Alternative Alternative medicine

I used to write in this a lot didn't I? Strange, I forgot I had it recently, hence the quiet spell.

Anyhoo, how are you? Fine? Good, I'm glad you're not dead or anything.

Recently (well, several months ago now) I read Bad Science, by Ben Goldacre. In the world of rational, cynical, scientific individuals who are annoyed/enraged by the complete misunderstanding and unnecessary attacks on science by the media and others, Ben Goldacre is king, although he doesn't use as long-winded suppositions or descriptions as I do.

I won't go on about the book here, suffice to say it's brilliant, but there's nothing I can't say about it that isn't explained and described better in the book itself, so buy it, read it and cut out the middleman. But it did inspire this blog post.

One chapter deals with alternative medicine and homeopathy in particular. One of the main negative traits of those who promote, and more importantly sell, pseudoscientific treatments and 'cures' is the complete absence of adherence to the scientific process. Science genuinely needs criticism and analysis in order to advance, as Bad Science often points out. However, any attempt to criticise or even question the techniques of alternative scientists is met with outrage, attacks and, worryingly often, legal action in response to 'defamation'.

Bad Science describes several admittedly low-key ways to respond to this sort of quackery. However, I've thought of my own way. Alternative medicine basically relies on making up a non-truth but explaining it in a scientific way, and people believe it. Don't know why.

Here's my approach. I argue that we should make up as many alternative therapies as possible, write them down somewhere official, and then when someone else thinks of the same approach and attempts to use that method to heal people (meaning, exploit gullible people for financial gain), sue them to buggery and back for stealing your idea. Or at least ban them from using it.

So, purely as a preventative measure, here are my alternative alternative-therapies.

Organ-Shui

It's well established that the arrangement of your surroundings can make you feel good, and imbue a sense of wellness. Well, imagine how much better you would feel if your internal environment was correctly arranged? Modern life and the intrusions of modern medicine have enforced a disharmonious arrangement on our internal organs, but a brand new therapy now now allows you to place your vital organs into a healthy, harmonious configuration. It's no joke. Don't believe me? Well, how much better does it feel when you re-arrange your external organs manually?

Sadly, the genitals are the only external organs available for manipulation to the untrained, but a number of techniques are available, all administered by a certified BurnettSolutions (tm) organ manipulator for a variety of bargain prices, all guaranteed to make you feel at least 67% more well once the immediate pain and soreness that results from forced organ adjustment has worn off. These include

Kidney Synchronosis - £25

Liver Morphotosis - £45

Spinal Space contrarotation - £60

Brain-Skull repositioning - £100

Heart cavity Resetting - £150

Colonoscopic refinement - £3000

And many others. Book now to ensure you exist in a well balanced environment, inside and out.

NeoHomeopathy

It is well established that water retains a memory for all the active components that have been dissolved in it, and this is often used to treat illnesses. But the water on this planet has been around for millions of years, so who could possibly know what has been in it at any point? Homeopathy can only go so far, but our brand new techniques, pioneered by BurnettSolutions(tm), actually break down the structure of water itself through an advanced technique of 'electrolysis'. Water is reset to its original, primordial state.

All ill health in modern society can be traced to the consumption of contaminated water, so by purchasing your water from BurnettSoutions(tm) you can be among the healthiest people on Earth, providing you avoid all contact with non-reset water of course. Available from just £49.99 litre, re-set water prevents ill health, cures illness, and the special electrolysed reset water (£79.99 a litre) even contains residual electricity, giving you a spring in your step and more energised blood to aide respiration.

NutriVulcanism

Everyone knows that food grown in volcanic soil is better than standard food. And people who live on or around volcanoes live longer lives (barring eruptions). Clearly, the energies of mother Earth itself are infused into their diet, and now they can be for yours too. At just £9.99 a sachet, you can now add the minerals and nutrients of materials that are 100% guaranteed to have been part of a high energy natural process to your very own soups, sauces and salads (but not in soft drinks, the poisonous caustic properties of these tend to denature the active elements).

Simply purchase your £9.99 sachets from BurnettSolutions (tm), or £18.99 for the extra dense materials which provide even more energy and goodness to your system, and add them to your meals. Obviously, the raw energies of the Earth are too much for some people, so you may not feel benefits straight away, but any ill effects are purely due to your body adapting to the new powers it is being exposed to. Embrace the Earth, it's the best idea you'll ever have!

Autoelevatory therapy

"On top of the World". "As high as a kite". "Up, up and away". All positive sayings. And have you ever noticed the top athletes train at high altitudes in order to achieve the best performance? What do all these things have in common? That's right, Height!

Humans evolved from tree dwelling creatures and mountain dwelling life forms. Since we crawled out of the primordial seas, we've always aspired to get higher and higher. Clearly, our bodies crave to be higher than all others. This is why tall people are so much happier than short ones and midgets.

Our social and physical ills can be traced to a lack of height in our daily lives, but help is now available. BurnettSolutions (tm) now offer specially designed autoelevator slip-ins for your shoes. These painstakingly designed elevators (£59.99 each) fit snugly into your everyday shoes and mould to the natural shape of your feet, but raise your average height by crucial inches in a manner utterly dissimilar to that of high-heels or platform shoes. Unless your ideal body height is greater than that provided by the autoelevators, you will feel a noticeable sense of well being and health that can only come from being 'high'.

Will add more when I think of them. Or please, add your own in the comment section. Join the cause!

(Also, for the cynics, here's what you get for the money.

Organ-Shui = A rather aggressive, inexpert massage.

Neo-Homeopathy = Distilled water, with a dash of lemon juice. 2 dashes for the electrolysed type.

Nutrivulcanism = Wood ash, with added grit for the denser sachets.

Autoelevatory therapy. = Two large lumps of wax, the kind they use for ear plugs).