My THIRD application for a job as a Homeopath

I really should stop doing this, I've tried it twice already.

But then, NHS Tayside (or possibly Dundee in this case, it's not clear, Scotland at any rate) are persisting with squandering the ever-diminishing supply of public funds on homeopathy which, I think it may have been mentioned elsewhere, has a limited degree of effectiveness, shall we say.

This time they're after a Homeopathy Clinical Nurse Specialist (CNS)

So, as a good scientist/skeptic, I feel duty bound to waste a bit of their time, if they seem so hell-bent on wasting so much of anyone else's, with yet another a mildly-amusing satirical application. Once again, when it comes to the statement in support of the application, this is genuinely what I've put. Enjoy.

Statement in support of application

I believe I would be an excellent candidate for the position of Homeopathic Clinical Nurse Specialist (CNS), for the following variety of reasons.

Firstly, although I am not qualified homeopath (in the same way that I am not a certified Vampire Hunter), I am a qualified doctor of Neuroscience, which means I have an in-depth level of understanding of the central nervous system, which is also commonly referred to using the acronym CNS. Not only that, I also HAVE a fully functioning CNS. So I have a CNS and know all about the CNS, which would logically make me doubly qualified to be employed as a CNS in your department.

As you can see, I am also highly skilled at taking disparate pieces of useless information and connecting them with wild leaps of logic before stating them as undeniable 'facts', an essential skill for anyone working in the homeopathic field.

If my name seems at all familiar, this is most likely because I applied for a similar position in the department at NHS Tayside several months ago, and was short-listed as an extremely promising candidate. In fact I was highly desired by those awarding the position, and the only reason I wasn't awarded the post was because my substantial relocation costs were beyond that available in the budget for such things. I have no doubt that those in charge of hiring there would have to avert their eyes from my majestic awesomeness and immediately found a religion in my name, should I ever be in the same room as them.

Admittedly, I have no evidence at all for this claim, it's just what I think. This shows that I would fit in very well with the department and patients as a whole, and become a cohesive member of the no-doubt spurious team.

Although I am not actually a fully or even partially qualified nurse, in the many months since my last application for a homeopathic position I have consumed a substantial amount of water. Although this was not a conscious attempt to undergo self improvement on my part, more a sustained effort to stop myself dying from dehydration (which has worked so far, in case you were wondering). As such it is undeniable that, given how the water cycle works, the liquid I consumed would no doubt have passed through the bodies of many nurses, so the memories of their skills and abilities would have been integrated into my system, very potently as dilution makes things stronger, of course.

Of course, I am being facetious, in an attempt to show off my brilliant bedside manner and people skills. For my urine-based memory transfer to work, the original nurse would have to be succussed in some way. However, I'd wager that a few nurses in this country have engaged in some of the more fetishist leather-striking activities (especially if they know my uncle Greg), which should provide the same effect. Failing that, some patients can be quite aggressive (e.g. if they find out they're not getting the real medicine they're entitled to in their conditions), and most hospitals seem to place a Gideon's bible in the bedside cabinet (the bible has healing powers I believe, but only if used as a suppository), so I'll wager forceful contact can have taken place between said holy book and an unlucky nurse, thus allowing succussion and my urine-memory-transfer process to occur.

I know this isn't how memory really works, but I'm wagering that that isn't an argument you really want to get in to.

I am committed to the administering of evidence-supported homeopathic treatments to patients in need. I am especially committed to this as I can do it while hiding in a store cupboard, reading graphic novels or whatever bizarre publications I find in the waiting rooms. I shall compensate for this lack of direct contact with the patients where required by sending out positive vibes to the entire hospital, a procedure which has been shown to be equally effective as homeopathy in treating illnesses, with the added benefit that it can be administered to many patients at once. I would only require a marginal increase in my pay for providing this service, so you would save money overall were you to offer me the position.

Although I have no official experience in the homeopathic nursing of patients, I am in fact considerably experienced in all standard methods of treatments of illness via homeopathy, so would be able to effectively treat and manage all manner of patients, unless their treatment is something other than water/sugar and a nice chat. Admittedly, this scenario is highly unlikely, but I thought I'd best mention it.

I am committed the the principle of providing quality care to patients and useful advice to other health practitioners. If necessary, I am willing to do this by not showing up for work, thus increasing the overall quality of assistance provided by the department. I would also be committed to conducting essential research into effective treatments to the high standards set by the Homeopathic communities. Ergo, any patient that doesn't get better will be hurled out of the nearest window if a real doctor or scientist happens to pass by. Should anyone wonder why all the beds are empty and all the windows open, I will assume they are in the pay of pharmaceutical companies, and scream at them until they leave out of sheer embarrassment. This is the standard of care and quality I would be willing to commit to if you offer me the position.

I am unsure as to whether or not this position requires me to be a woman (it is not stated, but nurses stereotypically are). If this is an issue, rest assured that 50% of my sex chromosomes are the same as those found in women. If this seems like a low amount, when you compare it to the recorded effectiveness of homeopathy, it's quite substantial.

I feel that these qualities and more make me an ideal candidate for the position advertised. I am a highly trained and qualified scientist, but I struggle to overcome this failing every day, and would like the opportunity to do so in a professional capacity.

P.S. I put 'Dr' Nancy Malik as one of my referees. I've never met her and strongly suspect she would not be in favour of my application, I just saw her title and just assumed she would be supportive of my arguments. If you do contact her, I really hope the irony of this is not lost on her.

Email: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy