"Dear Conspiracy theorists, from Science" (No. 18)

And so we begin again. Let's see if this one generates any interesting 'feedback'

"Dear Conspiracy Theorists

Hello, it's me, I'm the anthropomorphic personification of Science. If it helps, think of me as one of those shadowy people/lizards that secretly control the Earth* (arguably the smartest one, but not the most influential, sort of like a Witch doctor in some prehistoric tribe, where the big dumb chiefs control thing while I dance around in the corner playing with psychoactive plants, frog guts and cackling madly to myself, and I'll stop there as this metaphor is in danger of becoming a bit too accurate)

Some of you think you know me very well but in actuality have no idea what I do or think, some of you think I'm a lot more capable than I actually am, others among you seem to think I can do stuff which is quite beyond me and, by my standards, utterly pointless. But I think it's important to contact you and put you right on a few things.

(I'm fully aware that this will not change your insane claims in any way, but I'll have cleared my conscience on the matter. Also, don't think that you guys have the monopoly on insane rantings about plots and conspiracies, have you met the homeopaths? At least most of the things you claim are within the possibilities of physics. Physics says Hi!, by the way. Not because he has any particular affection for you, I've just encouraged him to be more sociable as the others find him quite intimidating and worry that he's autistic).

I'd also like to point out that I'm fully aware that there is no official representative of 'conspiracy theorists' in society, and I hesitate to use the word 'nutters' due to the risks involved. Not, I should clarify, the risk of possible retribution, but of allergies, as some people I know claim to have such sensitive nut allergies that they probably go into anaphylactic shock as a result of reading the word 'nut' (I may have killed a dozen people with that last sentence, but what can you do?).

So, I'm writing this letter to set a few things straight. I am fully aware that you don't have an official body/spokesperson I can send this letter to, apart from maybe David Icke, but I'm legally prevented from coming within 50 metres of him because he thinks I'm a giant lizard, hence my opening comments.

And that's another thing, if the combined might of the human race isn't enough to prevent your subjugation by a dozen big reptiles that need to remain motionless in the presence of a heat source for several hours a day in order to raise their body temperature to useful levels, do you really deserve to be self-governed? Maybe the lizard Illuminati are the only things stopping the pigeons from wiping you out, or some other equally ridiculous threat.

You guys seriously need to ease up on the potential world-killing plague hysteria too, although I have to confess that your 'vaccines are a form of government mind control' gibberish is close enough to the antivaxxers rhetoric to make them look stupid by association. It doesn't stop either of you I know, but it makes me laugh at least, and they say laughter is the best medicine, don't they? (it isn't, by the way, it's usually antibiotics of some description, but it depends on the illness really)

But like I said, you have no official representation, you conspiracy nuts just exist in the shadows, forming secret alliances that attempt to influence peoples behaviour and alter how they think, which, when you consider the sort of things you keep ranting about, is all kinds of ironic.

I just felt it necessary to contact you just to give you the means to cut some of the more ridiculous notions from the bubbling mass of screaming nonsense you churn out on a daily basis (should you feel the need). Here is my response to some of your more notable claims.

Basically, here are some things I can do.

- Land on the moon

- Prove that the Earth is round

- Keep giant lizard people at bay.

- Tell the difference between an extraterrestrial humanoid and a crap mannequin.

All of those things I've done. I'm not saying there isn't a grain of truth to some of them, though. Yes, the moon landings were politically motivated, but I still had to bloody do it! It's always the way, Politics treats me like some mooching relative looking for handouts when things are going well, but as soon as the undigested expelled matter hits the air-circulation device, he comes banging on my door in the middle of the night, screaming for my help in doing something I would have done years ago if he'd got economics to release the purse strings! Bunch of dicks.

Still, given the choice between travelling to another stellar planetary body, or trying to get thousands of Americans involved in a conspiracy to keep their mouths shut for the next 50 years, then hand me the metal tubes and point me in the direction of 'up'. It's not like it's hard to travel in space, anyway. All you need to do is construct a really big firework that doesn't explode, which is the the most complex part of a firework. It's hardly rocket science!

...no, wait, hang on...

Anyway. Admittedly, if you gave me an alien corpse I probably would dissect it before they'd even informed the next of kin (I'm not impatient, but at light speed any message is going to take the bare minimum of 4.3 years to get to the family, and I can have him/her/it gutted and re-packed in a lot less time than that). But I haven't done that, so stop saying I have! CGI wasn't even vaguely plausible in the 1960's, so those images are real, as are the moon rocks and all the rest. Not, as you claim, computer generated. If modern-standards CGI was possible at that time, we would have had access to technology that would have made getting to the moon a lot easier. So, you know, cut the gibberish.

And another thing, if there was a shadowy government watching our every move, Black Helicopters would be a ludicrous way to do it! The noise and fuel expenditure required for enough helicopters to watch every member of the populace would be anything but 'shadowy', 'apocalyptically expensive and noisy' would be more accurate.

And just to round off, here are some things I can't do (yet)

- Construct highly manoeuvrable spacecraft (seriously, if I could I would just flog it to the highest bidder and spend the profits on researching more benign things, like working out a way to nullify that bizarre smell dogs make when they get wet and come indoors)

- Clone anyone

- Control the minds of the population via dilutions of fluoride in the drinking water.

Believe me, I'd like to do all these things. Consider yourself lucky that I can't. It would be very useful to me, if fluoride did make people more submissive and suggestible, because the people who consume slightly more water than all others are the homeopaths, and if they were inadvertently consuming more fluoride and becoming suggestible I could hack into their web or radio systems and play a simple repetitive message. Something like "you. Are. Talking. Shit". Could save a lot of lives, in the long run. But I'm afraid fluoride doesn't do that, it just provides a noticeable enhancement to your teeth's ability to resist damage from things like sugar, even if in pill form (Homeopaths again)

I know many of your theories concern one group or another controlling the world (or trying to). I do tend to not care about such things, as long as I get my grants paid on time it might as well be blood-sucking lizards. You may think this is cynical. Did I mention to you, I'm Science? It's what I do. So keep your mad little theories if you like. As long as they don't involve me, I'm fine with it.

But please, leave me out of it if you can. It' hard to do important work when you're laughing your arse off at people (no offence)

Love and kisses

Science (BA hons)

* = Of course, when I say 'Earth', I mean 'the social and governmental systems that oversee the societies of the intelligent beings (for a relative value of 'intelligent') that cover the majority of the landmasses on the surfaces of the planet that said intelligent beings have named 'Earth'. Arguably I should clarify that I suppose, but it's easier to just say 'Earth', and if the people you suspect of controlling it actually have the ability to alter the orbit, spin and maybe even physical properties of the planet, it's going to take a hell of a lot more than some shoddy leaflets to depose them, let me tell you.

E-mail: humourology (at) live.co.uk

Twitter: @garwboy