Mystic Ted, the latest edition again

If anyone still reads this, Mystic Ted is the spoof horoscope I write for The Cheek (www.thecheek.co.uk)

In case of editing, here's the latest one. I had fun with it.

MYSTIC TED’S ‘NO NONSENSE’ HOROSCOPE

“Your membership has been suspended pending the outcome of the investigation” (Mr. P. R. Normal, head of the UK Guild of Astrologers)

NOTE FROM TED: That cow Pat took my winning competition entry and got to go to New York! I knew she’d do that, but I was too hammered to stop her. Although I predict she’ll have trouble getting back out of the USA (due to some well meaning astrologer telling customs she talks in that funny way because she’s the head of a terrorist cell), it means I’ve had to take a less glamorous holiday. So here’s my horoscope combined with my holiday diary, detailing my lovely weeks break at the Gorlleinon Housing Estate.

• VIRGO: Got to Gorlleinon on Sunday evening. The B&B I’d booked wasn’t where they said it would be, there was just a skip full of used nappys with “Bobs Bedd + Brecfust” scrawled on the side with what I really hoped was brown paint. I went to the nearby off-license and asked the guy through the security shutter if I had the right place, and he said Bob used to have a caravan there that he rented out but which he blew up last week trying to install central heating with a length of hose and a bucket of stolen diesel. In return for his kindness, I told the guy, who was a Virgo, that he shouldn’t open the shop tomorrow as he was going to get robbed again around 10.36 am. He thought I was threatening him and said he’d call the police. I told him he could if he liked as they would turn up 3 weeks later. I left then as he started taking pot shots at me through the shutter with an air rifle.

• TAURUS: Woke up Monday morning after a surprisingly comfy yet horrifically unpleasant night in the skip. Tried to find a bathroom to clean up but saw no sign of one. Luckily, after the nights heavy rain, a blocked gutter burst over me at this point, which, although full of dead leaves and rats, actually made me cleaner overall. I went to find breakfast, and saw a greasy spoon down the road. Went in, told the guy on the counter, the owner and also a Taurus, that the bacon he was going to buy next week from a guy in a truck was actually the remains of retired racing pigeons, sprayed pink. He gave me a free sausage sandwich to thank me, then charged me £5.67 for a cup of tea. I had 83 sugars just to get my moneys worth, and spent the next 3 hours not blinking

• PISCES: Passed a crazy woman who was a Pisces while going for a walk. She screamed something I couldn’t understand and threw a rag at me. I tried to give it back, and told her if she went to the alley behind the corner shop on Thursday at 5pm she’d get a large sum of money dropped on her from the second floor window. She mumbled something and wandered off. Actually, not sure now if it was money or and old couch that would land on her. To be honest, I just wanted her to leave. Still; free rag!

• CANCER: Rather than sleep in the skip again, curled up for an early night in the doorway of an abandoned shop. Woke up around 2am with another guy sleeping on top of me. He was a Cancer, so I told him that he wasn’t homeless, just drunk on White Lightning and he’d forgotten where he lived. Was tempted just to take his keys and stay in his house instead of him, but when he got home his wife would be waiting with a handful of old betting slips and a frying pan, so thought better of it and directed him home.

• LEO: Sat on a bench in the local park for a bit. Threw some bread for the ducks, but then the squirrels came and tried to eat it and there was carnage. Some idiot accidentally dropped a bag of steroids last week, apparently, and the wildlife has been going nuts. Almost got covered in blood, fur and feathers so I left. Passed two kids, both Leos, bunking off school. Told them that if they went to school now they’d see their form teacher being arrested and they raced off. Neglected to mention he’d be arrested for finally snapping and chasing those two little swines across the school with a specially sharpened ruler for an hour.

• ARIES: Bought lunch from a guy selling seafood from a cart, then spent some time in an alley behind a community centre losing it again. A lovely woman, an Aries, came and found me, put a blanket round me and ushered me inside. I tried to tell her I wasn’t a junkie, I was on holiday, but she thought I was delirious. I tried to tell her future, but the sickness was giving me double vision so I told her she and her twin sister would meet two identical handsome strangers on a pair of busses. She sat me down in a circle of people, all shaking and sweating. They kept going on about their problems, but I stayed because the coffee was decent.

• LIBRA: Wandered down the main street, looking for somewhere to buy some new clothes, or at least a pack of wet wipes. A guy leapt out from behind a phone box and threatened me, told me to give him my wallet. Instead of a knife, he had a pair of nail clippers. I wasn’t particularly scared, so instead of giving him my money I told him about all the diseases he would catch in his life, exactly when and how he’d get them, and the symptoms. He left in the end, completely depressed.

• SCORPIO: Booked a ‘seaside jaunt’ with ‘Bobs Lovely Day Trips Company’. Got on a minibus that smelled of smoke and incontinence and we were off. Trip lasted 3 hours, most of which was spent going round the same roundabout to build up enough speed to change to 3^rd gear, I think. Got there at midday. Not so much a seaside, more an abandoned building site next to a polluted pond. My only other traveller, Sidney (a Scorpio), was a pensioner who thought he was getting on the bus back to his home. I told him that tomorrow they’d be having Rice Pudding for tea, and that would sort his bowels out. Bought a stick of rock that turned out to be an old tent peg wrapped in cling film.

• SAGGITARIUS: Party night! Decided to hit the disco. Got dressed up in my least stinking clothes and hit the clubs. No clubs, but a few bars let me in. The Dog and Crowbar, a delightful little place I sincerely hope I never see again, was quite memorable. Every customer in unison asked me what I was looking at as soon as I entered. Struck up a conversation with Boris the Sagittarius, and told him at the end of the night he’d be beating some poor sods face in.

• CAPRICORN: Woke up in A and E, apparently Boris beat my face in because I laughed when he sang ‘Endless Love’ on the Karaoke. The nurse, a lovely young Capricorn, took pity on me and showed me where the shower room was. I finally got clean for the first time in days, only to come out to find they’d taken my clothes away and burned them for Hygiene reasons. Nurse Capricorn apologised but told me they were setting off alarms. I asked if she’d go to dinner with me as an apology. She was flattered but already had a boyfriend. I told her he was going to break up wither tomorrow as she’s too emotionally fragile. She agreed to go out with me whilst weeping copiously.

• AQUARIUS: Date with Nurse Capricorn. Spent a while finding suitable clothes to wear as I had to leave the hospital in a backless surgical gown. Got some odd looks and several threats while walking down the High Street. Finally bought an old 50’s style suit from a charity shop. Only 6 fag burns, a bargain at £3. Then checked crystal ball. Nurse Capricorn’s boyfriend, an Aquarius, was going to meet me outside the restaurant we’d agreed to meet at with rusty pipe to teach me a lesson for ruining his break up. Turns out Nurse Capricorn would be so touched by this she’d agree to marry him while he stoved my skull in. Decided to go home instead.

• GEMINI: Bus home. Would like to say I had a lovely time, but that would be a lie. A large lady next to me, a Gemini, fell asleep and started dribbling on my shoulder. I foresaw that she’d catch nits from my ratty old suit, so I felt like I won overall. I keep wondering why I don’t check my own horoscope, because maybe then I’d not have bad things happen to me? But where’s the fun in that? Bye bye, Gorlleinon.