, but as I tend to write these for the benefit of the scientific community there's a good chance that it's true for them too.

Of course I jest. It's been proven many times that scientists are the best possible lovers in both a physical and mental sense, and therefore would never need any erectile-dysfunction medication, so either way you're wasting your time.

I am starting to wonder if all those emails I keep getting are from you as well? Do spammers have rivals like real businesses do? Or are you just one sad man with an inability to spell, sat at home in front a computer in a house filled to the rafters with bottles of non-brand name 'viagra' tablets which you obtained as a result of a massive clerical error on the part of an industrial delivery company? I like this possibility, as it make me thing that somewhere there's a pharmaceutical warehouse which just contains a used computer desk and an inflatable sex toy with your name on them.

Seriously, do you ever sell anything? And what is it you're actually selling? My first theory is that you're selling basically worthless tablets which contain no useful active components, and are flogging them to gullible people in the hope that the placebo effect alone will make them 'work'. If this is what you're doing, you've got a long way to go if you're going to rival the experts at this method.

Interesting side note, I've not come across any homeopathic treatments for erectile dysfunction, but surely there is such a thing? Given their 'like treats like' belief, it's probably something like a pill with the barest hint of lager (6 pints minimum), or maybe just highly diluted pictures of Gillian McKeith?

But if you are selling dud pills, I can't officially condone that. Unofficially however, despite my complete adherence to the principle of evidence based medicine, I'm willing to turn a blind eye to this, largely because the sort of person who would purchase 'viagra' from an internet spammer is exactly the sort of person who would be better off not reproducing. I can bring myself to tolerate your actions by classifying you as an agent of Darwin, so that's ok.

However, I am willing to acknowledge the possibility that you are in fact some sort of rogue pharmaceutical company, willing to produce genuine medications but selling them at rock bottom prices in an effort to topple the monopoly of the big Pharma companies. Sort of like a 'Wikidrugs' thing. If this was the case, I would understand the need for less conventional means of marketing, what with having to stay unnoticed by the 'Big Boys'.

Were this the case, I would be tempted to applaud your actions, except for one thing; WHY DO YOU ONLY SELL VIAGRA!? Seriously, you have the means to manufacture and produce high quantities of effective medicines and you think the main health issue facing society is 'not enough erections'? You could be getting generic antihistamines, anticoagulants, antibiotics etc. to people who need them! (And that's just the anti- medications).

But no, before all the sick people who can't afford the vital medicine they need can be catered for, men must be able to have erections! Not just impotent ones, but all men who may have even the slightest concern about their sexual prowess (which is all men, except the ones who are scientists of course).

Is it wise to flog powerful pills which have drastic effects on blood pressure and flow and exert an accompanying demand on the heart? And that's just the men, apparently it's even worse for women. Why would you want to reduce the act of physical union to something akin to those water-filled nodding head bird things? Just sterile repetitive motion that seems fun at first but quickly becomes tedious and pointless.

So, stop leaving me comments. And if you are producing genuine medicines, for God's sake (or the sake of the fictional deity of your choice) branch out a bit. Hay-fever remedies alone would sell well, surely, stop thinking with and about the penis.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

e-mail: humourology(at) live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy

"Dear Gillian McKeith, from Science" (No. 21)

Seems like it needs doing, following the what looks like a 'Blaze of Glory' strategy adopted by Ms McKeith and/or her spokespeople following a rather pointless and potentially libellous Twitter faux pas (detailed here by the legendary Jack of Kent, someone who knows what they're doing in this regard).

"Dear Dr sorryImean Ms McKeith

Hello. It's me, the anthropomorphic representation of Science. I'm not sure how you'll react to this letter, as I confess to being somewhat confused as to what your general opinion of me actually is. You present and describe yourself as someone who works closely with me, but you treat any question or remark from my people with extreme hatred and bile, usually ending with legal threats and accusations of conspiracy ties. This is the sort of behaviour I find baffling; it's tantamount to spitting in Mick Jagger's face and calling him a washed up sell-out despite making your living as the lead singer of a tribute band called the Stowling Rones.

I don't get where you're coming from, is the long and short of it. You want to be taken seriously as a scientist? Are you not familiar with the phrase that begins with 'Do unto others...'? I confess that I think that may be one of Religion's sayings. I usually hesitate to use anything he's touched, but to hell with it; he's always trying to take my stuff from me. Evolution? You swear I'd pushed a burning pile of it through his letterbox, the way he carries on about it.

I digress. I understand if you wanted to be respected as a scientist, but here's the catch; you have to earn it. You can't just buy scientific knowledge over the net in exchange for a few dollars and a return envelope. You claim you've 'studied' for many years, but that's not really how it's done either. Astrologers have been studying the stars for thousands of years, but they still seem to have no clue how they work, or even what they are. And if you are going to persist in dressing up in a white coat and wandering around wearing safety goggles on TV, I will be expecting some royalties (I invented lab-chic, you know).

So you need to really earn your stripes with study and, more crucially, understanding before you can call yourself a scientist. I've heard that your supposed 'university' got closed down? I would offer my commiserations, but I'm afraid I can't, as to me it was like having a boil lanced. It seems weird to me that 'professional naturopaths' were critical of it too, it's like Scientologists criticising Kabbalah for being 'too weird'. But don't worry, if you want a diploma of equivalent or even greater value to the one from your original 'university', there are many ways to get one.

But I confess I do find your belligerence, your attitude and your misunderstanding of the most basic principles of biology quite alarming. But seeing as I am Science, I feel duty bound to offer my help and expertise to help you, and I think I have stumbled upon a possible cause for all the aforementioned issues. Although my psychologists point out that a lot of your characteristics are almost textbook examples of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, I have a different theory (and I think you've been in enough books as it is)

You have mentioned in the past how chlorophyll-rich food will oxygenate your blood. Ben Goldacre, one of my Illuminati, has explained in depth about how this is ridiculous as (amongst many other things) there is no light in your gut for photosynthesis. But I wonder if there is an exception for you? You seem to have the demeanour and approach of someone who has their anal sphincter in a permanently clenched state. I would be willing to believe that you have caused such a high level of pressure to build up in your intestine that the gasses that reside within it have been forced to undergo cold-fusion.

Effectively, you may have a small sun up your posterior. This would obviously be uncomfortable and damaging, hence your bizarre appearance and angry countenance. It would also explain why you think photosynthesis can occur in the intestine, as in yours it can. And when you first showed professional scientists your diploma and they told you you could 'stick it where the sun doesn't shine', that message would have been completely lost on you.

It all adds up. But if you would consider an intestinal solarectomy, I would happily point you in the right direction.

So please, consider this, I only mean to help you. You surely don't want another twitter-based debacle? I understand you tried to just get rid of something you produced, but people picked it apart and analysed it and criticised you for it. What sort of awful person would do such a thing? Don't know where they'd get such an idea from.

Enough with the massive hints, but please consider my offer. My door is always open to you. But leave your lawyer's outside, you've seen what happens when people bring them onto my turf.

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

P.S. That title next to my name is a joke, but then you'd know all about that.

email: Humourology (at) live.co.uk

twitter: @garwboy